Chapter 68: A Futile Thought
I'm not in a decent state.
My body is in tatters, and every circulation of Curses is pulling me deeper into the never-ending spiral of breaking and reconnecting.
Especially after that punishment, I'm in no position to be performing any physical activity.
Yes.
Physical activity.
...Bathing doesn't count as a physical activity!
I can do it on my own!
Alas, this body is useless. Without the aid of Curses, it's too weak to fight back, and I can't damage myself any more than this for the sake of bathing on my own...
Yes, it's fine to have Hilda bathe me...
"..."
Damn it.
It's not fine!
Unfortunately-
"Okay, lift your right arm carefully, little dummy..."
Nng...
The noise of my shirt rustling echoed well in the bathroom as Hilda peeled my right sleeve off.
"Now the left arm."
Repeating the action with my left arm, I momentarily looked like an armless little freak with the sleeves hanging freely by my side.
"Close your eyes."
Shutting my eyes, I felt Hilda's fingers gently wrap around my head; she was tucking my hair into the shirt. Every move was tender, ensuring I felt no pain.
Then, Hilda gave me a warning, "I'm taking it off." And pulled the sweaty, crimson-stained frilly shirt over my head, releasing me from the constraints.
My pale, frail body was bare for Hilda's eyes.
This disgusting little thing-
Touch.
A warm fingertip touched my cold collarbone, "Hey... Little dummy..." Hilda sighed before me with worry and care oozing from her ruby-red eyes.
"You should eat more."
The sound of flowing water echoed from the nearby bathtub; it was noisy in the room; the echoes of the bastards, the flowing water, and the sound of my beating heart.
Even the flow of Curses rumbled incessantly in the depths of my ears.
Yet, Hilda's words were clearer than all else.
Her voice overcame every other source of noise, vibrating daintily on my eardrums.
Care.
She cared for me.
Truly, with no lies, no other thoughts lingering in the back of her mind, no plan and no calculation.
No mind games.
Just simple, real care.
Moving her palm over to my cold back, she supported me and lifted my waist as I removed the final pieces of clothing.
"..."
I was nude.
Hilda could see everything about this creature.
Yet, she did not comment.
All I received was a simple, tender gaze. She wrapped her arms around me with soft strength and slowly planted me into the bath, releasing me with care and precision into the mild water.
"Does it feel good?" Moving the golden strands of hair over my ear, Hilda tickled the back of my head with a cheeky smile.
"Mhm."
It felt good.
Really good.
Her care.
A Human's care, a Human's warmth; a Human's love...
It felt so good.
Hilda picked up my sponge, dunked it into the water and promptly lathered it with body wash. As she said, she was going to wash me.
...Is it embarrassing?
Yes.
But...
"..."
A tinge of red flushed my cheeks.
B, but I like it.
It felt nice to finally receive some care.
Over the next few minutes, I handed all control over to Hilda as she scrubbed my body. I washed the soap off, but the majority of the cleaning could be attributed to her.
...By the end, my body was floating to heaven.
That was great.
I felt great.
If only this feeling could last forever.
-----
"AHHH-!!!"
The room was almost pitch-black, other than faint streams of light filtering through the curtains.
It was dark, grim.
Truly, and utterly, dark.
The darkness of a world abandoned by the Empyreans; the darkness of the Sunless Skies.
And I-
My brain exploded.
My chest heaved for air; my heart screamed with maddening terror, and sweat stuck to every inch of my skin.
I heard it.
I heard them.
The something.
The horrors.
The true horrors.
I heard them again.
The nightmares.
Not the voices of the bastards, but the voices.
Clutching my chest, my nose was burned from the droplets of blood oozing from the burst blood vessels. My lips were ripped and chapped from a night of nightmares.
What was that?
What is that?
"What the hell!" My voice screeched with terror.
Reprieve?
Relaxation?
Care?
Fun?
Hahahaha!!!
I'm crazy!
I must have been crazy!
I'm still crazy!
My fingers pulled the hair from my scalp whilst my face twisted with demented despair.
The light?
The white haze?
So what?
Flamm's?
The Canaries?
So what?!
Drool slipped from my mouth, slathering my chin and splattering onto my clothing. The bedsheets around me were torn and stained with Curses; they dripped with dried, dark, Cursed blood, my blood.
It means nothing!
The voices deem it so!
All is cute in the face of the voices!
"Hahahaha!!!"
