Master of Minds, Master of Me

“So, Lorelia. Why did you want to withdraw from the Selection?”

I turn my gaze to him, shocked by his question.

“How do you know that?”

“I rummaged through your file.”

He says it like it's the most common and obvious thing to do. I didn’t even know they had a file about me. That’s pretty disturbing to know. But I guess it kind of makes sense since they are going to evaluate us while we are here. So they must restore the information somewhere. And of course, it’s understandable that he wants to know about his future Queen candidates.

I stay silent for a while, not sure if it is right to just say the truth directly to him. But I don’t want to lie either. Since lying is a sin.

“I just don’t want to be a Queen.”

He lifts his eyes from the rose and looks at me, and I shift my focus back to the roses, not wanting to look him in the eyes.

“Why not?”

“I live to serve God, not the country,” I say honestly.

He chuckles, which surprises me. “I like your honesty. But don’t you think you can serve both at the same time?”

“To some extent, of course. But I have decided to devote myself completely to God.”

“Why?”

What is wrong with him and with his interrogation? I already feel uncomfortable enough being forced to be this close to him. He makes the situation even worse with his questions. But I keep my outer layer calm and answer him patiently.

“God blessed me when I was born. I feel like I want to repay that blessing. And God created all of this, so it just feels natural to live for Her.”

“Oh, I read about that in your file. Eternal happiness, right?”

I feel a sharp pain in my gut, but I nod with a gentle smile.

“Well, are you?”

“Am I what?”

“Happy?”

Am I happy? How could I be, when I live in this never-ending loop of torment? When the Devil makes sure I will never escape and live my life like everyone else does.

“I’m content when I get to serve God.”

“I didn’t ask if you are content. I asked if you are happy.”

“I’m as happy as I can possibly be,” I say with the smile still on my lips.

That was the truth after all. With my curse, I don’t believe I can be any happier than I am now, which obviously isn’t much.

“Well, I am extremely happy at this moment,” he says with a very joyful voice suddenly.

I even turn to look at him because of it. And his smile shines brightly among the flowers. I don’t say anything, I just stare at him. I'm a little confused about how his smile affects my mind. But eventually, I’m able to mumble,

“Why?”

“Why?” he echoes, tilting his head a little. “I already told you, I just like my pretty flower so much.”

I return my focus to planting the roses. I didn’t know he actually enjoyed flowers that much. But I can understand that, since I do feel more at ease among flowers. I guess talking to him is not so bad after all if we share a common interest.

“You do know that you are free to use the Palace church as much as you want?” he says.

I turn back to look at him. The Palace church, I have totally forgotten it while being here. I have just prayed in my room. The church would definitely be a better place to be closer to God.

“My father mentioned that you have your own church here, and I will gladly visit it.”

He returns to plant another rose and I see his forehead is starting to be pretty sweaty. The sun is rather hot today so I guess it’s understandable. He swipes the sweat with the back of his hand and then his hand falls to his shirt collar. He loosens it and slowly starts to unbutton his shirt.

What is he doing? I mean, I know it’s hot, but you can’t just start to take off your clothes here! I want to ask him, say something, try to stop him, but for some reason I just watch him, eyes locked on his long fingers unbuttoning the shirt, button after button. Then he slowly opens the shirt and I see his bare chest: lean and muscular and gleaming with sweat. I just stare at it. I have seen few times a male's bare chest. But it never felt like this. But they never looked like that either. I feel my heart rate rising. And my body feels weird. Somehow very foreign. Like some kind of heat is piling up inside me. I don’t recognize the feeling. I just know I don’t like it. What is happening to me?

Then I hear his voice and I lift my gaze to his face, but he is just staring at me intently, smiling teasingly. But his mouth isn’t moving. How can he talk when his mouth doesn’t even move?

“Lady Lorelia? Are you okay?”

I close my eyes and shake my head, trying to focus. When I open my eyes, I see him like nothing ever happened. His shirt is tightly closed and there is no sweat on his forehead. He is looking at me with a worried expression.

“You okay? Is the sun starting to be too much?”

What the hell just happened? Oh no, I said it again. I shake my head again, trying to undo the bad word inside my head.

But seriously, what was that? I clearly saw him undressing himself. How can he now just be there normally? Was I imagining it? Was I hallucinating?

“I…” It’s hard to focus on speaking when I’m still a little shocked about what happened. “I’m fine. Just getting a little tired, I guess.”

“Well, good thing we are finished here then. Let’s get the stuff back to the greenhouse.”

