Chapter 169 – ???’s Diary (1)
12th Day of the Cedar Sun, Year 331.
Hello Diary, Mom said I should write in you every day so I don’t forget things.
I don’t really know what to write yet.
The paper smells funny.
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Today it rained a lot. The garden got all muddy, and my shoes got stuck.
But that’s okay. The flowers got a lot to drink.
I drew a flower at the end of the page, but it looks like a cloud.
I’ll draw better tomorrow.
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Mom looked tired today.
I tried to cheer her up with a flower, but she didn’t smile.
I hope Mom is okay. Her belly is very round…
I asked if she ate too much, but she said I was silly.
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I got a little sister today!
She’s so cute. I asked Mom to let me hold her, and my sister smiled at me.
Her hand is so small.
I love her so much!
I told her I’ll be the best big sister in the world.
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A child’s rambling on thin paper, recorded because a mother had told her it was good to write.
There wasn’t much structure to it.
Just small feelings, small observations.
Rainy days.
Muddy shoes.
The taste of jam.
Being scolded for climbing trees in a dress.
Soren’s heart relaxed as he read.
He wasn’t sure how long he spent flipping through those early years.
The entries were frequent at first, then sometimes skipped a few days or weeks when she “forgot.”
Then, finally, something of note appeared.
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Apparently, I have a brother.
Mom gathered the family today, and we had a meeting about it.
She told us all that she was adopting a boy.
When I asked why, she wouldn’t answer.
I wonder what he’s like.
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I met my brother today.
I’m not sure how I feel.
He looks nothing like me, or like any of my family.
His hair is strange, and his eyes are strange.
He also acts weird. The whole time I was with him, he was smiling.
Even when Mom talked to him with a scary face, he smiled.
Why did Mom adopt him?
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Today I asked Mom again why she adopted him, but she kicked me out of her study.
She said I was being rude.
I don’t get it. How is it rude to ask?
When I was walking back to my room, I saw him again.
He was sitting in the garden, looking at the flowers with a sad expression.
It was the first time I had seen him with anything other than a smile.
I ended up talking to him, but, for some reason, he smiled the moment he saw me.
Seriously, what is wrong with him?
I asked if he likes flowers.
He said he doesn’t know yet, but they’re pretty.
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I saw him crying today.
I was out for a walk at night because I felt restless, and I saw him.
He was in the garden again. He spends every day there.
He was hugging his knees and hiding his face.
I almost walked past him.
But I didn’t.
I ended up sitting down next to him, though I still don’t know why.
Although Mom adopted him and said he was apparently my brother, he still didn’t feel like family…
But anyway, when I asked him what was wrong, he just smiled at me and said nothing.
He’s so weird.
I told him he can cry if he wants.
He just shook his head.
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I’ve started spending more time with him lately.
Whenever there was no one around, he would cry, and I didn’t like that, so I started dragging him around with me.
I thought he might be annoyed with me, but for some reason, he just smiled, like he was happy.
Seriously, he’s so weird.
Still, though… he’s a bit cute.
He follows me everywhere when I tell him to.
I like that.
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Soren’s chest felt strangely warm.
He turned more pages.
“So this is what she used to be like,” the words slipped out without thought.
For a moment, Soren’s smile faltered as he realised what was happening, but he didn’t close the diary; instead, he just exhaled and continued.
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I found my sister laughing at him earlier…
It was weird. Why would my sweet little sister do that?
I didn’t understand, so I asked her, but she said that she didn’t do anything.
She smiled at me, but her eyes looked wrong.
I knew she was lying, but I let her go anyway.
I should spend more time with him.
If I’m there, she won’t do anything.
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It happened again.
I caught my sister laughing at him again.
I also saw what happened beforehand. She had tripped him while he was carrying a tray.
He fell and dropped everything.
Why would she do that?
She used to be so cute and sweet.
I remember her giving me flowers for my birthday with a big smile, calling me the best sister ever…
Why?
Why did she change?
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Even Mom is being strange now.
