Chapter 61: I’m Worthless
"Waaaaa!!!!"
A heart-rending cry burst from Philip's throat, shattering the room's silence as he ran to the bed-
Thud.
-and threw himself into his sister, Finnie's, chest.
Her arms slowly, falteringly, wrapped around Philip, pulling him deep into her warm chest. Her pupils sighed with sorrow as she connected the dots with little to no effort.
Senuela wasn't around, and strangers had brought him here...
"You can cry as much as you want."
The scene reminded the three girls of the scene from downstairs just a few minutes ago; all but me, that is.
I didn't see a heartwarming picture.
I didn't feel a sorrowful mood.
Instead, in my eyes, only white remained.
A white crown fed the boy in her arms with the white fog.
What is she doing?
No.
What even is she?
How can she control this white haze?
She can also see it, can't she?
A bright, white crown adorned with white gems sat upon Finnie's head. And this white crown fed Leon; she, Finnie, fed Leon.
Then.
Her glance shifted.
Those eyes turned towards me.
Silently.
Contemplatively.
She stared for a moment, then she took action.
The white crown moved.
It drifted from her head and floated in mid-air at a point between Finnie and I. Inevitably, my gaze followed the white crown.
And then, she understood that I, too, could see it.
She smiled at me.
Her eyes were spewing with deafening horror, oozing with images of madness and temptation.
Thus.
She mouthed.
Almost alluringly.
Perhaps seductively.
'Canary.'
...My heart skipped a beat.
The voices went silent.
And, at that moment, I too understood what she was.
A Canary.
The Canary I've been looking for.
It was this mad woman all along.
She's crazy.
I could inherently feel that notion in her eyes.
Because we are the same.
Puppets strung along in this mad Domain of Light, in this damned Luminary City; in this world, broken and abandoned, just like the rest of the poor souls left to grieve in this Dark World abandoned by the Empyreans.
And, because we were the same, I felt fear.
An underlying fear that what I was looking at was the future me.
I balled my fists, bit down on my gums till they bled, and pushed past these irrational fears.
I had to ask this lady questions, I had to get answers out of her-
But how?
Esme is right here.
If I start questioning what the white haze is, what the Mistress and the personification of madness are planning; if I leak any of this information-
Esme's gaze will crush me.
"Come on, let's go." Esme's hand patted my arm, and the other two had already left the room and were waiting outside for us.
There was no reason for us to stay.
I, however, have a reason.
I have to stay.
I have to ask.
...But what do I say?
What can I say without revealing anything to Esme?
Without leaking the truth of my existence to her?
Without arousing her curiosity, which could also be a pathway to the truth?
How?
...
Do I have to?
I stared at the hovering white crown.
Then, I stared beyond, into the eyes of the madwoman.
She was right there.
The answers are right there.
I just have to reach out and take the crown, I just have to open my mouth and reveal some crucial secrets.
Do I tell Esme to leave the room?
Can I?
Without arousing her suspicion, can I?
...I can't.
I came here under the notion of learning more about Flamm's; there is no reason for me to stick around with Finnie and Philip.
A risk.
I have to take a risk.
A risk that, potentially, could lead to Esme's gaze shifting into a terrifying one-
Idon'twantthat.
Notthat.
Neverthat.
So.
Pathetically.
In a cowardly fashion.
I turned away from the source of all answers.
"Okay, let's go." I took Esme's hand and walked to the door.
My heart was pounding.
Regret was already steaming up my throat, clogging my breathing rhythm. Yet I would rather that than experience Esme's gaze being directed at me.
93,395,814I'mworthless93,451,120
Thus.
I stepped out of the room alongside Esme.
Creak...
The door behind me began to close, and the white haze within seemed to be separated by a boundary, incapable of leaving.
Then.
Just as the door closed-
"The South-Western boundary of the Domain of Light. There, you will find them."
-her voice echoed in my ears, ringing like the bells of salvation.
Thank you.
Thud!
-----
The day's visit was far from over, but it mainly consisted of talking with professionals and greeting relatively healthy victims of Flamm's to learn more about the disease.
That was the official purpose of my visit after all.
Nevertheless, I was not in the mood to pay attention to these things.
Hilda spent the majority of the time napping on my shoulder while Lily and Esme ended up being the most involved with the professionals.
I, on the other hand, was too preoccupied with my thoughts.
