Chapter 114: Does She Hate It?
It is approaching our 13th birthday.
According to Esme's calculations, her Approval should be complete about 2-6 months after we turn 14. So between February and June.
At this point, almost everything was prepared for our escape from the Domain of Light. The Canary's completion was progressing at full force, and Nemora was in the midst of preparing our supplies.
Lily and Hilda are also prepared to leave at any moment.
Of course, while Hilda understood what was going to happen, Liliy only knew that we were leaving.
Not how, when, or where to.
But she, too, was ready.
But I am concerned over how Lily, someone who had yet to step into the Heirarchy, could survive in the Sunless Skies, but Esme reassured me. That on its own is good enough for me; if Esme says it's fine, then it's fine.
I trust her.
...But do you know who else I trust?
Not through my heart, but through the basis that her plans happen to collide with the one who aimed to shatter my relationships in the past?
Who, to this day, is still churning through me with the bud of madness?
"Mother, it is a splendid day today." Monotonously speaking through the tight embrace of Hilda, I stared at my mother.
At the lady who birthed me in this wretched life of mine.
"Indeed, my sweet Alora. It is made even better through this morning breakfast. Having you as company has brightened my day!" Her words rang with null but truth.
She didn't lie, not even for a second.
She believed in the truth of her own words.
But that was to be expected, "I'm glad you feel the same, mother."
Mother smiled languidly, rested her chin on an open palm, and leaned forward, "Oh...? You didn't lie just now, my sweet Alora. You've gotten quite accustomed to lying at some point, even though lying should be followed by a suitable punishment... But, fortunately, those days are long over!"
Releasing her hand from her chin, she clapped enthusiastically, "You don't need anything else from me, so there's nothing more to worry about."
"...Actually-" I took a deep breath to clear the creeping memories of punishment away, "-there's something I want to ask you, mother."
"What is it, sweetie?"
"When we leave, is there anything we should watch out for that is different from in the Domain of Light?"
"As a matter of fact, sweetie, yes, there is." Tapping the table, "There's just one thing to watch out for that will be different, the Domain's Artefacts. Things like that pale-beiged bird's wheelchair, or the red bird's communication tablet... They will cease to work."
...Oh no.
Hilda's arms tensed and curled deeper into my waist.
"What can we do about it?"
Mother chuckled, waved her hand, and said, "Nothing. You can't, and will, do nothing about it. You'll have to be satisfied with campfires, classic wheelchairs, and more. Get used to it~"
Many worries flickered through my brain, but mother gave me no time to process this truth properly.
"Anyways! Let's get to eating, the food may get cold otherwise."
"We have a lot more to chat about~"
-----
"What did you just say, you bitch?"
"Language."
"I said what I said, there are no mistakes there."
Vanessa, Jill, and Nemora spoke one by one in order.
"The fuck you mean no Artefacts! How in the fucking bullshit is Yulei going to get around in that damned Sunless Skies then?!"
Nemora raggedly squeezed her forehead with narrowed eyes, "I don't know. If anything, you're most suited to taking care of her anyway. It's not like we have much of a choice anymore; anything powered with Blessings and Curses and created in this Domain will no longer function."
"Anything else?" Jill asked.
"Not that I know of, Hilda only passed along that information. For all we know, more might be missing. Other crucial information that could be detrimental to the journey, but..."
"But we have no fucking way of figuring it out, is that the shit you're about to tell me?"
"...yes, that's exactly what I was about to tell you."
Suddenly, a voice rushed from the distance; it echoed gratingly into their ears:
"Oyy!!! I can hear that idiot's voice from all the way over here! Either help Jill the stiffy out or get out already!"
Jill cleared his throat and stared at the two girls from the corner of his eye, "...He has a point."
Vanessa predictably clicked her teeth while Nemora agreed with Elden's comment, "Fine, let's help out for now. You've been doing all the hard work on your lonesome; this is the least we can do."
"Fuck off." And so Vanessa said, but she joined in on the effort nonetheless.
But, right then, Jill shrugged his shoulders, "You've done plenty, Nemora." He kept his words short, but the implication of them struck Vanessa's ears.
And, as expected, the veins in the girl's head squirmed with wrath, "...The fuck did you say?!"
"You heard me."
...And, also as expected, Vanessa lashed out instantly at his offhanded comments.
Many kicks and punches were thrown one-sidedly that day.
-----
I don't know how to properly convey my existence as a Perfect Cursed Doll to Esme without severely hurting her.
