Master of Minds, Master of Me

It’s been four days since Felix left. There hasn’t been any news. Everything is like nothing ever happened. I started my dancing lessons, and they have been pretty exhausting. I’m so nervous all the time. I thought dancing with Felix was uncomfortable, but dancing with totally random men is way worse. I keep looking at my feet, and I feel how stiff my body is. I don’t like being so close to men I don’t know. Our dancing partner changes every time. I’m not sure if it is a good or bad thing. I just hope this week would be over already.

And I hope I could know how things are up north. I keep worrying about Felix all the time, even though I know I should not worry about him. I don’t know when exactly he got so inside my head that I can’t stop thinking about him. I keep thinking about our kiss too. I have dreamt about him far too many times. Previously, I thought that maybe Felix was the one causing my dreams. But now that he is gone, I guess I can’t blame him anymore.

And there haven’t been any visions anymore. Life has been pretty peaceful, actually. I have visited the church each morning. The place feels rather empty without Father Owen, but I pray each day that they come back from the north without injuries.

I have visited Felix’s garden every day and taken care of it. I’m actually heading there right now. Now that I have been there alone, there has been much time to admire it. And it truly is the most beautiful place I have ever seen. I’m not sure if I can believe that he actually made it only for me. We really hadn’t even talked much when he brought me here for the first time, so it’s hard to imagine he would do something like this for a total stranger. And I wonder why he didn’t just hire a gardener to take care of this place? I don’t understand why he trusts me so much. Whatever the reason, I have enjoyed being here. It has served as a great distraction. I do feel less alone here.

At some point, I got so used to everyone’s company here at the Palace that now I feel rather empty. Two days after Felix and Father Owen left, I went to visit Hans again. I did find him at the greenhouse, but he had some bad news for me. The real gardener had recovered, so he was no longer needed there after that day. The timing really was the worst possible.

He told me that he works at the stables. And during all the gardening work, he has also done his duties at the stables too. Now that the real gardener is back, they granted him a couple of days off, and after that, he returns to the stables. He did give me permission to visit him anytime I want, and I probably will at some point. Especially if Felix and Father Owen are absent for long.

I enter the garden and head to fill the watering cans. I immediately spot the chess piece on the nearby bench. I have no idea how he does that, but every single day I have found his notes and pawns here or inside my room. And I am sure that pawn wasn’t there yesterday. Did he instruct some maid to place them? I walk there, lift the pawn, and take the note under it.

Are you a flower? Because I wanna Bee with you forever.

A faint smile tugs at the corner of my lips. He really is hopeless with these notes. I put the note in my pocket and shake my head.

No. Don’t smile at his creepy notes. I don’t want to be with him forever. I’m not planning to get engaged to him and be murdered by him. When the Selection ends, I will go back home and return to my normal life. His declaration of wanting to marry me really did shock me to the core. I mean sure, I knew he liked me. But wanting to marry me? He really has some weird tastes if he really wants me. The other candidates are so pretty and happy, so talkative and eager. They match much better with his joyful nature. Sometimes I feel like I’m the total opposite of him.

I focus on taking care of the garden. Watering it, making sure there are no new weeds anywhere, and letting my magic flow. When I am finished, I go by the pond and take off my shoes. I go sit on the bridge and let my legs sink under the water. I lean my head back and enjoy the sun’s warm rays on my face.

I try to keep my mind empty, but I keep thinking about Felix. Why do I miss him so much? He has done horrible things to me. I should be furious at him. I can maybe admit that I wanted to kiss him, just a little bit. But I definitely do not want him to do those other… vulgar things.

Unfortunately, I feel my body tensing only at the thought of his fingers rubbing against me. Oh crap. Please forgive me God. I apparently have no control over my body. Please give me strength to resist him.

I open my eyes and suddenly see him sitting in the pond. Just like the day he fell into it. I just stare at him in shock. I’m sure this is one of his illusions, but if I’m seeing it, does it mean he is back already?

“How are you here?” I ask.

“I’m not.” He leans forward and smiles at me. “I’m just a spell that activated when you moved over it.”

“A spell?”

I thought that me living this loop over and over again had made me pretty knowledgeable about things. But while I have been here, it is clear to me that I really don’t know anything about this world. I had no idea you could leave illusion spells like this behind.

“Do you miss me?” His gaze and smile affect me way more than I’d like to admit.

I stay silent, not sure what to say.

“I take silence as a yes, since if you didn’t miss me, you would definitely say that.”

