Master of Minds, Master of Me

I’m really starting to get desperate here. He is impossible to break. This past week, he has touched me, teased me in every way possible. But he never lets me come. He always stops right before that. He really is just a giant jerk.

I guess I really need to live my life here without coming. Unless I agree to be his Queen. Honestly, I’m tempted to. Not only because my body will literally explode from sexual frustration. I’ve just been so happy here. Being around Felix feels so right and natural. I really don’t want to leave this place.

I thought that I couldn’t be his Queen just because I would eventually cause him harm. But he really doesn’t react to me the same way he used to. Even though we have been very intimate with each other, he has never shown any signs of losing control like last time. No purple eyes. No violent acts. I mean, he has choked me a couple of times, but nothing more than that.

I feel a sting of disappointment in my chest. I must be sick for missing that. I’m not sure if it is more because I honestly loved his intense purple gaze, the anticipation in my body when all I could do was wait and see what he would do to me, how he would use me. Or is it because he clearly isn’t that obsessed with me this time? He doesn’t want me like last time, which stings.

That should be a good thing, great even. If I don’t affect him that way anymore, I could live with him while making him happy. So if I just become his Queen, I could live by his side until his mana starts acting up too much, and then I would just jump down from the bell tower. This time, making sure that he is not there to witness it. Seems simple enough.

Then, when I wake up again, I could just come back here and be his Queen all over again.

Hold on. No. That’s not what I planned. I promised that after this loop, I would go back to being devoted. I need to break the curse. I need to die, for good. That’s what I have always wanted.

I furrow my brows. For some reason, that picture of my grave in that mirror doesn’t feel so comforting anymore. I don’t want to die. I want to live my life with Felix. If I were to go stand in front of that mirror, would it show me the grave again? Or would it show me something else?

“Lorelia? Are you alright?”

I snap out of my thoughts and look at Hans, who looks rather worried.

“Sorry. Lost in thought.”

“What is it? Anything I could do to help?”

I wonder if I could somehow see that mirror again. Just out of curiosity.

“Do you happen to know what the Mirror of Desires is?”

“Sure. I helped the Crown Prince carry it into the Royal Vault just yesterday.”

“You did?”

“Yes. Why do you ask?”

“Do you know if anyone is allowed to see it? Or is it off-limits?”

He narrows his eyes at me, like inspecting me for a while.

“Sure, you can see it. Want to go right away?”

“Like now?”

“Why not? We are all finished with the flowers anyway.”

Should I? For some reason, I really want to know what the mirror shows me. Do I really still want to die deep inside? Is my need to be with Felix just something temporary? I don’t think so. But I have no idea what I want the most.

“Okay, we can go.”

We start walking toward the Palace, and I follow Hans. My heart starts pounding louder when we stand in front of the door to the Vault. Hans places his hand on the door, and it opens. He leads me to the same room that Felix did that one time. I’m lucky that Hans has access here. It’s surprising, but lucky.

I go to stand in front of the mirror, which is still covered by a white sheet. Hans grabs the edge of it and yanks it off. But all I can see is my own reflection. It looks like a normal mirror.

‘’Why isn’t it working?’’ I ask.

‘’It works with mana, just push it to the mirror, and then it works.’’

‘’But I didn’t push any mana on it the last time.’’

‘’It doesn’t have to be the mana from the person in front of the mirror. So someone else probably did it.’’

I guess Felix did. I push my mana toward the mirror, and it starts forming a picture.

A warmth spreads through my whole body as I gaze at the picture of Felix and me. I did expect it. But seeing it makes me surprisingly happy.

Or should I be happy about it? Being with Felix doesn’t make me break the curse. If I keep being with him, I’m being selfish, only caring about my own happiness and not others. I would let people live constantly in this same loop without moving on, so that only I can experience happiness.

So I should feel guilty, but I don’t.

I then suddenly remember that Hans is here. How am I going to explain to him that I’m fantasizing about the Crown Prince? He doesn’t know that I have any kind of relationship with him. But as I look at Hans, he is just staring at the mirror.

Something flickers. It’s like I suddenly saw Felix there. I shake my head and look at Hans again. But the image flickers again. And after a while, I only see Felix standing there.

“Felix?” I ask, not really understanding the situation.

He keeps staring at the mirror.

“You really want me?” he says in a low voice, like he doesn’t believe what he sees.

Oh God. He really must think I’m a creep. We have only known each other for three weeks in this life. So he really must think I’m some creepy, crazy stalker for wanting him this much.

But why is he pretending to be Hans? He hasn’t done anything with his illusion magic to fool me. Not in this life.

“Felix. Why are you pretending to be Hans?”

He turns to look at me with such a bright smile that it momentarily shocks me.

“I honestly wasn’t planning to tell you this. But I was apparently too shocked by what the mirror showed that I lost focus on using my magic on you.”

