[Can’t Opt Out]

Xavier is my tired little boy—that was what my daddy used to tell me, back when my daddy was still with us. He hasn’t been with us for a long time. He’s been gone even longer than mommy has been gone.

I miss them both. Mōra’sa’s mommies are nice, I guess. They take care of me, well enough—that’s how Cordk’buran puts it, anyways. Cordk’buran is nice. So is Renton’buraf and Izurial’buran.

I have a lot of buras. My gushas are nice too. Cheska would make a nice gushan, I think? I don’t really know if she wants to be a gushan for me, though? Cordk’buran once told me that being a gusha or bura is a big decision, especially with the lives we live.

I… kinda get it, I guess? Izurial’buran says my brain is too big for my body, but the few times I’ve been allowed to look in a mirror, I didn’t think my head looked too big for my body? Maybe he meant it— Ah… there’s a word? I can’t remember it, but it’s a word that means something other than what is actually said. People speak like that all the time, though! Mōra’sa’s mommies are always talking weird. Sometimes they speak in a different language, but Mōra’sa says they don’t know the language of their people well anymore, so they can’t use it to talk about complicated things. So, instead, when they talk about complicated things, they use big words that they think Mōra’sa and I won’t understand!

If I’m being honest, Mōra’sa isn’t as smart as me, though, even though she’s older. I’m not supposed to say that to her, though! It’s not a nice thing to say, even if it’s true. Plus! It isn’t like she’s stupid or anything! I’m just too smart—that’s what almost everyone says, but only ever in whispers.

If Fräthk finds out how smart I am, it will be bad. I don’t see why it matters to hide how smart I am, though? Fräthk will test our genes eventually and figure it out? Unless I’m a mutant!? Maybe, whatever smartness exists inside me isn’t something that the tests can find!?

Those are some thoughts I had a while ago. I don’t really remember when—it's hard to tell time down in the darkness. I guess it’s also dark up here, outside of the building, though?

“Will I get to see the sky one day?” I ask into Olivier’s chest. He’s nice, and warm—and when he smiles down at me, it reminds me a bit of daddy’s smile. Not quite the same. No one’s smile will ever be exactly like daddy or mommy’s, but there’s something in it—a little reminder of daddy.

“Would you like to see the sky?” Olivier asks back. I don’t want him to just be Olivier. Olivier should be Olivier’buran—maybe even Olivier’burat.

That’s an odd thought—a runaway thought. It doesn’t belong, but it feels a little right. Buras are all complicated. Buran like Cordk'buran and Izurial’buran are always trustworthy. They’ll take care of me really well! Renton’buraf won’t not take care of me, but he’s all weird and nervous around kids, which is weird because I’m pretty sure he wants to have babies with Cravena’gushan? He won’t tell her that, of course! Renton’buraf is big and tough, but he’s also sooooo awkward. It makes him fun to watch.

Olivier treats me like a buran should—maybe even better! Maybe that’s why I keep thinking Olivier’burat in my head? He knows how to hold me carefully, and when he talks to me, he has that right tone and uses the right words… maybe. The words are a little harder, cause Izurial’buran says he’s using a computer in his head to translate everything? So, sometimes, his words are weird or all choppy. Cheska and Porsq’ha say Olivier’s accent is weird. They didn’t really explain what an accent is, but I think they mean the way his words are coming out? Sometimes Cheska will correct the way he says things. He’s really bad with vowels and is always getting those wrong. Once, back in the building, he told her that it was because his own language has far fewer vowels. Cheska then started counting Lüshanian vowel sounds. There were a lot. Then, Olivier said Baalphorian has less than half, so neither his ears nor his tongue know how to make half the sounds that are prominent in Lüshanian.

He then made Cheska try to copy some Baalphorian words he gave her, containing two of the vowel sounds that exist in Baalphorian but not Lüshanian. She was very bad at it—so were the rest of the adults who tried! It was so weird to watch them because they weren’t saying the words right and they didn’t even know they were saying them wrong! It was like their ears really couldn’t hear the difference between sounds that were super different!

I could hear the difference and so could Porsq. I think the teenager—we’re not supposed to call them anything until they decide on a name for themself—could hear the differences as well, but they were just pouting in the corner. That’s okay. Pouting is an important part of life! So is finding happiness is the darkness—that one is a saying from Mōra’sa’s mommies. They’ve only ever said it in their other language, but I figured out what it means anyways. They’re not teaching me to speak the language, but sometimes, I can hear them whispering secrets to Mōra’sa. I’m not really supposed to listen, but it’s not my fault they sometimes keep me awake at night!

Sometimes, it’s entirely their fault I can’t sleep! Mōra’sa mommies are nice, but they also don’t really like dealing with me. So, sometimes, they let me have nap time waaaaaay longer than they should. And sometimes! They even let me have two naptimes! Mōra’sa isn’t left to sleep too long—it messes up her big sleep time and then one of them will have to stay up with her—and they definitely don’t let her have two naptimes. They love her, though. She’s their baby. I’m just the child they ended up with because I have no one else. I think if they manage to find us, they’ll take Mōra’sa away with them, but leave me here.

I don’t know what will happen to me after that. Izurial’buran would maybe take me, I guess? He’s so frail, though. We’re going slow right now, but I can still see the shake of his legs and arms. His chest has been bringing in big, big, big gulps of air for a really long time. It’s like he lost his breath and can’t find it anymore! I hope he’ll find it eventually—Cordk’buran as well! I think Cordk’buran would take me as well, but he can’t. Back in the holding cells, he already told me, right after mommy died, that he so totally would have taken me, if he could. Cordk’buran is so old that he couldn’t take me. He raised Renton’buraf, but he doesn’t have it in him to raise another child.

