Master of Minds, Master of Me

I watch as Theodore keeps staring at the door where Florentia just vanished. I wait, and wait.

And wait.

Okay. I’m starting to be a little jealous here. I was Theodore’s friend first; there was no need to just forget my existence when a woman enters your darkness.

“Finished daydreaming, Theodore?”

His focus moves back to me, and I keep talking.

“When you were listening to her, you looked like you were about to go on a murder spree or something. It looked like you were struggling to hide your reactions. So I did my best to keep her attention on me, so she wouldn’t notice.”

“Yes. I appreciate it. I only knew she was from another world. Nothing else. So what she said caught me off guard. I mean, I knew about the abuse, but nothing more.”

I can’t help but grin at him.

“Soo… still clinging to that ‘no feelings’ crap?”

I confronted him last weekend about his interest in her. And he, of course, denied it.

“I don’t do f—”

“You don’t do feelings, yes, yes, we all know, you stubborn lunatic.”

“Lunatic?” He raises his brow.

I keep smiling knowingly.

“Well, no normal person would blow a hole in Duke Callum’s mansion.”

He gives me his charming smile. The one meant for the public.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, Felix. I think your insults should be aimed at whoever helped her last night, not me.”

“Yeah, right. Well, whatever the reason behind that lunatic act, I’m grateful. But I’m curious what reason you gave Florentia for offering her a position at the Mage Tower, considering she can’t wield magic.”

“I told her she could wield magic if she learned how to draw mana from her medium. I also said I wanted to study her mana. I mean, that’s not the real reason I want her there. But I am curious about it. Her mana is unlike anything I’ve ever seen. Likely because she’s from another world.”

“Oh? And the real reason?” I ask with a wide grin.

“None of your business.”

No surprises there.

“Let me guess then. The feelings you refuse to admit to? Sexual desire? Obsession?”

“If you want to be able to use that useless tongue of yours in the future, I’d advise you to stop pestering me.”

My grumpy mage is all back now that the lady is gone. But I know you are obsessed. I recognize that in you. Only because I see myself in you.

“I know you wouldn’t really hurt me. You actually do like me, despite all your denials. But since I’m your best friend, I’ll let it go. I already got more amusement out of today than I expected. But since you stayed behind and didn’t leave with her, I assume there’s still something you want to discuss?”

“Yes. I want you to send a physician to examine her.”

“A physician? Again? I thought you had her headaches and other symptoms under control with that medium?”

“This isn’t about that. When she visited her father, she was definitely abused.”

My brain short-circuits. Abused? Like this week?

“You mean the whipping she mentioned earlier? Are you saying that happened this week? I thought she was talking about things that happened to Florentia, not herself. She acted so calm, so detached about it. I mean, if she were abused, wouldn’t she have shown some signs? Asked for a physician herself?”

“Trust me, she was definitely abused. She previously had only scars on her calves, but they were old ones. But yesterday, I was pretty sure she had bandages on her thighs too, so the damage might be there as well. I already left healing ointment in her room, but I don’t know the extent of the damage because I haven’t seen them myself. But I doubt it’ll be enough. And as for asking for help… after everything she said, it’s pretty clear she’s not the kind of person who relies on others. Even when it’s necessary.”

I cover my face with my hand. I’m the worst. I really am. How could I let her go there? I sent her home, thinking she would be treated better there. But I sent her to get whipped? How could I miss that Duke Callum didn’t like his daughter? I never sensed any kind of hostility from his mind toward her.

“So I really just sent her home to get whipped and abused? I’m the worst.”

“It’s not your fault. You couldn’t have known what was really happening in that house. No one did.”

I should have known. It’s my job to know. And I even knew that she wasn’t the real Florentia. And I still agreed to send her. I feel my mana starting to rumble in my chest. After we finish our talk and agree that I will go testify her wounds, I fetch Frey, and we stride toward her room.

Her wounds are something unimaginable. I’m not sure how anyone could ever even survive that. The blood loss must have been enormous. How could she even manage to walk into the Palace on her own? And she still seemed so detached about it. Like her wounds wouldn’t matter at all. And she didn’t show any signs of pain. I know it hurt her. I sensed it from her mind. But her face didn’t even flinch.

I feel so bad. I can’t get over the feeling of guilt in me. I could have prevented that from happening. But I didn’t. I wasn’t good enough. If I were, I would have realized the situation.

I enter my pretty flower’s balcony, needing comfort. I need a distraction from my thoughts. I need to calm down. She heard the entire conversation through the stone. So she knows too that I made Florentia suffer. Will she blame me for that? Just like I blame myself?

I knock on the door.

I hear fast steps, and she opens the door; worry spreads all over her face. She hugs me, wrapping her arms around me.

“Were the wounds bad?” she asks, still tightly hugging me.

“Yes. I have never seen anything like that. They were all over her; there was barely any skin left. And it’s all my fault.”

She withdraws and looks at me.

“No, it wasn’t! It was her father who did it. Not you!”

“I should have known that their relationship wasn’t good.”