At first, she didn’t pay him much attention, but ever since he said that he wanted to learn, she has changed.
Mom wasn’t even this strict with me, so why?
She makes him read until his eyes hurt.
She makes him stand with weights in his hands.
She never praises him, even when he gets answers right or does well.
When he makes a mistake, she looks at him like he’s dirt.
It makes my stomach hurt.
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I confronted Mom today.
I asked why she was being so strict with him and why she kept letting my little sister act like that.
Mom just said that she was trying to help him, that it would let him grow faster.
Is that true?
Mom was always so kind to me. I don’t get it.
I told her he’s still a child.
She said I was being sentimental.
I left before I started shouting.
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It was my little brother’s birthday today.
When I asked what he wanted for his birthday, he told me that he wanted me to call him “Little Brother.”
He’s cute. His face was red when I asked.
I almost laughed, but I was able to hold it in.
I’m glad I could do something for him.
I called him “Little Brother” all day.
He smiled so much his cheeks probably hurt.
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It was around this point in the diary that the tone began to shift.
The words on the page softened whenever she mentioned her brother, whereas when the rest of her family was mentioned, the tone grew cold.
He flipped ahead a bit more.
Years turned on the page.
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It was my little brother’s sixth birthday today.
Mother didn’t give him a gift again.
Why is she always like this?
Can’t she see that he is trying his best?
Same with Alice.
She used to be such a sweet sister, but now I hardly even recognise her.
The way she mocks him, the way she tells him that he will never be a real member of the family, it’s too much.
At this rate, he’ll notice.
I have to be there for him when he does.
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It finally happened.
I went to Ren’s room, and he asked me if it was okay for him to be here.
I almost cried.
Why does he have to deal with this? He’s just a kid.
He asked me if I think he belongs in this house.
I told him of course he does.
I don’t care what anyone says.
He is my little brother.
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This year, Mother has decided to start my heir's education in full.
I have to wake up at dawn, exercise and train, then study until evening.
Sword training, etiquette, politics, history, and magic.
It’s exhausting.
But something feels off.
I might be overthinking, but it feels as if Mother is trying to separate me and Ren.
Whenever we’re together, she calls me away.
Whenever I ask to bring him to lessons, she refuses.
She says he’s not ready.
She says I should focus on my duties.
Ren never complains.
That makes it worse.
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Soren could feel it even through the paper.
The lines grew heavier.
The gaps between entries grew wider.
The year that Soren turned nine was the year that Freya’s love for her family vanished, and it was clear through her writing.
Her affection stayed, but it narrowed, focused, away from “family” as a whole, and onto one person only.
He turned to the next marked date.
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I’m tired.
I’m so sick of this place.
Why did everyone end up like this?
What was the point of adopting Ren if she was just going to treat him like this?
Why did she never chastise Alice for bullying Ren?
Why did none of the servants ever get punished for speaking badly of Ren? He’s a noble, too?
Why was he never allowed to leave the estate, like he was some sort of secret that had to be kept?
This place is a mess. It can’t be fixed.
I’ll get stronger.
Then I can fix this.
I don’t know how yet.
But I have to.
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I met with Ren after training today, for the first time in a while.
His eyes looked empty, like he had given up on everything.
What kind of look is that for a child of his age to have? He’s only ten.
He told me he was okay, he smiled, he even laughed, but that was all fake.
His lifeless eyes didn’t match his expression.
To be honest, it was creepy.
But it’s not his fault, it’s this damn family’s.
I wanted to hug him, but I didn’t.
I was afraid I’d start crying.
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I don’t know what to do.
Today, Mother called me to her study and told me she was enrolling me at Stellaris Academy.
It was something I had expected, but now that it’s here, I don’t know how to feel.
Should I really go?
If I go, Ren will be alone.
If I stay, I’ll never get strong enough to fix anything.
Whatever the case, I can’t tell Ren yet. I don’t know how he’ll react.
He’ll probably smile and say it’s fine.
That would hurt worse.
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I was stupid.
I should have told him.
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