Chapter 187: Because I Love You
Ethan’s brow furrowed deeper, confusion taking over. "Because you love me?" he repeated, soft and bewildered.
I nodded, wrapping my arms around myself as if that could hold me together.
"Because I love you, I can’t keep pretending everything is fine when it isn’t. I’ve been confused about things I never expected to be confused about. If I stay with you while I sort it all out, I’ll end up hurting you worse than I am right now. I need time to figure out what I want, before I drag you through something unfair."
The words felt clumsy and inadequate, but they got me closer to the truth without naming the shadow that had started following me everywhere—Adrien’s quiet presence, the way my pulse quickened when he looked at me too long. I couldn’t say his name here, not across from Ethan in this booth that smelled of tomato sauce and teenage memories.
Ethan stared at me for what felt like an eternity, sadness settling over his features like dusk falling slow and inevitable. When he finally spoke, his voice barely a whisper. "How long, Noah? How long do you think this break will last?"
My heart cracked at his question, at the gentle, broken way he asked it—like he was bracing himself for an answer he wouldn’t like. I wanted to reach across and take his hand, but I was terrified that if I touched him, I’d lose whatever fragile resolve I had left.
"I don’t know," I admitted, tears spilling over no matter how hard I tried to hold them back. "I’m not sure how long it’ll take to clear my head. But when I do... when I know for sure... I’ll come find you. I promise."
He nodded slowly, the motion small and mechanical, like he was trying to convince himself this was okay. I could see the effort in him to be understanding and patient, not pushing or begging for answers I didn’t have. That kindness only deepened my guilt.
"Okay," he finally said, the word heavy with reluctance. He rubbed a hand over his face, then let it drop to the table. "I’ll wait. However long it takes, I’ll wait. If that’s what you need... then we’ll take a break."
The words sounded like they cost him something vital, but he said them anyway, because that was who Ethan was—the boy who would rather let me go than force me to stay when I was unhappy.