“How could you know?”

“I knew Duke Callum was evil. I should have known that he would treat his child badly. Just like he treats anyone. Or I should have sensed something in his mind.”

“Felix. It’s not your fault.”

“Yes, it is. My job is to protect my people. Not to send them to get tortured.”

“You didn’t know! No one did.”

“I know that no one knew. The point is that I should have known! It’s my job, and I have to be perfect at my job. If I’m not, then I’m just a big failure. Just like my father thinks.”

I feel the mana going wild inside me. I should push it down. I really should. But I lack the power to do it. I’m feeling too defeated. I really hate myself sometimes for failing.

“You are not a failure, Felix. No one would—”

I grab her throat and pin her against the wall before she gets to finish. She just stares at me, mild shock in her eyes. I lean closer, and her lips part like always. Lust pours from her mind. And that surely gets my dick excited.

“I need you to distract me, pretty flower.”

She nods. “I will.”

I let my free hand travel over her body, stopping at her waist, and I press harder, knowing that the bruises are underneath. She flinches from the pain, and my cock twitches. I let my lips brush against her skin as I whisper in her ear.

“And how are you planning to distract me?”

She sighs heavily, tilting her head to the side.

“Use me.”

Her words make me choke her harder, making the blood flow slower, but still leaving room for her to breathe.

“And how would you want me to use you?”

Her fingers cling to my shirt.

“Use me to let out your anger or frustration.” Her voice is so hoarse that it excites me.

I wonder how much I could hurt her. How much could she take? I keep squeezing her throat even tighter. I want to see how long I could keep her from breathing.

Then a slight ray of reason hits me. I let her go and take a step back.

“Sorry, Lo. I didn’t mean to do it. I’m sorry.”

“What? Why did you stop?”

“I don’t want to hurt you. I really don’t.”

A lie. I want to hurt her so fucking much. But I don’t want to want that. How could I ever think about hurting her? Especially after what I just witnessed on Florentia’s body. Maybe I really am some psychotic murderer, as she thought.

“Felix, it’s okay. Please just touch me.”

“I’m sorry. I can’t. I need to calm down. I’m going to train. I can’t skip my training.”

I burst out onto the balcony and head toward the training grounds. Am I really this fucked up? Am I really able to contain my mana so I don’t burst in the future? Or hurt her too much?

I know she thinks it’s fine for me to be a little violent with her. But I honestly don’t know how far I would go if I’m not in control at all. I don’t trust myself.

I train like a maniac in the training grounds, trying to force the mana into place. I really don’t succeed at that. But at least my reason is stronger at this moment, so I guess I’m good.

I sheath my sword and freeze as I see Lo sitting on one of the benches. I didn’t notice that she even came here. I guess I was so lost in my own thoughts that I failed to notice hers. She stares at me, worry all over her face. I walk to her, putting on my usual teasing smile.

“Is my pretty flower this addicted to me? Couldn’t stop your little stalking habit?”

“Are you okay?”

I sit next to her, still smiling.

“Of course I am. I just needed to vent a little. I’m all good.”

A big-ass lie.

“Are you sure?”

I kiss her forehead. “I’m sure. No need to worry. My negative emotions just rose a little too much. I’m sorry if I scared you.”

She looks down at her lap, fidgeting with her fingers, looking cute as fuck.

“I wasn’t scared. I was honestly a little disappointed you left.”

“The mana was just acting up too much. It would have been too big a risk to go any further.”

“Risk? Risk of what?”

I think I should be honest with her, since it would be helpful if she also realized that she shouldn’t push me to do things with her while I’m on the edge.

“Risk of me hurting you more than I should.”

“I don’t care about that. I have said many times that you are free to use me however you want.”

I do love how supportive she is. But she probably can’t even guess how much I could actually hurt her.

“I know. And I appreciate that. But the fact is that I don’t trust myself when my mana is acting too wild. I’m fine with causing bruises and stuff. But the need to hurt and cause pain is so powerful that I don’t know what I could end up doing. And I love you, Lo. You are the last person I want to hurt.”

“So now that you are calmer, you don’t feel the need to hurt me?”

“No, I don’t.”

Another big fat-ass lie. I’m not calm, and I do want to hurt you. Since I’m just a fucking sadist lunatic, apparently.

She suddenly jumps onto my lap, facing me. I freeze. The mana rumbles.

“So, can we go back to my room now?”

My hand starts to glide toward her throat. But I force myself to stop. I lift her up and place her on the bench.

“Sorry. I need to shower and get back to work.”

Her disappointed look grinds my heart.

“Oh, okay. What about tomorrow? The dancing?”

“Yeah, I’ll come there. No need to fake sickness anymore.”

I’m probably okay tomorrow. I trust that during the night, I will calm down. I lean in to kiss her forehead.

“See you tomorrow, pretty flower.”

“See you.” Her voice is low, somehow sad.

I turn and leave, heading toward the changing room. I hate to see her sad like that. I want to stay and comfort her. But I just can’t take the risk. Not now.