He gets up and offers his hand to me. I really don’t want to take it, but it would be rude not to. So I take it, and when he helps me up, a weird tingling sensation goes through me. I halt as I try to grasp what it was. Like a jolt of electricity traveling through my body.

What’s wrong with me today? Maybe I really need to rest. He grabs the now empty box, puts the trowel inside and starts to head toward the greenhouse. I quickly follow him. My mind is still puzzled. And luckily he stays silent the whole way.

When we reach the greenhouse, Hans is just stepping outside.

“Your Highness! I didn’t know you were coming. If I had known, I would have—”

“Relax,” he interrupts. “I was just helping our little part-time gardener with the roses.”

Hans still looks a little startled as he looks at me. “Oh, I see.”

I step a little forward. “We planted the rest of the roses. I think I’m going to go inside already, the sun is getting too hot for me.”

Actually, I’m not sure if it is because of the sun or something else. I just need to cool down somehow. The Crown Prince returns the box inside the greenhouse and walks back.

“I’ll escort you back.”

“I appreciate the offer, Your Highness. But there is no need.”

He tilts his head again. “Well, I give you two options to choose from.”

“What options?” I have a bad feeling about this.

“Option number one: You let me escort you.” His smile turns into a smirk. “Option number two: I will carry you there.”

What is this thing with him and carrying people around? I really don’t understand him at all. I want to say “neither.” But once again, denying help from the Crown Prince would be considered rude. And I kind of have a feeling that he knows that I can’t refuse him after that.

“In that case, I’m happy to have you escort me back.”

I bid my farewell to Hans and we start heading back to my room. And lucky for me, he stays quiet. I feel his gaze on me from time to time, but I ignore it. My mind is still occupied with what I saw in the garden.

Why would I see him taking off his shirt? And why did my body feel so weird seeing it? Am I sick or something? Or is this just a new trick from the Devil? Trying to torment me more now that I’ve sidetracked from my usual safe path? Is it because I haven’t visited a temple or a church almost for a week?

Maybe visiting the church is the right thing to do. I halt.

“Your Highness?”

He stops and turns to face me with a weird smile on his lips. “Yes?”

“Could I perhaps visit the church right now?”

“Are you sure you shouldn’t rest? You said you were tired.”

“My body and soul are more at rest while being closer to God.”

“In that case, we need to change direction. I’ll take you there.”

“Thank you, Your Highness.”

“You know, you could just call me Felix already.”

“I respectfully decline, Your Highness.”

He starts to sulk dramatically.

“How mean of you. Don’t you think it’s quite exhausting to constantly say ‘Your Highness’? Felix is much shorter and easier to say.”

“I assure you, it’s not exhausting, Your Highness.”

“What do you call me inside your head?”

“Inside my head?” I ask, confused by his weird question.

“Like when you think. Like when you saw me grabbing you earlier today, preventing you from falling. Were you like: ‘Oh shit! His Highness is here.’ Or more like, ‘Oh fuck! The most handsome man is here!’”

He is being very theatrical while talking, trying to imitate me while swinging his hands around. And I just stare at him in mild shock. What are these examples?

“Firstly, I don’t swear, Your Highness.”

“Oh? Not even inside your head?”

A little stab of guilt penetrates me, since I have said those couple of words that I will not repeat.

“I try my best to be a well-mannered, pious person.”

“Okay…” He says it like he doesn’t believe me. And then he continues his theatrical act of acting me out. “Then did you think like ‘Oh my, the sexy prince is here,’ or like ‘Oh dear, the light of my life is here’?”

His examples are even worse now. I still can’t comprehend that this playful man is the Crown Prince. Is this really real? Or did I accidentally end up in some kind of alternative universe or something?

“Oh, were those not right either?” He pretends to think for a while. “Then how about—”

“I just call you the Crown Prince inside my head.” I interrupt him before he invents even more idiotic phrases.

“Oh…” He looks kind of disappointed, dramatically so. “I would have definitely preferred you to think of me as ‘sexy prince’ if I had a choice in that.”

Lucky for me, you don’t have a choice in that. I don’t answer him, since once again I have no idea what to answer for something like that. But soon he breaks the silence. I was so pleased when we just walked side by side quietly. That fun is clearly over now.

“Well, why don’t you just call me Felix inside your head?”

“What? Why?”

“Why not? It’s not like anyone will ever know what you call me in that pretty head of yours. It’s shorter and easier to say. You can still keep calling me more formally verbally if you want.”

Call him by his name inside my head? Is that really okay? I don’t think it is the right thing to do. Crown Prince is better.

