Sword and Snow

Demi

Emery and Avuri had decided it would probably be best to take care of Rylie and I at night while the kids were sleeping. Of course, none of us really needed a normal amount of sleep and we didn't want the kids to see our injuries, so it felt pretty natural to take care of the treatments over night.

Following the afternoon's extended game of cuju, things continued to just fall neatly into place. Dinner was a relaxing affair, as Avuri had chosen to spend some of the day preparing a hearty soup. It was technically winter, but the Basin wasn't particularly cold so it wasn't like anyone needed the soup to actively warm them up from the weather.

However, the meal still had that sort of relaxing, cozy effect on everyone. Featuring a thicker, cream-based broth and both potato and meat, the soup really went a long way to relieving the day's stressors. Combined with some freshly baked bread and crisp, cold water to go with it all, I felt like I could have passed out at the table, full and entirely content.

The hits kept coming though. A toasty bath followed dinner, which continued to melt the stress away. And then there was cold milk after that, followed further by a relaxing evening of mahjong headed by the adults while the kids all chose a side to 'help'.

By the time the kids' bed time rolled around, I felt about as at home as I ever had; a massively stark contrast to the strange and sudden melancholy I had felt earlier in the day.

When the adults had all moved to the bottom floor and Avuri started with Rylie for the night, Emery took two soft cushions out of a storage Array and placed them nearby for the two of us. We were a few nights into this routine already, and the whole situation had already found an easy nightly flow with quiet conversation on one side of the room and the focused movements of both body and energy on the other.

Emery and I were both seated in a loose meditation pose, not actually trying to meditate at all, while trading simple stories. Emery told me about some of her favorite memories with her wife and kids, while I reciprocated with tales of my and Rylie's adventures.

Since her wedding, we had done quite a bit of traveling, sight-seeing, and generally getting up to no good. As was most of our family's aim, we had suppressed a few demonic groups that we had stumbled across, but those encounters had become somewhat rote for our family. It was the story of our accidental involvement with pirates off the north eastern coast and the ensuing escape after being framed for major theft that had drawn Emery's interest most, as well as the earlier parts of the story that ended with us getting involved with the arenas in the Riotlands.

Telling the story of how we ended up there - which involved a little bit of fraud, lying, cheating, and quite a bit of scheming - started to bring back the feeling of melancholy that had accosted me earlier in the day. It wasn't as overwhelming, but I had a strong voice in my head echoing the entire time I told the story.

"We ended up having to trick the guards in front of the gate to get into Rust." I said, only to wonder why we had even bothered to do that.

"It took some doing to get official IDs from the city that would allow us entry into the arenas." We didn't have a lot of reasons to do that either. Rylie and I had just been bored and wanted a challenge.

"We even went out of our way to find a not-so-above-board bookie willing to let us place bets on ourselves." That had paid off, but why did we feel the need to go out of our way to find a dirty bookie, rather than just accept the official ones. Betting on yourself was totally allowed in Rust - it had been an entirely unnecessary step.

Telling the story just made me second guess everything we had been doing in the Riotlands, all of which was only highlighted against Emery's earlier story about trouble that Yaya had caused one day, ending with the entire family knee deep in mud, trying to find the dog's favorite toy.

The contrast in the two stories was so stark that they felt like they should be coming from two entirely unrelated parts of the world, not from literal family members. That contrast coupled with the utter contentment that had pervaded my entire self basically the entire day had ended up acting like pouring a bucket of freezing water over my own head.

I had never felt badly about the adventures that I had gone on with my sister. Even when we ended up critically injured, I had taken it in stride as something that had always been an option looming over us, given how our life had gone. But suddenly, it wasn't about how it had happened, or what it was that had happened. It was why it happened that had suddenly stuck out to me.

Had we gotten injured fighting demons or whatever, I thought that that would have been fine. Or had we just taken part in the arena bouts and gotten injured in the process, that would've been okay too. But no, we had gotten injured after going through all sorts of extra steps to cause a little bit of mayhem for no real reason other than because we could.

Seeing that laid out alongside the life that we had taken part in that day made it all feel suddenly hollow. Especially when it crossed my mind that we did those things because we could. Rylie and I regularly crossed the line where normal people would stop, and I wondered if that connection was why I had gotten stuck on what Avuri had said.

Emery seemed to catch on as my story tapered off as I drew closer to when we got injured. But there must have been an expression on my face that said more than I had intended to let on, because Emery didn't ask about the story, but rather, "Demi, are you alright?"

Her voice carried genuine concern. When she placed a hand over mine on my knee, I sighed and deflated, unsure exactly what to say. "Yeah. I think so."

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Emery's good cheer that had been present all day returned quickly, but didn't push the sincerity away. "You don't sound all that convincing, little sister."

I eyed Rylie's form, laid out comfortably on a soft-topped table while Avuri examined her flank, thinking. "I'm just wondering, I guess. What was it all for?"

"What was what for? Taking part in the arena?"

"Yeah." I nodded. "It was a frivolous decision that ended with us getting injured for no reason. We didn't need to be there."

Emery chuckled. "I mean, did the two of you take some wholly unnecessary risks? Sure. But that doesn't mean the whole experience was bad."