He starts walking toward me, and I just keep staring at him.

“Don’t be too mad at me. But I wasn’t pretending to be Hans.”

“Yes, you were.”

“No, I wasn’t. I’m not pretending to be Hans. I am Hans. I have always been Hans. Or more specifically, Hans doesn’t exist in the first place.”

“What?” I ask in disbelief.

That can’t be right. I have known Hans for so long, even before I got here. Before Felix even met me this time. I even knew him in my last life.

“I’m him, just like I was Father Owen and Max.”

My eyes widen with shock. How can he know about them? He shouldn’t know anything that happened last time. No one ever does.

“How do you know about them?” I whisper in disbelief.

He just tilts his head and smiles at me warmly while tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.

“I like my love messy and my memories unforgettable.”

“You... remember?”

“Yes.”

Is it really possible? No one has ever remembered anything. Never. Not once.

“How long?”

“I remembered all in that day when you met Hans in Lintel the first time. I just had to see you.”

“So were you Hans in our past life too?”

“Yes. I know I should have confessed already then that I was him. But he was my plan B. I intentionally told you that he was from Lintel. He was my backup plan in case I wouldn’t succeed in keeping you at the Palace. I could use him to go see you in Lintel if needed. I always had a bad feeling that you would leave me, so I needed that backup. And I’m glad I did, since he was the perfect person to talk to you during all this time.”

“So all this time, I have been talking to you?”

He nods. I'm not sure whether I should be mad about the fact that he deceived me again. And this is even worse than what he did with Father Owen. But I'm not mad, not really. Somehow knowing that he has been there for me all this time makes me... a little happy. Knowing that he has been by my side for so long somehow comforts me. Of course, I also feel a little bitter about it. That he lied to me again. But it doesn't matter right now. I'm still struggling to understand this whole situation.

“But I still don’t understand. What about when you were at war? I saw Hans in the stables.”

“It was just another spell of mine. I put a few of them in place in case you sought Hans during my absence.”

Wait.

If he remembers all that, does that mean he remembers all the pain I caused? Does he remember when I jumped? My heart suddenly hurts from the guilt. I did it to make him happy. I did it only because I knew he wouldn’t remember anything. Oh God. I really am the worst. I made him experience something like that without being able to make him forget.

My tears start to fall. I feel so guilty.

“Lo? What’s wrong?”

“I’m sorry, Felix. I’m so sorry for what I did,” I speak through my sobbing. “I just didn’t want to cause you misery. I wanted you to forget everything. I wanted you to be happy and forget everything. But I failed. I’m so sorry. I never thought you could remember. No one ever does.”

He cups my cheeks and pulls me closer.

“Don’t worry about it. I understand why you did all that. There is no need to feel bad because of it. I’m alright. And I told you that I’m only happy with you. With the curse or without it. I love you, Lo. I will always love you, no matter what happens.”

I can’t stop crying. I’m not even sure why I am crying at this point.

“Please, Lo. Let’s solve this together. During all this time, I have given all my time to train my magic. I’m much more in control than last time. Give me a chance to try to deal with it. I wanted to prove that I can control it and then come to you. But I was more than happy when you didn’t deliver that letter. Please give us a chance to deal with your curse together. If we can’t manage to do that this time, we can try again as many times as it takes to find the answer.”

“But your life would be so much easier without me. If you just forget everything and were with someone else.”

“I’d much rather be haunted by your memory than be healed by anyone else.”

I just stare at him through my tear-soaked eyes as he kneels before me while holding my hand.

“Lo. Please marry me. Be my Queen. Let me be by your side through all of this. Let me help you figure this out. I don’t want you to suffer alone anymore. I love you. And I will always love you, no matter how many times we die.”

Am I really allowed to say yes? After everything I have done? Is it really okay to share my burden with someone? To not be alone? I feel my tears flowing even more. But this time, I think it’s because I’m happy.

I throw myself at Felix and kiss him, wrapping my hands around his neck.

“I love you too, Felix. So much.”

He pins me against the floor.

''Say it again.''

''I love you, Felix,'' I say against his lips.

His right hand starts to travel over my body, lighting it up. I sink my fingers into his hair while our lips devour each other, both of us pouring all our love and pent-up need into each other. My tears slowly stop as my ache for his touch takes control.

He withdraws from the kiss and smirks at me.

“So is that a yes?”

I pull him back closer, making our lips brush together, and I smile teasingly at him.

“Only if you fuck me and make me come.”

His eyes slowly darken, and my pussy clenches with excitement as I see the purple slowly creeping in. Oh God, how much I have missed his purple eyes.

His hand creeps to my throat, squeezing it lightly, making me grind myself against him needily.

“I would do anything for you, pretty flower. I’m a gentleman, after all.”