“I’ll stick with the Crown Prince.”

He suddenly moves his hands to cover his heart and acts out like somebody just shot him.

“Ugh! You pierced me. It hit straight in my heart. Your denial hit me straight in my feelings.”

What the hell is this man doing? Is he completely nuts or something?

“What are you doing?” I ask.

“Trying to make you feel guilty for not calling me Felix inside your head, obviously. Did it work?”

“No?”

“Goddammit. Okay then, I have to play dirty.”

Dirty? What does that even mean? Then he stops walking and crosses his arms in front of his chest and looks at me, narrowing his eyes.

“If you don’t call me Felix inside your head, I won’t let you use the church.”

“What?” I blurt that out way too loudly. I didn’t mean to say that out loud at all actually.

“It’s called blackmail.”

I just stare at his ocean eyes, utterly confused. Is he being serious? Why does he want me to call him by his name so badly? And if I just call him that inside my head, he doesn't even hear it. So what does it matter what I call him?

“Are you serious?” I ask, hoping I just misunderstood him or something.

“Absolutely. Dead serious.”

I furrow my brows, thinking. Well, it’s just a name, so calling him that shouldn’t be so bad. I think.

“So will you call me Felix?”

I nod slightly and his face brightens up.

“Well, did you call me that already?”

I shake my head. He leans in and narrows his eyes again.

“Say it.”

“Why? It’s not like you can hear me saying it. I really don’t understand why it matters that I call you the Crown Prince in my thoughts.”

“Well, it just does. If you say it to yourself now, I’ll keep walking.”

I gulp. Why does just saying it feel so wrong? It’s just a name after all. He is a human too, not some God.

He leans even closer. “Say it.”

I stare at him for a while.

“Say it.”

Fe… Felix. Why was it so hard to say his name just inside my own mind?

He suddenly smiles. “Did you say it?”

I nod.

“Good. Now let’s get you to that church.”

I stay still for a while. I feel a little embarrassed, and I don’t even know why. He stills when he notices that I’m not following him.

“You coming?”

I nod and start walking toward the church with him.

When we arrive, he turns to face me and reaches his hand to me. Clearly expecting me to give him my hand. But I don't want to. His touch felt so weird previously in the garden. So I just end up staring at his hand without knowing what to do.

''I swear I am going to stand here as long as it needs for you to give me your hand.''

I raise my eyes to his. Would God think that it would be rude to not give the hand? Probably. So I lift my hand to his. He grabs it gently and bows to give a kiss to the back of it. And the same tingling electricity travels through me, making my body feel weird.

''Thank you for your lovely company, Lorelia. I hope our church is to your liking. I can't wait to see my pretty flower again.''

He straightens himself and leaves. I say nothing. I don't know what to say. The skin on the back of my hand still tingles. I shake my head, trying to get rid of the memory of what just happened and focus on what's important.

I step inside the church. It’s absolutely stunning, which is expected since it’s on the grounds of the Royal Palace. But it’s not stunning in a shiny, expensive way. It’s stunning in a more conservative or historical kind of way. It’s clearly old but very well preserved. I slide my hand along the wooden chairs as I walk closer to the altar. I sit on the front row and start to pray.

I pray for forgiveness for the couple of curse words that slipped into my head earlier. And I ask forgiveness for what I saw in the garden. I still don’t know what it was, but I know it wasn’t right. And maybe I don’t even want to know what it was. Sometimes not knowing is a blessing.

I open my eyes when I hear footsteps somewhere and see a priest approaching.

“It has been quite a while since someone has visited this place.”

His voice is warm and kind, just like his smile. He’s probably a little over thirty years old and has brown hair. I stand up and greet him with a bow.

“My pleasure to meet you, Father. My name is Lorelia Helesantra.”

“Likewise. I’m Father Owen.”

“Are you a priest here in the Royal Palace?”

He nods and smiles gently. “Yes, I am. I’ve been taking care of this church for four years now.”

“It’s a very lovely church. Much cozier than any temple or church I have visited.”

“I’m glad to hear you like it. It’s a shame it doesn’t get many visitors. But of course, that’s probably the reason why this place has stayed in such good condition all these years.”

I smile gently. “I guess there’s always a positive side to everything.”

“Well, what led you here today? Do you seek the aid of God?”

I nod. “Yes. Something happened today, and I feel the need to pray for forgiveness.”

“Forgiveness? Would you like to have a confession?”