Because I can still go back to Finnie today.
Today would be my last opportunity before the inevitable arrives tomorrow, and, by then, I'll be confined for many years.
And Finnie would be dead at the end of it.
However.
It would be suspicious.
Esme may question my intentions, she may prod at me, she may uncover portions of the truth-
And that can't happen.
Never.
I will never let it happen like this
So, instead, I occupied myself with the revelations.
The white haze, the truth of it, and the South-Western border of the Domain of Light.
I can find the Canaries there.
There's more than one person who can be called a 'Canary'. It may be a group or a collective similar to Finnie, people who are victims of Flamm's and are in control of the white haze.
However, there is still a lot of missing information.
For example:
How can Finnie control the white haze?
What exactly are the Canaries?
And where does the vast volume of white haze encapsulating the palace grounds and Luminary City come from?
For the third question, you could assume that it has been collecting from all the victims over the hundreds of years-
But I doubt it.
You'd need hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of victims to reach that vast volume of white haze. If the Domain of Lights' history spans thousands of years, then it would be believable-
But it doesn't.
The Domain of Lights' history spans less than a thousand.
If, every year, there are 500 victims, there'd only be 500,000 victims in the span of a thousand years. And not all victims would leak the same volume of white haze. Yulei, for example, has yet to leak any.
The other myriad of victims I've met have also yet to leak any; only Leon, who was dying, and Finnie, a Canary with control over the white haze, have leaked the white haze.
Unless only those dying leak the white haze, but in that case, I've also come across a couple of them being wheeled around for some fresh air, victims who are on the precipice of death.
And, they, too, do not leak the white haze.
So, what is the secret behind it?
"..."
Fuck.
Finnie was right there, just a few floors above, all I'd have to do is-
But Esme.
Make some excuses, even if she suspects-
But Esme.
Don't be a cow-
But Esme.
Ican't.
NotwhenEsmeisrighthere.
I chucled wryly.
Finnie had seen right through my pathetic self; if she hadn't, she wouldn't have given me that clue.
"Hey, hey, little dummy-" Whispers abruptly entered my ears, tickling me as I flinched. "Are you feeling okay?"
Leaning away from Hilda, I rubbed my ticklish ears and glanced in her direction. Her ruby-red eyes sat centimetres away, staring straight into my soul.
"Mhm." I couldn't muster the courage to say the word 'Yes'.
That felt like too much of a lie to blurt at the moment.
"Lady Alora, would you like to return?" Lily, as perceptive as always, had long noticed this shift in my demeanour; not to mention Esme, she's been staring at me for a while.
"..."
Do I want to return?
Do I want to throw away this final opportunity?
I looked toward Esme, and there, I found her golden eyes returning the glance.
"Okay. Let's go back."
...I couldn't do it.
"Ye-!"
Thud.
Lily's hammer of justice slammed into Hilda's head before she could complete her celebration.
"That is rude."
"...Ugh."
"Got it?"
"...I am a cabbage."
"Good!"
Regardless of the girls' antics, it didn't help ease my tense, furrowed brows in the slightest.
At least I wear a mask at all times, which helps hide most of my facial expressions, but Hilda, Lily and Esme are too perceptive. Just my eyes and body language are enough to expose me.
If I tried to meet Finnie-
It wouldn't be long before Esme dug up my secrets.
Oh well.
So be it.
I've let the opportunity slip.
The best I can do is not regret it.
-----
It was dark out.
Bathing in the gentle breeze of thick, white fog, Finnie playfully twirled the crown between her fingers.
And.
At that moment, oddly enough, the sound of singing canaries could be heard echoing throughout her room.
"A white-crowned princess of hope." Muttering to herself, she moved her gaze to the empty outside world.
Breathing in a mouthful of white fog, she watched a hair drift off her scalp, disintegrating to null moments later.
"...What hope?"
Scoffing, she squeezed the crown between her fingers.
Her fingers turned white from the pressure, groaning and churning.
"...What crown?"
Drip.
White tears poured from her eyelids, staining the bedsheets.
"This is the culmination of all the fallen birds having flapped their wings, yet breaking apart with futility at the end of it all. That's all it is."
She took a deep breath.
"It's a gravestone, not a crown." Her eyes ran across the engravings and the three obvious pieces sticking out of it.
She released a faint smirk.
"How fitting, a gravestone adorned with three upside-down crosses."