I pinned Emery with a sidelong stare. "How do you figure? We just kept digging ourselves into a deeper hole until we couldn't climb out." I gestured with my arm to illustrate what I meant. "We got severely injured trying to…I don't even know what."

My sister scooted a bit closer, clearly hoping to offer support. "Demi, for as long as I've been your sister, you and Rylie have always been the irreverent daredevils of the family. You two have always found ways to get into trouble just for -"

"Exactly." I said, interrupting her. "We just keep getting ourselves into trouble."

Emery slapped me lightly on the shoulder. "Let me finish. Yes, you two have always found ways to get yourselves into trouble. I've always considered it a unique talent you both shared - the ability to find trouble and then narrowly escape, laughing all the way. You say it was for no reason, but I don't think that's true."

"And what reason do you see in my story, then?" I scoffed, feeling the melancholy turn a bit bitter.

"For fun." Emery said with a shrug. The levity in her tone immediately made me want to get angry, but she stopped me with a hand on my forearm. "I know what you want to say. Or, at least, I'm pretty sure. But it's important to remember that doing something for fun, or just because you can? That's always been allowed."

"Sure, you two have a penchant for finding trouble that you maybe didn't need to get involved with, and you tend to take things further than I, Talya, or Kota would. But saying you got involved with something or bit off more than you can chew just because it seemed fun or interesting isn't a bad thing."

"Em, do you hear yourself?" I asked, almost laughing at the absurdity of it. "Listen to the actual words you're saying. We sound awful. Even stupid."

Emery shook her head. "Look, I'll be the first to admit that the both of you could probably use a bit more perspective when it comes to picking fights or getting involved with fucking pirates. Seriously." Emery said, calling back to my previous story with a flat stare. "But the actual things you've done are clearly not what you're questioning right now. You're questioning your motives and reasoning, but of the many concerns I have about you two dolts, your motives are one thing I don't question." Emery rolled her eyes pointedly as she added, "Your judgement could use some work though."

"That doesn't make any sense." I argued, trying to piece my disparate emotions together in my head.

Emery turned to look at Rylie as she continued. "Maybe not to you, but it makes sense in my head at least." She let out a wry chuckle. "Rylie has always been the more straightforward, somewhat oblivious one of the two of you, so I'm not surprised that you're the one worrying about this," she muttered, clearly trying to piece together what she wanted to say.

"I'm not going to claim to be the best with words, so I hope this comes out in a way you understand," she began. "But I think when you're dropped into the middle of a very different but very mundane life, it's easy to latch onto things that differ and question yourself over them. Like, in your case, seeing the family we built together here, and all of those little bits and pieces of our normal life, and suddenly you're second guessing the parts of your own life as being pointless for whatever reason."

"Our family has always been a bit weird," she continued. "Because of our messy childhoods, followed by our weird teenage years, I think we all have very unusual feelings and thoughts about our lives. In my case, I somehow managed to incidentally fall into something a bit more normal. I have a house and a family in it that I would do anything to protect. The first two years or so were a wild ride, full of significant events and craziness that kept me on my toes and constantly moving. But once that calmed down, I ended up with a pretty similar feeling to what I think you're feeling right now, Demi."

"How do you figure?"

"Well, once we were settled into a more normalized routine and I began to realize just how precious that normalcy had become to me, I started to wonder what I had been doing up until then, and why I had been so disconnected from the rest of the world in so many ways."

I listened, wondering if that was why I had been feeling so melancholic suddenly.

"You can ask Avuri about it, if you want." Emery chuckled. "After we found our rhythm with the girls, there were several months where I was a little…out of it. I had trouble reckoning my life before with my life now, and it left me feeling down. Without all the drama and excitement that my life had been ruled by up until then, I started wondering whether or not I belonged in the life that I had managed to build for myself. I felt like I didn't belong in my own shoes. Or maybe that I didn't deserve it. I flipped back and forth on what was wrong with me for a long time, actually. Never really settled on a single answer, either," she said with a shrug.

That unsure, cloying feeling that she described struck a cord with me. I wasn't sure if it was exactly the same, but the overwhelming melancholy that had settled over me certainly felt similar, at least in the way that I couldn't pin down the cause. Not properly, anyway.

"How did you deal with it?" I asked.

Emery must have noticed the change in my tone, because she leaned in a bit closer to give me a hug from the side. "I talked about it. With Ri and with Dad. To be honest, I still get that feeling now and then. But talking it out and recognizing it does help."

I leaned into Emery's embrace while staring at my hands, my fingers restlessly poking and picking at one another. "Maybe I'll try that."

"Well. I'm here to listen any time you need." Emery said. "I think we've still got a while before Rylie is finished with her treatment for the night, if you want to talk about it now."

"Tomorrow, maybe." I said, my mind still a mess, trying to piece together all of the fragments of emotion running through my head. "I think the perspective will help," I said, trying to be honest, "but right now, I'm not even sure what I'm feeling."

Emery nodded against my good shoulder. "Okay. When you're ready, then. I'm going to keep you and Rylie here for a while, so there's plenty of time. No rush, alright?"

"Right." I said, already trying to see which new directions I could approach my strange feelings from.