So, Mōra’sa’s mommies ended up with me because there was no one else.

For Mōra’sa’s mommies, I have to be well-behaved. I need to be quiet and not complain when Mōra’sa gets more food than me, even though her mommies give her food that’s meant for me. She’s bigger, they say, so she needs more. I’m not really sure how true that is. Almost everyone else is always saying that I need more food, so I grow big and strong and don’t end up too short or small for my age. It’s been a long time since I saw someone actually my age, and those memories are all blurry. I have a pretty good memory, but things from before I was walking are always a big mess of information. I know I was happy, back then, though! I had mommy and daddy! There was food and warmth and so many snuggles that I didn’t want any more snuggles!

Olivier gives good snuggles. I could snuggle with him for a long time. Maybe, if I’m good, Olivier will take me with him when he leaves?

Right now, all of us are slowly making our way from spot to spot in the big, open courtyard we ended up at. There isn’t much to hide behind, but everyone is moving between what spots there are, hoping that if someone who works for Fräthk comes along, they won’t see us.

I don’t think it will work. I think that if one of Fräthk’s people comes along, they’ll definitely see us. At least we’re trying to be all stealthy, though?

There was a sound up above us, so everyone has stopped for a bit—that’s why Olivier is able to tell me about the sky! I do want to see it, big and blue and open. He’s telling me that sometimes it has lots of other colours as well! Those pretty eyes of his shift around the area, and he points out this and that, telling me that the sky can be this shade or that. It can be pink and red, purple and black. When I ask him what the difference is between the black rock of the city’s sky—which I really don’t like—and the black sky of nighttime above it, Olivier smiles and tells me about little dots of light in the sky, and two big balls of light called moons. All of them shine in the darkness—but sometimes not all at once—and nowhere in the world above is ever truly dark when one is outside.

There’s another big ball of light, he says, lighting up the daytime.

“I’d like to see those,” I tell him, pushing a little further into him.

Olivier isn’t like Mōra’sa’s mommies, who barely want to touch me when I need help in the bathroom. I know I have boy parts, and they don’t, but what if Mōra’sa had been a boy! They would have needed to get used to boy parts then!

Olivier just seems so happy to hold me to him, though. He keeps putting little kisses on my forehead—Porsq’ha’s too—and I’m not even sure he’s noticed himself doing it!

Izurial’buran sat me down once, all serious and frowny. He looks much better when he smiles—not the fake smile he gives Fräthk or his people, but the real one he gets when he’s happy. It isn’t a smile he has on a lot, but he’s had it on a lot today! The magic of a little glimmer of hope—that’s what Porsq’ha called it, his own smiles happy and free too, the little bit of cruelty he sometimes has when he smiles nowhere to be found.

Even if we all die, I like that everyone got to have a few big smiles before dying! Well, not Renton’buraf, because he never smiles, and not the lady who got my mommy killed. I don’t know if she ever smiles, but her frown isn’t like Izurial’s either. The lady’s frown is just sad.

When Izurial’buran frowns, it's very serious. It’s the sort of frown you can’t do anything for—you just have to listen. Listening to Izurial’buran when he frowns is hard because it's always so serious. I don’t think he wanted to tell me what sort of things Fräthk makes him do, but it was important that I know, so I could try to keep myself safe.

A lot of terrible people work for Fräthk, and Izurial’buran wanted to make sure I knew that adults could be bad. I already knew that, of course! The lady who got mommy killed isn’t a good person, and Mōra’sa’s mommies aren’t terrible, but they aren’t good either. I don’t think any of them are as bad as the people who have hurt Izurial’buran—who might try and hurt me as well, especially if I let them try and befriend me. Izurial’buran was very clear that bad people might try to be my friend, so I’ll let them do bad things to me—that’s what happened to Porsq’ha. It’s not Porsq’ha’s fault for befriending the wrong person or anything! Izurial’buran was very, very clear that we don’t blame people for accidentally putting themself in a position where they can be hurt, but we can still learn from the things they did, then given them big, big hugs because they’ve been hurt and need all the hugs.

I don’t think Olivier will hurt me, even though he’s doing some of the things Izurial’buran warned me about. He feels nice and safe, and yeah! Izurial’buran warned me that some people are really good at faking being a good person, but I don’t think Olivier is faking it.

He’s just nice.

Plus! Everyone else I trust is okay with him holding me! And Izurial’buran has definitely seen him kiss my forehead!

So, no, Olivier is nice and safe and gives good snuggles and might take me to see the sky! Maybe, if I’m lucky, he’ll end up becoming my burat as well, although, when I asked him if he had any brothers or sisters, he only said he has a very irresponsible younger brother. Burans and burafs are just men who are close to a child, but burat are related to the child’s mommy or daddy. I know no one can replace my mommy or daddy, but it might be nice to have another set to love me like Cordk’buran says I deserve to be?

If Olivier only has an irresponsible younger brother, I guess he won’t become my Olivier’burat, even if a get this little tingle of something in my tummy when I think of him like that.

Maybe he forgot about another sibling? Porsq’ha does that sometimes, even thought he has a lot of siblings. It’s been so long since he saw his siblings, is all.

Yeah. Olivier maybe just forgot about another sibling because the situation is hard and he’s tired! If that’s the case, then the feeling in my tummy that Olivier will become my Olivier’burat might not be wrong!

That would be nice—almost as nice as being able to see the sky.