Master of Minds, Master of Me

I sink under the water as Milna starts washing my hair. My mind is still so confused that it hurts, and my body still feels so weird. What is tormenting my mind? Why would I imagine something like that? Is there something wrong with me? Or is this just some kind of punishment from the Devil? Did he decide that just tormenting me with these endless loops wasn’t enough? Did I do something wrong? Sin even more?

My mind is consumed by my endless questions. And they keep just flowing in.

Am I never going to deserve salvation? To break free from my never-ending punishment? Why do I always keep making mistakes over and over again, causing more misery for myself? Was this because I enjoyed myself in the garden? I think I actually felt a little happy there. I relaxed and just enjoyed the view and listening to Felix talk.

Is that why the Devil decided to punish me? Because I was happy for a moment? Did the Devil make Felix say those things in that sick vision of mine?

I’m doing exactly what you want me to do.

You. Want. Me.

Do I really want Felix to do something like that? Do I want Felix? I mean, I can admit that his company is not as bad as I thought. And I do think he might be a little funny sometimes. Was Father Owen right? Do I really have some kind of attraction toward Felix?

No. That can’t be right. I don’t. That’s just the Devil. He is making me see these things and feel like this. I feel like my body is on fire when I’m that close to Felix. I need to somehow get rid of these weird sensations taking control of me. I’m glad the weekend is over so I can focus better on classes and just try to forget everything that happened during this weekend. I need to visit the church more often. I need to dedicate myself more to God.

Or was this all because God was just angry with me? I have visited the temple regularly all my life, almost every day. But here I haven’t. Is God disappointed in me? Maybe the church isn’t enough.

‘’Lady Lorelia?’’ Milna’s voice wakes me from my thoughts.

‘’Yes?’’

‘’Are you alright? You seem a little absent-minded.’’

‘’I’m sorry for making you worry, Milna. I’m just a little more tired than usual.’’

‘’Did you visit the greenhouse again?’’

‘’Yes.’’

‘’You should ease up on that. The Palace has workers for that purpose. You should leave all the hard work to them. A noble lady like you shouldn’t strain yourself with labor work.’’

Well, I didn’t exactly do any work today since Felix watered the flowers for me.

‘’This doesn’t have anything to do with that. Being in the greenhouse and in the garden makes me feel more at ease. It even relaxes me.’’

‘’But your body feels so fragile. I can’t understand how you can do any labor work without collapsing. You really should eat more.’’

She’s right. My body is rather fragile. I’ve been taught that we shouldn’t be too greedy, not even with food. That we should only eat what we really need and give the rest to those who need it more. And I really don’t need much food to be able to function properly. I’m content that way.

Of course, I know that here at the Palace the food is overflowing, and I know that the food I leave uneaten is probably just going to the trash. But I still can’t force myself to eat much. I’m not sure if it’s only because my body is so used to functioning with so little food that I just don’t need it anymore. Or am I just afraid that my curse will be less likely to break if I suddenly start eating more greedily? Maybe both.

‘’I’m fine, Milna. My body has always been like this, it doesn’t matter how much I eat. But I’m completely healthy. Trust me.’’

Her face looks like she doesn’t believe me, but she doesn’t argue back anymore. Lucky for me. I’m too tired to even discuss anything at the moment. I just want to go to sleep and end this weekend.

But the Devil doesn’t let me sleep in peace. I have a dream.

I dream of us. Us in the pond. I watch as Felix glides his hands against my body. The heat consumes me. My lips part, and I let my hands slide against his wet chest. I open the buttons, aching to see his bare chest again while his hands move closer and closer to my breasts. My heart rate quickens, and I feel my breathing getting ragged. When I have opened his shirt, I slide my fingers against his muscular chest. And at the same time, his hands finally find my breasts. I sigh and feel all the heat rushing between my thighs.

The feeling is foreign. I still don’t understand it. I know it’s wrong. But I just can’t stop feeling his body. I just can’t open my mouth and tell him that I want him to stop. Do I want him to stop? I don’t know.

Then suddenly, I feel my reason kicking in, and I wake up. My chest is heaving, and I’m breathing heavily. And the worst part? I wake up with my hand between my legs. I immediately pull my hand out and stare at it like it’s the Devil himself. A huge shock goes through me as I realize I’m wet. I have never been wet, never like this. I mean, of course, I know how human anatomy works even though I have never experienced it myself. So I guess I can’t deny it anymore. Even I can feel physical attraction, apparently.

But knowing that doesn’t change anything. It only makes my resolution stronger. I need to fight back harder. I’m not going to fall for the Devil’s temptation. I’m going to prove I’m not that weak, that I can resist and be worthy of redemption. That I deserve to break free from this curse of mine. I need to resist.

---

It’s Monday morning, and after breakfast, I decide to visit the church before today’s class begins. This week's subject is going to be history, and I’m pretty sure this is going to be an easy week for me. Since my father really enjoys reading books about our country’s history, he has told me stories about our land since I was a baby. I liked to listen to his warm, gentle voice when he told me about something he had just learned.