Crap. That’s true. I should have just denied it. I was sloppy.

“You can admit it, I’m just an illusion after all. What harm will it cause?”

I stare at him. I guess he is right. But still, saying it out loud feels wrong. So I stay silent.

“Come on, Lo. Either admit it or I will come there to make you admit it.”

“Okay, okay! I might miss you, but just a little bit.”

His smile widens. “Just keep missing me. I will come back to you. I miss you too, Lo. Way too much.”

My chest tightens, and I feel the redness on my cheeks. I should not care that he misses me. It should not affect me at all. I think it’s better to talk about something else.

“Is there more of these spells of yours here somewhere?”

“Yes. I placed them in places where we have seen each other.”

“Why?”

He chuckles. His illusion version of himself is so real that it is really hard to believe he is not sitting right there, hair and clothes all soaked.

“Just wanted to make sure you won’t forget me. And have someone to talk to at least for a short while.”

“I have people to talk to!” I’m not just some pathetic meek girl who doesn’t talk to people.

“Really? Like who?”

I’m just about to answer when he continues. “And Milna doesn’t count.”

I close my mouth. Why doesn’t Milna count? That just isn’t fair.

“I talk to other candidates during classes,” I point out.

“What about after the classes? What do you do then?”

“I have been taking care of your garden, obviously. You asked me to do that.”

“What else?”

“I have visited the church.”

“Anything else?”

What else? Why are those things not enough?

“Why the hell are you questioning me like this? What does it matter to you what I do? You are not even here!” I snap at him.

He just laughs at my anger, and that makes me even angrier.

“My pretty flower surely is cute when angry.”

“How does that spell of yours even work? How are you able to talk to me like this?”

I change the subject since I don’t know what to answer to his sentence.

“You could say that I left part of me here. So I’m like a copy of the real me. I’m like me at the time I left this spell here. All the memories etc included. But beyond that I don’t know what has happened. When the spell ends, I return to the real me.”

“How long does the spell last? And what does ‘returning’ even mean?”

“Aren’t you quite talkative? Is it because you know I’m just an illusion?”

Am I? I guess I am. I do feel rather comfortable talking to him, but I’m not sure why.

“I don’t know,” I say honestly. “Answer my questions.”

“The spell lasts about ten minutes. And returning means that everything that happens to me while here will be transferred to the real me.”

“What? Like he will find out what we have talked about?” I ask, shock in my voice.

He tilts his head with a smirk. “Yes.”

I kick my feet and splash more water on him. “You jerk! You should have told me that first! Before you made me admit—” I fall silent. Hell no, I’m not going to admit it again.

He just chuckles, and my chest tightens even more. “Admit that you miss me? Yeah, I’m going to be so excited to know that.”

“I don’t miss you, you jerk! You can just stay up north forever, I don’t care. You just blackmailed me into saying it!”

“Sure, sure, whatever you say. And I’m not going to stay up north forever, since my life without you is like a broken pencil.”

“A broken pencil?” I echo.

“It would be pointless.”

He really is unbelievable. He glances at his watch.

“Two minutes left. Anything else you want to confess besides your longing for me?”

“Just tell yourself that I’m way happier now that you are gone. No more visions pestering me, no more looming threats over me, no more improper acts.”

“Improper acts? Do you perhaps mean what we did—”

“Don’t say it!” I yell.

He raises his hands in the air in a sign of surrender. “Relax, I won’t. I promise. No vulgar talk, got it. Anything else?”

I fall silent, thinking for a while.

“If he is able to know what I said here, will I be able to know something from him too? Like in other spells which are here?”

“What would you like to know?”

I lower my gaze to my lap. “I was just wondering if everything is okay there.”

“Unfortunately, the communication doesn’t go the other way. But I’m sure the real me will be absolutely ecstatic to know that you are worried about his well-being.”

I snap my eyes back to him. “No, don’t tell him that! I didn’t mean it like that!”

He chuckles and slowly gets up and walks toward me. I immediately feel my heart rate quicken. He grabs my hand and gives a gentle kiss on the back of it.

“Take care, Lo. I miss you.”

Then he just disappears, and I watch the empty pond. My chest aches. I’m not sure what to think. For the first time this week, I actually feel like I’m a little more alive. Why does talking with him make me suddenly feel like that? And it was just an illusion. I should not be this affected by it. I get up, put my shoes back on, and start heading back to my room.

I should be mad, have at least some negative thoughts about all of that. But for some reason, I just can’t stop smiling.