Monarch of Profound Toxin

Eik held up a hand as his brain worked to process the words he had just heard. "Hold up, wait a minute… I'm being appointed Elixir King now?"

Goo didn't seem to care at all what was going on between the adults but Bin's ears seemed to wiggle in a suspiciously vigorous manner as her conversation with Philip came to an abrupt end. The boy, not nearly as subtle as his classmate, craned his neck to get a better look over the backrest of the couch.

"Ah, no, I-I apologize but it would appear that there is a slight misunderstanding, Mr. Magnasen," the representative of the Alchemist Guild hurried to say. "We are not quite at the point where one could appropriately call it an appointment yet. There are a number of things to iron out before such a time, although I can promise you that it is being done with all haste, Mr. Magnasen."

Eik waved a hand to get her to stop. "Yeah, okay, no, I get that, but what I really want to know is why? Why is this coming up now of all times?"

The representative adopted a frown of her own at this. "I-I'm so sorry, but I am not quite sure I follow you, Mr. Magnasen. Would now be a particularly bad time for you?"

"I mean, it's not like it's a problem or anything but it's just that we're in the middle of a cosmic crisis, you know?"

Realization flashed behind her eyes. "Oh, Mr. Magnasen, I completely understand your concern, however, I regret to inform you that I have no hand in the decision-making on this matter. You will have to talk to my superiors regarding any issues you may have regarding the timing of this matter."

"Ah, uuh, no. No issues with the timing, I suppose…" Eik stumbled, hands held up to deflect the avalanche of words. If not for her blood red skin, Eik might well have assumed that she was an Earthling who had worked a tiresome customer service job back on Old Earth. "It's no big deal."

She flashed a smile. "That is great to hear!" she said and shot to her feet, slightly startling an absentminded Goo. "Well, then, Mr. Magnasen. Shall I escort you to the Alchemist Guild of Gimleh?"

For a moment he was stunned. "Wait, now? You want me to go now?" he asked incredulously. "But I just got h—"

"Due to my lack of preparation, I already arrived here to relay their summons to you without first making sure that you were actually at home at the time. We are already more than an hour behind schedule because of my mistake so there really is not time to waste, Mr. Magnasen. I apologize."

Apologetic but firm pressure to make him obey, and absorbing all blame for the situation to make it more difficult to get mad. Damn, she was good. Luckily, Eik still had one, surefire weapon remaining. The hope of slacking off at home was still alive!

He offered a small but respectful bow. "I can only apologize that you have come all of this way," he said and glanced conspicuously at the mother of his kids. "But since I've only just gotten back home after a long day of… doing stuff, I am sure my family would really appreciate if I didn't simply run back out straight aw—"

Before he could finish, Ihasu waved dismissively. "Just go, Eik. It doesn't sound like it would take that long, so just go and get it over with and come home afterward."

Shocked to his very core, Eik looked down at his son. The little shit hadn't been following along from the beginning, so next he sought out his daughter, but she had already lost interest and returned to her conversation with Philip Junior.

Damn it! Could he get away with grounding her for that? Nah, probably not.

Finally, his eyes returned to Ihasu's treacherous, throwing-family-under-the-bus face as he pinched a tear and whispered under his breath. "You're dead to me, snake!"

As he got up to put his boots back on, she flashed him a grin and stuffed a whole piece of milk slice into her mouth like the total snake she was.

Wait! There was one last thing he could try. "Can't they just come here instead?" he asked, hope shining brightly in his eyes. And it was even sweeter when he caught a glimpse of Ihasu's face when she hear that suggestion.

"That's a great idea, Mr. Magnasen," the representative said, fueling the ember of hope to a bonfire. "But unfortunately, that won't be possible right now," she continued, throwing a metaphorical bath tub worth of cold water on that bonfire. "The guild master has recently experienced another failing of his health and has been ordered by his healers to move around as little as possible."

"Oh, shit," Eik said somberly. "Okay, yeah, I totally understand. Of course I'll come." He pulled his boots all the way on.

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Without a sound or any warning, Mis landed on his shoulder and immediately began licking his ear. He giggled and lifted her into his arms. "Did you only just notice I got home?" he asked her.

"Do you have a pet that can teleport, Mr. Magnasen?" the representative asked, dumbfounded.

Eik looked down at the furry, little cutie purring against his chest. "I suppose I do, yeah." He buried his face in her soft, warm belly and took a few, deep inhalations of that amazing smell of cat. Ah, yeah, that's the stuff.

Without further ado, he lobbed her bodily through the door to the living room, but she vanished in the air, leaving behind a handful of tiny motes of purple light before reappearing, already curled up comfortably in Ihasu's lap.