I miss my family. I should write them a letter today, ask how everything is going there. I know that this week Belia is going to fall from the tree. Usually, I have been there to stop it, but now that I’m here, I have to just hope that my warning through the letter will make Belia behave. She will only hurt her knee a little, a few scratches, but I would like to prevent that even if I just can. And tomorrow is the day when that one old man will trip on the pavement, the bouquet of flowers scattering on the street and the carriage running over them. The flowers were for his sick wife, and it pains me that I can’t be there to stop him from falling.

There are so many things that are going to happen now that I’m stuck here. I feel immense guilt over thinking yesterday that maybe forgetting to deliver the letter was worth seeing the secret garden. That was so selfish of me. How could I forget all the things that were happening out there when I was just strolling around the garden, enjoying myself? No wonder the Devil sunk his teeth into me yesterday so easily.

When I went to sleep last night, I found so many reasons that might have caused yesterday’s incident. So many reasons why I deserved to get punished. I really can’t blame anyone else but myself. This is the 29th time, but apparently, I still haven’t learned anything yet. How to be content. How to be devoted.

But I believe in my faith. I believe I will get there eventually, break the curse and fall into eternal slumber at last.

I push the church door open and find it empty. I guess it's a little too early for Father Owen to be here yet. I go sit in the front row and sink myself into prayer. I go through all my flaws, ask for forgiveness and guidance. I go through the visions that the Devil caused me, telling how weak I was to fall into his trap so easily. I go through my dream from last night, admitting my carnal desire, admitting my weak mind. I promise I will be better and stronger, be more content, and more devoted from now on.

I’m not sure how long I just sit there, but when I have said all that I wanted, I get up. I aim toward the door, and when I twist the doorknob and pull it open, someone opens it from the outside at the same time. And I’m faced with Father Owen. He looks a little out of breath. Was he in a hurry?

‘’Good morning, Father Owen.’’ I bow to him slightly.

‘’Good morning, Lady Florentia. Were you leaving already?’’

‘’Yes. I just came for some morning prayers.’’

‘’Do you have to go already? Or do you have time to talk?’’

‘’My lessons are starting soon, so I should head inside to prepare for them.’’

‘’I understand. I was just rather excited to see you again. Do you usually pray in the mornings?’’

‘’Yes, back at home I do. Here I really haven’t, and I started to feel rather guilty for it. So I thought I could start doing that here too. I think it’s a great way to start your day with a clean heart.’’

He smiles at me warmly. ‘’I do agree. I’m usually here in the morning too, but today I apparently overslept a little. But I do wish to see you in the mornings in the future. I also think visiting here in the morning is a great way to start the day.’’

I smile at him gently and give a light bow. ‘’Until tomorrow morning then. Have a pleasant day, Father Owen.’’

He bows back at me. ‘’I hope you enjoy your day too, Lady Lorelia.’’

I exit the church and head to my room.

---

The first lesson about history went pretty smoothly. I really didn’t pay any attention to the other candidates. I only focused on the subject at hand. I think if I only focus on one thing at a time, I can prevent my mind from drifting. So I will study hard and put all my energy into that. After class, I ate and now I’m heading back to the greenhouse.

It has become my usual habit to visit the greenhouse after eating. A walk helps digest the food, and the company of flowers helps ease my mind. And of course, it helps me focus on something, preventing unwanted thoughts from coming in.

‘’Good day, Lady Lorelia,’’ Hans greets me with his kind smile.

‘’Good day, Hans. Is there anything I can help with?’’

‘’Hmm… not really. Since it rained last night, the garden doesn’t need watering at all, and I already took care of the flowers inside the greenhouse.’’

‘’Oh…’’ Well, that’s a shame.

Hans chuckles. ‘’Don’t look so disappointed. You work hard here every day. It’s good to have free days sometimes.’’

I know that. But I can’t let my mind have a free day. I sit on the bench inside the greenhouse, feeling a little defeated.

‘’I don’t like free days. I’d rather stay in motion than just sit around and do nothing.’’

Hans comes to sit next to me. ‘’Are you trying to distract yourself from something?’’

I turn to look at him. ‘’How did you know?’’

He chuckles softly. ‘’My wife is like that too, so I recognize it easily.’’

‘’Oh, I didn’t know you had a wife.’’

I’ve known Hans for a week now, but we actually never talk about him.

‘’I do. She works here at the Palace too. But I don’t see her much during the daytime, especially now when I’m covering for the gardener.’’

I smile. He looks happy, so I guess his relationship with his wife is pretty happy too.

‘’That reminded me, do you know when the real gardener will get back?’’ I ask.

‘’Oh? That eager to get rid of me?’’ He chuckles again.

‘’Oh no! Of course not. I didn’t mean it like that.’’ A slight panic rises within me.

‘’Don’t worry, I was just joking. But I can’t give you the answer. He broke his hand, so he’s doing other work, something that doesn’t need two hands. But I’m sure he will get back when he gets better.’’

‘’I see. Well, I feel bad for him. But I do enjoy working alongside you, so I don’t mind you staying here longer,’’ I admit.

He smiles, little wrinkles forming in the corners of his eyes.

‘’Likewise, Lady Lorelia. And without you, I would have probably killed half of the flowers already.’’ He chuckles once again.

I just smile along with him. Since he’s probably right. I guess I’ve successfully saved something here too. Despite this, I still feel guilt for not being out there, helping people like I usually would. But I guess I just need to do what I can inside these tall Palace walls.