Chapter 245: I Need Poop!
After finally snapping out of his daze, Mika stood up abruptly, water sloshing around him.
"Luna! Did you say the eosinophil percentage was 9.4?"
Luna nodded, startled by his intensity. "Y-Yes. Is something wrong?"
"What about IgE? Immunoglobulin E. It should be somewhere in those pages. Can you find it for me?"
Luna’s fingers flew through the papers. "Here. It says 480 IU/mL."
Luca’s eyes trembled. "And hemoglobin? What’s the hemoglobin level?"
She searched again. "Nine grams per deciliter."
That was the final piece. Luca grabbed his head, looking like a bomb had gone off in his mind.
"Could it be...Could it actually be!? All the signs match up perfectly. It makes so much sense!"
"But...But how could that possibly cause something like that?!"
Nyx quickly got out of the lake, water dripping from her naked body as she followed Luca.
"What’s wrong, Hero? Why are you talking to yourself? You’re sounding like a crazy person right now."
But Luca was too deep in his thoughts to respond.
He suddenly looked at Luna with intense focus.
"Luna! You told me when we first met about how the villagers used to suffer from this illness where they would feel a lot of pain in their body, starting from the gut, right?"
Luna nodded quickly. "Yes. I had it when I was a baby along with Lulu. Everyone was so worried, they thought something terrible was going to happen to me."
Nyx chimed in, her expression solemn.
"I was the one who took care of them at that time. Both of them were sick. It was the most terrifying night of my life. They kept crying and crying. No matter what we did, we couldn’t figure out what was wrong."
Hearing this, Luca stepped closer to Nyx and grabbed her shoulders fervently and asked,
"Why exactly were you taking care of both of them!? Isn’t Leona supposed to do that?!"
Nyx had an awkward look on her face as she glanced at Luna before answering.
"It was around the same time that Leona started acting really weird and strange. She was distancing herself from everyone. It wasn’t completely obvious at first, but she was definitely off."
"Then, when both of the girls fell completely ill, she didn’t even glance at them." She let out a sigh. "I thought she was too destroyed inside to face them, so I took care of them instead."
Hearing this, Luca’s face broke into a wide, triumphant smile like he heard exactly what he wanted to hear.
"Yes. Yes. That’s perfect. That’s fucking perfect!"
Nyx and Luna stared at him, bewildered.
"How can that be good?" Nyx asked. "That’s tragic."
Luca wasn’t listening and instead urgently asked,
"The others who got sick, they had the same symptoms, right? Pain in the gut that would come and go randomly?"
Nyx nodded, as she touched her belly.
"I had it too, once. Horrible pain. Like someone stabbing me in the stomach and twisting the knife. And then it would just...disappear. Julius couldn’t diagnose it. No one could."
Luca’s smile widened. "Of course he couldn’t. He didn’t want to."
He pulled back from both of them, spinning around, arms spread wide, looking up at the sky.
"Julius." He said, his voice full of dark glee. "Oh, Julius, you motherfucker."
He laughed—a bright, exultant sound.
"I was thinking in so many different directions. I thought you used magic. Or a curse. Or maybe you had some secret weapon, a plague bomb, something that could threaten the village."
"I had so many theories!"
He shook his head, still laughing.
"But this? You sneaky, sneaky bastard. Who would have thought you’d do something like this?"
He looked at Nyx and Luna, his eyes blazing with the thrill of discovery.
"I know what he did. I know how he’s been controlling Leona all these years. And I know how to stop it!"
Both Luna and Nyx whipped their heads toward him, their faces identical masks of absolute shock.
"What?!" They said in unison.
Nyx’s mind was reeling.
She had spent decades trying to figure out what Julius had done to her sister. She had investigated, observed, interrogated, and even considered extreme measures.
And here was Luca, casually piecing it together from some papers and test results after barely a glance. He claimed he already knew what was going on. It was almost insulting.
Before either of them could ask a single question, Luca clutched his head with a look of genuine anguish. His whole body tensed.
"Wait, no, hold on. Stop. I need proof." His eyes darted back and forth. "Hard proof. Substantial proof. I can’t just go off this. I need to test everything. Verify everything. Confirm everything."
His eyes lit up with a bright, predatory gleam as he glanced at both of them.
Luna and Nyx shivered in unison.
That look—that was the look of a man who was about to do something unhinged.
"And for that..." Luca’s smile widened. "I need blood. I need a lot of blood!"
Before they could respond, he reached into his inventory and summoned a handful of glass vials and a small scalpel.
In a flash, he snatched both their hands, so fast they didn’t even have time to flinch and swiped the blade across their fingers. The incisions were so tiny they barely felt them, but blood welled up immediately.
He pressed their fingers into the vials, squeezing gently until the glass was filled with crimson liquid, then sealed them shut with practiced efficiency.
"I got it! I got it!" He held the vials up to the light, his eyes gleaming like a mad scientist admiring his creation.
Then he shook his head violently. "No. No, I need more. I need MORE!"
Still completely naked, dripping water from the lake, his penis swinging like a pendulum, he charged out of the clearing and sprinted back toward the village.
It didn’t take long for the screams to start.
