Lazy Salvation

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He sat at the summit.

The mountain beneath him was no mountain at all but a heaped monument of corpses, melted bone, and hollow skulls. All of it, a byproduct of the fallen outer god sprawled along the horizon… the Broodfather of Sterile Fertility.

Its grotesque carcass stretched for over a kilometer.

And its most defining feature, the distended stomach, remained swollen beyond reason, even in death. Its surface was riddled with gaping holes that still birthed Narkal corpses in a futile, endless spill.

The one who wrought this carnage upon the monstrosities felt no trace of accomplishment. In invoking equivalent exchange, bartering away what had once been most precious to him for a chance to reach the final step of his path, he had been left with only a hollow ache.

Now that the battle had ended, the Saintess who had supported him from afar finally dared to draw near.

Her features became clearer with each step, and with them, the boundless love hidden beneath her melancholy. That, in turn, made the emptiness in his chest all the more pronounced.

In a futile attempt to dull it, he reached into the empty air and pulled a cigarette from his personal space.

Tic… tic… tsshhh…

"Ash… how are you feeling?"

I'm not feeling.

"Fine."

She sighed, the sound brittle. "I'm sorry."

Only after the words left her did she realize how careless the question had been.

Another man, however, lacked such restraint.

The last member of their small party tore his way into view through a rip in space. The final moments of the battle had been too much for him, so he had chosen to vanish instead, waiting for the rumored godkiller to prove the title true.

"Greed. Do you need healing?" Seraphine asked, taking in his wretched state… limbs missing, others twisted at unnatural angles.

"No problem. You'd better save what little divine power you have for the lad. In case we get ambushed by the Broodfather's subordinates."

He gave a careless shrug. "If it gets too dangerous, I'll just hide."

"Okay." Seraphine accepted it without hesitation.

It was what she preferred, anyway.

Trusting Ashen over anyone else had always come first.

"Instead of healing… why not tell me how you attained such power in so little time, lad?" he asked Ashen innocently.

It was hardly the first time he had tried, and for the most part, he had always been ignored… or threatened by the woman at Ashen's side.

"Kokan."

…Just like now.

Her frigid tone made his body tremble for a brief moment. He shook it off quickly. This was his best chance. After all, he had judged that she would not dare make a scene in enemy territory.

So, unable to rein in his greed for knowledge any longer, he pressed on.

"What? It was a simple question. Is there really a need to get so defensive? After fighting side by side for so long?"

"...Kokan. You are the last Sin Lord alive, aside from Sloth in Esperra. Are you truly this eager to join your fellow Lords?"

"Hah, so scary…" The Lord of Greed brushed her off, though he knew better than to linger once they were safe. This time, he was certain a few broken limbs would not be the end of it.

But since he had already landed himself in trouble, he might as well make it worse.

"Ashen Hart, are you really going to keep a secret that could give humanity a chance to strike back? Come on. Or is the title Hero of Mankind wasted on you?"

"..."

Seraphine's divine power shuddered, ready to cast caution to the wind and silence this greedy man once and for all.

But before she could move, Ashen's hoarse voice cut in.

"...Do you really want to know?"

"Yes… YES… I want to know…!"

"...Alright."

"It isn't a particularly elaborate mystery."

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fuuuuh…

"Even for me… killing those abominations is becoming impossible. The stronger ones keep descending. So I turned to Miratheris."

pffhhh…

"You know how the spirit of the planet works by now."

"...Equivalent exchange."

Ashen nodded.

"I wanted to reach the final step."

"And the price was my ability to love."

A lull lingered.

"Losing it taught me something."

"Love isn't a single emotion. A more accurate way of describing such a complex word is a network of… affections. Tenderness. Devotion. Longing. Yearning. Anticipation…"

His voice remained flat, "Even the smaller things get dragged along with it, such as joy, contentment, and vulnerability… a vulnerability that becomes trust."

fssh… "And the fear that follows it. The fear of losing it, or failing it."

Another slow exhale.

"When all of that is torn out…"

"…what remains is nothing."

Kokan's expression froze, his thoughts unknown, while Seraphine's pain lay bare for all to see.

"…But that doesn't mean I don't remember what used to be."

"Unlike someone who never knew, I can see exactly what's missing… and still, I can't summon the sorrow I know should follow its loss."

His gaze drifted to her.

"When I look at her love, I know I should return it. When I see her sadness, I know it should tear at me. Her joy should stir mine… her devotion should pull something out of me."

A faint pause.

"But it doesn't."

"All I feel is indifference."

Another thin, empty breath.

"Indifference… and envy."

"Envy of you, and every human who can still love."

He turned back to the frozen Kokan.

"So, now… let me tell you, you who so ignorantly seek my power, how much I envy your powerless self since I stopped feeling.

If the price was burning this entire world just to get back what I lost, I would do it in a heartbeat. If it meant even a fleeting easing of this regret, I would still do it without hesitation.