Confession? I glance around and spot the confession booth in one corner. I’ve done it many times before, but usually my confessions aren’t anything major. They usually just contain my guilt about being too selfish or eating too much, etc. But this time is different. I don’t know what happened inside my mind. I just know it was wrong. So maybe confession would be a good idea.

“Sure, if you have the time, Father.”

“I always have time for God’s children. This way.”

He leads me to the confession booth, and I go sit on one side while he takes the other, so we can’t see each other.

“So, what happened to you today?”

I fall silent for a while. Confession really is harder when I actually have something bad to confess.

“Umm… I was in the garden today, and something happened. Something I cannot explain.”

I fall silent again, trying to gather the courage to speak.

“There is nothing to worry about. You know God won’t judge like that. There is nothing that She would not forgive if you truly seek redemption for it.” His voice is warm and gives me the courage I need.

“I was planting flowers with a man.”

“A man? Was he a friend of yours?”

“No. Not at all. He just happened to be there and wanted to help me.”

“So, did something happen with this man?”

“Well, I’m not sure. I was just looking at him while he worked, and suddenly I saw him starting to take his shirt off and looking at me in a very strange way. And just seconds later, when I blinked, he was there like nothing had happened, fully clothed and everything. It felt like what I saw was a hallucination, but it still felt so weird and wrong.”

“I see. And how did watching him take his shirt off make you feel?”

I furrow my brows and fall silent, trying to remember. Then the same scene unfolds in my mind: the Crown Prince crouching on the ground, forehead sweaty, hands sliding to his shirt, buttons opening one by one, the sunlight hitting his bare, lean chest. My body starts to tense again. I shake my head, and the image disappears.

“I felt weird, like there was this odd tension inside me, or heat. I’ve never felt anything like that, so I don’t understand what happened. I just knew that it was wrong.”

“Did your heart rate quicken?”

“Yes.”

“Well, to me it sounds like you just liked what you saw in a physical way.”

“In a physical way? What do you mean?”

“Like in a sexual way. Like you felt attracted to him and your subconscious just started to fantasize. Create an image in your mind of what you desire to see.”

“What?” I blurt out way too loudly.

In a sexual way? Absolutely not! I have never liked anyone in a sexual way. My whole body is devoted to God, and I will never entertain the idea of sins of the flesh.

“Does that feel wrong?” He asks, there is clearly a little confusion in his voice.

“Yes. I’m sure it was something else. I have never indulged myself in anything remotely close to that. My body and mind are devoted only to God.”

''You do know that religion doesn’t forbid physical connections with humans?”

Of course I know. Even priests are allowed to marry. But for me, it just doesn’t feel right. If I want to be good enough to free myself from my curse, I need to devote myself to God fully, in every part of life.

“I know. But I don’t want that. It feels wrong for me. I want to keep myself far away from anything physical like that. From anything that might distract me from my purpose.”

“So, you want to resist your physical desires?”

“I’m not admitting that I even have those. I just want to get rid of that vision from my head and make my mind pure again. What can I do to make it happen?”

He clearly thinks for a while before answering. “I’ll say it once more, there’s nothing wrong with having thoughts like that. But if you insist on denying them, you need to wash the lustful thoughts away.”

“How?”

Do I really have lustful thoughts?

“Tonight, when you go wash yourself, kneel under the water. Pray to our God to help you purify your mind and body. If you really are sincere in your prayers, the water will wash the unwanted thoughts away. Water is the element of God after all.”

Wash the sins with water? That does make sense. Water is used in many holy rituals.

“Thank you, Father.”

“I hope you find the ending you seek. But remember to be merciful to yourself. We are all humans, after all.”

I hear him getting out of the booth, but I stay there for a while, still thinking about what happened today.

I knew the Crown Prince would only cause harm. I really do hope I don’t see him anymore. I have strayed from my path already too much, and I have the feeling that his presence is going to mislead me even more.

When I arrive in my room, Milna is already there. She has prepared a little evening snack for me, but I really don’t feel like eating.

“Good evening, Lady Lorelia. Shall I prepare the bath for you after you have eaten?”

“No need, Milna. I will only take a shower today.”

She looks at me with confusion but doesn’t ask any further and eventually just leaves. I try to eat, but forcing the food down feels impossible. So I give up and just head to the bathroom.

I need to clean myself, to make myself pure again. So I take my clothes off and go under the shower. I first clean myself and wash my hair. When I’m satisfied that my body is completely clean. I kneel down, letting the water pour over me and I pray. I pray for God's aid to help me be pure again. To wipe away all that happened today. To repent for all my sins and ask for forgiveness. Let the water make me pure again.