***

"Mr. Magnasen!" the guild master said and stood up from the bench where he had been sitting. His aide—a man who Eik remembered seeing before when he and Chop visited the guild, but whose name hadn't stuck well enough to remember it now—took Ganyak hir Gawak under the pit of the arm and helped him all the way up. "You have no idea how lovely it is to see you in good health."

Eik laughed. "Given my condition, I am pretty much always in good health," he said and clasped hands gently with the guild master. "Unfortunately, it appears that I can't quite say the same about you."

The aide frowned in suppressed anger at that but Ganyak hir Gawak himself burst into a crackling guffaw that was clearly too much for his body to handle, but he just didn't seem to be able to stop himself. "Oh, Mr. Magnasen, please. Must you be so straightforward? Don't you know not to make an old, sick man like me laugh so? It's bad for my health."

"Don't they say laughter and joy is like medicine for the soul? Doesn't it get a bit dry to just hang around here, day in and day out, without being able to get out there and have some fun?"

The frail, old man pursed his lips, tilting his head from side to side in admission. "You're not wrong. The mind has a remarkable ability to influence your body. Some even believe that positive thoughts alone can cure some ailments."

"And you, guild master?" Eik pushed. "What is your own stance on such beliefs?"

"Do you know what, Mr. Magnasen? If I am forced to speak truth on the matter, I believe I must confess that I don't quite know what I think. It is one of those questions one can ask oneself endlessly."

"Oh?" Eik said. "How so?"

"Well, if one day I met a man suffering from an ill of the body, and for whom no potion, no healing, and no other medical intervention seemed to help, I would feel sad, for I would believe his fate to be sealed. If, then, he fell in love and discovered a happiness far greater than any he had experienced before, and suddenly found his ailment improving, as if through a miracle, what should I then believe?"

Eik didn't say anything and simply listened.

"I can see no other reason for his betterment, so how could I explain it to myself to a satisfactory degree? There are mighty people, such as yourself, whose minds can bend reality to their wills and bring great change upon the world. Who can truly say that even the most ordinary of men aren't able to do the same within just themselves if the right conditions are met? What would such a thing look like to me, a witness, if not an instance of the mind curing its body?"

Eik nodded. "So you believe, then?"

The old man held up a hand, a mischievous smile sneaking onto his lips. "But, what, then, if, on another occasion, I meet a different man. He is strong of body and of will, and he is surrounded by friends and family. He is a good man. One day he begins to deteriorate. Something is wrong and nothing seems to help. Just like the first man I met, neither healing nor medicine does anything."

Everybody in the room listened attentively to the guild master as he spoke, his voice and cadence trained well despite clearly having trouble speaking at length.

"But this man is brave and headstrong. He faces this adversity without ever losing faith in himself and his loved ones. Every day he laughs and plays with his children, holds his wife, and enjoys time with his friends. But his illness only worsens. This always powerful man finds himself growing weak, but that weakness teaches him to appreciate that life has great things to show you even at your lowest points. There is always more to learn. In a way, he comes to be thankful for the experience and the new perspective he's learned to see. In fact, he has become an even happier man than before—full of more love than ever."

Ganyak hir Gawak held up both hands, palms up. He raised his right. "The first man was healed, seemingly by his positive thoughts alone," the guild master said and then raised his left hand. "But, alas, the second man, already physically stronger and at least as positive, joyful, and full of love as the first man, was not. In the end his death was not pleasant and it was painful for his family and friends to witness. He was not saved by his positive mind. So what am I to believe, hmm?"

Eik shrugged. "I don't know."

"Well, neither do I. That's why I say one can endlessly ask oneself about belief. There will always be cases that seem to leave little other explanation, while other cases seem to do the opposite. So we can either change our minds at every turn, stubbornly hold onto one side and ignore all evidence of the contrary, or, finally, simply realize that we don't know and probably never will."

"But we do know that it feels good to be happy and to laugh, so that should be the focus then, no?"

With a smile, the old man patted his hand. "I couldn't agree more."

Seeing that philosophical conversation come to an end, Aohan, whom Eik only now got to greet, stepped forward. He, too, clasped arms with the X-ranker. "Thank you for coming, Mr. Magnasen, and sorry for summoning you so rudely and abruptly."

"Don't worry, Aohan," Eik said. "I'll admit that my interest is piqued."

"That's certainly good to hear," the guild alchemist said with relief. "Then, how about we get right to i—"

"Wait a second," Eik suddenly said, finger raised as a thought struck him. He turned back to the guild master. "Getting old sucks, huh?"

Eyebrows rising in astonishment, Ganyak hir Gawak snorted a short laugh while his aide's expression soured. "I don't think there's any denying that."

"If you're up for trying something a little unconventional, I might be able to stave off those pesky years a little."