After putting a lot of thought into the intricate details that had been laid out in front of Esme's eyes for years, I could only imagine how hurt she'd be once I pass the truth to her. Of course, I'm sure she's figured out plenty already, but-
A part of her is likely in denial.
-and it's to be expected.
Esme is very young, and she's been forced into this play of monsters from the moment she was born.
Stupidly believing that she'd be okay would be pathetic on my end.
...Wait.
"..."
I had to pause for a moment and think through what had just gone through my brain just now.
"..."
Something was off.
"..."
Let me go through it again.
I know Esme is hurting.
I know Esme has figured it out already.
And I know that Esme is in denial.
...Huh?
What's off?
Something was horrendously wrong.
One part of it, something, somewhere, was twisted.
My Authority stated it so.
...Wait.
It clicked.
...Why?
I recognised the error.
...How come I believed that Esme is in denial?
That made no sense.
Esme was the most straightforward person I knew; for her to be in denial would go against her character as a person.
So why did I believe that she was in denial?
Why did I so casually trust that 'truth'?
She's indeed very young, and this will severely hurt her; it already has, but denial?
Not my Esme.
My Esme wouldn't be in denial.
She'd be angry.
Wrathful.
Esme would burn the world down to fix what's broken.
That's the Esme I know.
"Little dummy?"
"Quiet for a moment."
"Hmph."
Ignoring the fingers pinching my waist, I thought it through again; why did I genuinely believe that she would be in denial? Where did these misleading, incorrect thoughts come from? These incorrect assumptions that I conjured from thin air-
From thin air?
No.
It wasn't from thin air.
There was something inside of me that could twist me; something that could make me someone else.
The Seed of Madness.
As I called it, the budding flower that had been planted in me by the madness; it can manipulate me. And not just it, it's also possible that the Curses filling my body are influencing my brain-
191,095,893
butimalreadyinsane
imalreadyabrokenlittlething
ivelongbeenthinkingimproperly
thatsnothingknew
this
thishoweverisnew
there'snouniversewhereiwouldbelievethatEsmewouldbeindenial
191,097,011
-my brain is completely fine.
It must be to do with the Seed of Madness.
"Oh! By the way, little dummy, will you be fine when Ascending to the Third Step? I can't tell you much about it because it's completely different for each person; if I try to help you, it might hurt you instead."
"Hm? Oh, yes, I'll be fine."
Mostly.
"Good!"
I think.
The fingers pinching my waist loosened, then smoothly switched the way I was lying on Hilda into the form of a princess carry, "Come on now then, little dummy, we have to go wash up! It's bedtime."
Having become accustomed to getting carried, and also having gotten used to being bathed by Hilda-
Oh, and I do have to mention, Hilda doesn't have any inappropriate thoughts towards me while bathing me. She fulfils her duty as my Sword Maid perfectly during those dignity-destroying moments.
...Which is actually quite surprising considering her personality.
I'd have expected, ahem, more, from her.
-----
Tap. Tap. Tap.
Her knees rattled repeatedly with agitated movements.
Tap! Tap! Tap!
The boots slamming into the ground indented the wood with singed textures.
Crush!
Then, they pierced through and into the foundation of her bedroom. Pausing for a millisecond, she brushed her swaying, long strands of snow-white hair aside and sighed.
"It's wrong."
Esme didn't know what it was.
"But it's wrong."
But Esme understood that it came from inside of her.
"It's not normal."
This emotion, this feeling, was unfamiliar to her.
"It shouldn't be happening."
Every inch, every grain, of her body screamed at her that it was inherently long to hold these emotions.
She had no idea what this emotion was, though. Throughout her short but rather eventful life, she hadn't come across this feeling in her chest a single time. Esme had felt something similar to it when she looked at her friends and the people she cared for, but this-
And the fact that it only flushed through her when the image of her dear sister flashed through her mind-
"It's wrong."
-Esme clutched her chest tightly, "What are these hot feelings? Why? Why is it like this?" A misty veil shrouded her vision, and her emotions began to be riled up with confusion and helplessness.
"What are they?"
She didn't like it.
Not in the slightest.
But as the days passed.
As she came to realise that these feelings that had begun to spring up in her garden of vibrant, plentiful emotions...
As Esme came to a certain understanding...
She realised it.
The fact that they weren't going anywhere.
These emotions clung to her, and they weren't willing to peel off.
"...I hate it."