I spat out twisted laughter, my face bore no resemblance to the girl whom Hilda had cared for the previous evening. Lowering my shivering hands, I stared at them emptily with mocking laughter echoing hollowly from my throat.
My laughter slowly fizzled away.
My empty gaze slowly stiffened.
And, by the end, only a silent, dead creature remained.
Its lips parted.
And.
A fact was spat from its lips.
A fact that it understood.
A fact that had been forcefully ingrained into its brain.
A truth that had been imparted to it by the voices.
"We must leave."
Escape.
Run away.
Not from the palace grounds.
Not from Luminary City.
But from the Domain of Light.
From this damned Crucible.
...Click.
The creature knocked itself out, sending itself back to sleep. Otherwise, its brain would melt till nought but a vegetable remained.
-----
I quietly stared at the reflection in the bathroom mirror.
The creature stared back at me with dim white eyes, and the urge to shatter the mirror had faded slightly. It was starting to feel like there was no point in shattering the thing.
Nevermind.
I picked up the silver-white mask and secured it onto my face. It was another morning, a new day, and I had no idea what was in store for me.
I wasn't wearing it for Hilda's sake, but for everyone else's.
Sighing, I tossed the towel aside, secured my crutches, and hopped over and out of the unlocked door-
Thus.
I was met with waves of chestnut;
I was met by a pair of glittering, oceanic-blue eyes.
"Good morning, my sweet Alora."
"...Good morning, mother."
She towered over me whilst Hilda stood nervously by her side, her fingers fidgeting as she cast anxious glances in my direction.
"It's been a while since the last time we've had a lovely breakfast on the terrace, so, shall we?" While mother seemed to be asking for my permission, there was only one response that she was going to receive.
"Yes, mother." A familiar, robotic, mechanical voice slipped out of my throat.
-----
Utensils tapped quietly against the plates as my mother and I gradually consumed the food. Under Hilda's scrutinising gaze and mother's perpetual smile, I was once again forced to eat some of the green vegetables.
I still can't handle peas.
It's frustrating in its own manner, knowing that you used to be able to consume them in the past, but now you can't handle the smell of them.
The feeling is awkward, creating a sense of dissociation from reality.
It's almost as though this body isn't mine during those moments, but it is instead merely a vessel that I am temporarily occupying.
I feel like an outsider in these moments.
However, the truth is that I am an outsider.
I'm not from this world.
"My sweet Alora, how was it yesterday?" Mother set her utensils down as she questioned me.
"Alright, it could have been worse."
Raising her fingers, she habitually tapped her chin with cold, slender fingers, "Does that mean you deserve it again? Round two?"
"..."
The blood drained from my face, leaving my already pale face as white as a sheet of paper. My hold on the utensils tightened, whilst veins squirmed and rose to the surface of my skin all across my hands.
I stopped wearing gloves already; they're useless.
Nevertheless, the time to answer that question had arrived.
And, naturally:
"Yes, mother. I deserve it."
I could only emptily state the truth, the facts;
94,014,122Ideserveitonceagain94,015,431
With that conversation complete, the remainder of the breakfast proceeded as usual. At the end, mother gave me a curious smile and exited the premises.
...It's happening again today.
Silently seated on my small chair, I raised my head to the sky; I gazed contemplatively at the aurora rising from the corner of my vision and at the well-lacquered blue skies.
I wonder what it'll be this time.
"..."
Pushing my fingers beneath the mask, I unlatched it and placed it on the table beside me. I had to get some fresh air on my skin, otherwise I felt like I was about to suffocate in a grimy quagmire of thoughts.
Taking multiple deep breaths, I wearily rubbed my face.
Creak...
A screeching noise came from my left. Hilda had dragged a chair beside me and sat down, her questioning, worried eyes clung tightly to my face.
She probably had many questions.
Alas, I was not going to answer any of them.
Sorry.
"Hey, little dummy." Her whispery voice slithered into my ear.
I tried to shut her down, "I won't tell-"
Smush.
Hilda laid her palm over my mouth, "I'm going to stay by your side even when it gets bad, okay? So, don't worry."
Mature words came from Hilda's mouth, but it wasn't what I had expected. I had expected questions, confusion, and that hyperactive curiosity.
Instead, I received the mature Hilda this time around.
Comfort arose in my chest, warming my stiff heart.
"...Okay."
Hilda smiled brightly at my response, "Good!"