For the sake of a real laugh, a genuine cry, or even a single moment of love reborn… I would burn it all the same.

A moment of warmth, a fleeting taste of sweetness, a glimpse of your paradise from my hell…

…and I would gladly set both you and myself on fire."

"…"

"But since that is nothing more than an unreachable dream…"

His voice softened, turning thoughtful. "…I suppose I will settle for dragging every so-called god that forced this choice upon me into the same ruin."

He smiled faintly, but neither of them mistook it for human emotion.

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***

"Ah…"

The Primordial Lord woke from his dreams.

He smiled wistfully.

"It's been a while since the memories of the first timeline visited me."

He had a good guess as to why they had appeared… and why this segment in particular.

Since the last disastrous failure, unwillingly, his mind kept echoing Seraphine's words.

Stop fighting a futile battle.Stop fighting a futile battle.Stop fighting a futile battle.

Maybe it really is futile. For a brief instant, an ugly part of him reared its head, reminding him that he was still human.

His other self had reminded him and had shown him firsthand what losing his loved ones brought.

"Futile…? Pfft! hahaha…" He shook his head, dispelling the absurd thought. "The only futile thing here is me thinking as such."

When he spoke that simple line to himself, the last of the lingering hesitation buried in the deepest part of his psyche was finally obliterated.

"From the beginning, we don't control what happens to us. Only how we respond to it."

The words slipped out in a dizzy haze.

"Suffering isn't the problem. My judgment of it is."

"Accept reality."

"Act with virtue."

A hundred years of absurd struggle under a boulder had taught him this much.

The boulder had been outside his control. The one who placed it on him had been outside his control.

His will was not.

"Yes… my path was clear from the start."

"I am one who endures endless struggle."

"Without hope… without despair."

"I am—"

…

[6. Cognitive Depth (Thoughts, Mindset, Disposition)]

— Accepting/ Endure, Overcome / Indomitable

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— Accepting/ Endure, Overcome / Absurdist.

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"So, what now? Are you still not giving up after that failure?" Seraphine raised an eyebrow.

"Failure? What failure, dear? We gained a lot from the last attempt!" Ashen completely ignored the 'giving up' part.

"Really? Enlighten me."

"Ok… ok… first!" He wagged his index finger with a grin. "We confirmed that your body really was dead previously."

Raising a second finger: "We also confirmed that someone had tampered with your heart along the way, replacing it with something else."

"I suspect that this is the true culprit of the time loop." He nodded to himself, recalling that mysterious sphere at the center of her heart.

"Oh yeah? And how did you figure all of that out?"

"By observing your body as it rewound, of course. You didn't see it since you were busy being dead, duh."

"Hm… so we are stuck in the loop because of me. Wonderful." Seraphine rolled her eyes. "I wonder who has so much free time to target a poor little nun."

"That's where you are wrong, love."

"Oh?"

"After racking my brain for so long… I'm now certain. They are targeting me~"

"...Alright, great detective, how did you come to that conclusion?"

"Before going there, let me ask you first. What is the most vulnerable part of a vampire?"

Her expression turned thoughtful. "Hmm… not their flesh, since they have absurd regeneration… so maybe their blood? Without it, they essentially die."

"True for normal vampires. But for a primordial with vast, mighty power, that weakness doesn't apply since few could deal enough damage to evaporate every drop." He spread his hands with a smile. "Besides, I know my regeneration is absurd enough to revive from a single dot, so all I have to do is hide a portion somewhere secure and tada. Infinite spawn points for yours truly."

"Okay… then what?"

"It's simple." He pointed at his head. "The mental."

Seraphine's eyes widened, catching up.

"Exactly. If they can't target the flesh, they target the mind directly."

He continued, "This loop isn't designed to give me a chance to save you. It's designed to drive me crazy until my mind completely collapses."

Vampires were already known for handling long stretches of time poorly, hence the various spells that locked memories and numbed feelings. Seraphine also knew this, so she wasn't fully convinced. "Still sounds far-fetched."

"Yep." He agreed readily. "But that's where you come in."

"I don't know exactly how, but I think whoever brought you here did something to ensure that the original Primordial fell for you so completely that he'd rather go insane than wipe his memories."

"He would rage after seeing the death of the woman he was artificially engineered to love unconditionally. Then he would feel helpless…"

Ashen placed his palm on his chin and closed his eyes, trying to imagine how the events would unfold. "Irrational behavior would start to appear after a couple of hundred loops. His mind would cycle through those stages until it completely breaks down. In the end… all that remains is a shell without will."

"That's when they would strike, probably." He shrugged.

Seraphine stared at him flatly.

"What?"

"...Nothing." She sighed. "If your conjecture is right, please don't go any crazier than this."

"Roger that~" Ashen gave a playful salute.