"H-HERO! YOU’RE NAKED! YOU’RE COMPLETELY NAKED!"
"HERO, YOUR THING IS OUT! YOUR THING!"
"Wait—why are you coming toward ME?! AHH! SOMEONE STOP THE HERO! HE’S GONE CRAZY! HE’S CUTTING PEOPLE WHILE NAKED!"
"DARLING, DON’T LOOK! COVER YOUR EYES!"
"OH MY GOD, IT’S SO BIG—"
"WHY IS SO BIG?!"
"IS THAT A SNAKE HANGING OFF HIM?!"
"DON’T LOOK!"
The village erupted into absolute pandemonium. Elves ran in every direction, some screaming, some covering their children’s eyes while stealing glances themselves.
And even a few, bless their curious hearts peeking, through their fingers to get another glimpse of the hero’s majestic, terrifying, absolutely ridiculous anatomy.
Meanwhile, Luca weaved through the chaos like a naked bulldozer, nicking fingers, filling vials, and leaving a trail of bewildered elves in his wake.
Back at the lake, Luna and Nyx stood frozen, staring at the direction he had disappeared.
Luna turned to her aunt, her face pale.
"What’s going on, Auntie Nyx? Has Luca really gone crazy?"
Nyx wrapped her arms around herself, her expression troubled.
"Maybe. I did talk to him about a serious topic earlier. Put a big responsibility on his shoulders."
She bit her lip. "Maybe it was too much. Maybe he lost control."
They both fell silent, imagining the worst.
Then Luca came running back toward them, a bunch of vials clutched in his hands, his penis still swinging below like a battering ram. His face was split by a wild, triumphant grin.
"I GOT IT! You two, I GOT IT! I got all the blood I need!"
Nyx reacted like a mother whose child had just run through a mud puddle.
"Yes, Hero, yes, you got it. Wonderful. Amazing. Now first put on some clothes before you accidentally traumatize a child for life."
She grabbed his arm and started wrestling him into his pants. Luna helped on the other side, both of them working with the efficiency of a pit crew.
Within moments, he was dressed—not neatly, not properly, but covered enough to not get arrested.
Luca barely noticed. He stared at the vials in his hands with a fervent gaze, his mind clearly somewhere else.
"Now that I’ve got the blood, I need—"
He suddenly grabbed both of them by the shoulders, his eyes wild.
Both women exclaimed in surprise.
"What? What? Why are you looking at us like that?"
"I need...I need..."
He stammered in excitement until finally saying,
"...I NEED YOUR POOP!"
The silence that followed was deafening.
Luna stared in dismay before she pulled back, shivering all over, her face cycling through shades of horror.
"Auntie Nyx! Luca really has gone crazy!" She turned to her aunt with desperate eyes. "We really need to help him. He’s asking such absurd things! H-He’s asking for poop! POOP of all things!"
"We need to treat him!"
Nyx picked up a rock from the ground, hefting it thoughtfully.
"I don’t really know much about medical treatment, but I’ve heard that if you smash someone’s head enough times, it sometimes works out."
Luna didn’t even reject the idea. It seemed perfectly reasonable in her eyes.
But Luca immediately shook his head, looking genuinely offended.
"You two aren’t listening! For my next test, I need actual excrement. This is absolutely necessary. It’s a legitimate medical procedure!"
But despite this, Nyx took a step back, covering her chest like she was shielding her innocence.
"I’m sorry, Hero, but even though I’m quite kinky and have a lot of different fetishes that I’m definitely open to exploring, even I don’t want to go down such a dirty path."
"I have no interest in playing around with my own poop."
Luna nodded vigorously. "Me neither! I’d much rather drown myself in this lake than let you play around with...with that."
They both huddled together, genuinely frightened that Luca with how perverted he looked right now was about to do something unspeakable with their bodily waste.
Luca grabbed his head in frustration.
"That’s not what I’m asking for! It’s for a TEST! I’m not joking! It’s really serious!"
Something in his voice made them pause. He actually sounded sincere. Desperate, even.
They exchanged a glance.
Nyx cleared her throat.
"Even if you’re being serious, Hero, I really can’t push out anything right now." She smiled apologetically. "You yourself already know that my back door is completely empty. I went this morning."
Luca blinked. She had a point. He had thoroughly, enthusiastically, and repeatedly explored that particular area.
He knew there was nothing in there.
He turned to Luna.
She quickly nodded her head, her face bright red.
"M-Me too! I already went this morning! And once I go, I can’t go for another three days."
She hated admitting this. She hated every word coming out of her mouth. But she had no choice.
"So, I really can’t help you right now!"
A look of deep, profound disappointment crossed Luca’s face.
He looked down at the ground, then up at the sky, then around at the forest, like he was hoping a random pile of poop would materialize out of nowhere.
"This is really important." He muttered. "I really need some poop right now."
Nyx and Luna exchanged a look of mutual disgust and embarrassment. This topic was too much. This whole situation was too much.
But just then, out of nowhere, a cheerful voice rang out behind them.
"Oh, you guys! You’re over here! I was searching for you!"
Lulu came bouncing over, looking as happy and free-spirited as ever, completely oblivious to the nightmare she was about to walk into.