Walking Disasters and Me

I gulp nervously in Akiko's chilly, iron clad grip, sweat beginning to form on my brow as I shakily reply back to her question, "U-uh... It only felt like a few thousand feet. Maybe 5k total? Oops?"

Her violet eyes fix me with an indescribable look before she sighs and sets me back to the wooden floor of the hallway. Her tone an odd mix of exasperation and unsurprised acceptance. "Yes. 'Oops'. I suppose it is fortunate that I have already disseminated the fact of your existence to the majority of those who need to know, but now our plans to reveal you to the Village at large will need to be accelerated..."

My lips curl downwards a touch as I reply back with a noticeable apologetic twinge, "S-sorry. I didn't think it'd be so... exposing. I really was just trying to see if I could do it on my own since it didn't seem so dangerous."

Soft, fluffy tails coil around me as Akiko presses me into a comforting embrace, my face resting against her neck as she says back, "It is well, my love. While I wish you would have waited and expressed your desire to learn such a thing with me or spirit Ios, I understand the drive to achieve success on your own merits. To wish to do so is a way of life for every cultivator, one that I am equally glad to see you continue to possess."

She pulls us back to arm's length, her amethyst eyes fixing me as she continues, "However, that also means accepting another facet of cultivation: facing the repercussions of actions. Since you have inadvertently alerted a sizeable portion of the Village to your presence, I fear that the smaller affair you wished for your introduction has now become an impossibility. I will still do my utmost to make it as expedient and painless as possible, but the sudden existence of a 3rd Rank with such power like yourself is going to spread through the masses like a forest fire. I would not be surprised if it became the cause of quite the commotion for cultivators and mortals alike."

I can only slump my shoulders in defeat and acceptance at her words. Even if I didn't mean to, I can see how I just flash banged my presence to who knows how many people. And those untold numbers of gossiping lips will surely get the word around town before the sun goes down. "Y-yeah, that's fair. When is that going to happen, by the way?"

Akiko hums as she leans down and kisses my forehead, one of her tails wrapping around my wrist and fingers as she begins to lead me in the direction of the forge. "Likely within the week, now. Julian, Fei, and X'Cos should all be returned by then, and of everyone I wish for you to personally meet in the Village, those three are at the top of the list. They have been stalwart allies and confidants through my long years here. Friends, to some degree even, which are few and far between."

I give her a worried look, but not one that lacks understanding. "You always make running this place sound... lonely." She turns to face me after my subdued remark, a small smile pulling at her cheek.

"It is. Or rather, it can be. I have been fortunate to have the family and love of the girls, but placing trust in others is as difficult as it is dangerous in our world. To say nothing of my... issues with the concept in general. But I would be a fool not to acknowledge those three's commitment to the Village or capabilities as cultivators. And a fool is something I strive not to be, when I can manage it~." A small laugh coming at the end making both of us grin as I absentmindedly scratch at the furry tail in my palm.

Both of us stilling to quiet as we traipse down the halls and, eventually, to the door of Sam's forge. Akiko turns to me and presses her lips to mine before saying, "She is inside. I wish you both luck and healing. And I am proud of you for facing something that I can feel still causes a tumultuous fear for you, my love."

"T-thanks." I mutter out as she gives a soft smile, cups my cheek, and then turns and saunters her shapely rear and fuzzy tails back up the stairs. Leaving me all alone at the wide, vault like door to the forge. Heart thudding in my chest as my brow begins to sweat, and not from the proximity to the no doubt sweltering room that's waiting for my entry.

"Okay, Aims. You got this." I whisper to myself as I try and steel my nerves. Hand rising like a guillotine blade as it trembles and finally knocks on the surface twice. All the while cloudy, black tendrils stem from my heart, telling me how bad of an idea this is. To leave and just go back to my room and cultivate or practice crafts. Anything to stop me from facing the person on the other side of this door.

And every time, I beat them back into the corner. I need to do this, I continually say as the heart demon tries to poison my mind. It's the right thing to do. And I will move past this. Though each fight between our wills becomes more and more... prolonged and exhausting.

*Clang, Clang!*

The noise rings out under my knuckles, a bit more force than I intended to put behind my greeting due to my distracted mind. As the sound echoes out, I awkwardly pull the betraying appendage back and wait. Even through the solid stonework, my continually improving senses pick up the clink of a metal tool being laid down and the shuffling footsteps of Sam as she crosses her way to the door. Each footstep bringing me closer and closer to facing her again. Properly facing her. To giving both of us closure that, at least for me, is desperately needed.

The creak and groan of the hinges pulls me back to the present, my nervous fidgeting hands twisting themselves as the heat of the room washes over me in a soft rush of wind. I go to move a few rebellious strands back behind my ear as the round and glimmering face of Samantha comes into view and stills my breath. Droplets of sweat from exertion and heat dotting her cheeks, wet trails dashing through black smudge marks as they travel from her brow to her neck. White work shirt underneath a thick, leather apron that sticks to her muscled yet shapely body.

"I am glad you enjoy the sight of me at work, little pup~. But I assume you sought me out for a reason?" Her amused voice shakes me and my wandering eyes out of their investigation. A heat flashing to my face that would put her forge to shame as she coyly smiles down to me and rests her arm on the circular door frame.

"H-hey, Sam." I wave back to her in embarrassment at being caught. To which she chuckles yet again, though does let me continue. "Y-yeah. I was wondering, if you're not super busy or something, if we could talk? Totally fine if not, but I just wanted to-"

"Yes. Come in, Amelia." Her voice cuts me off, but the tone holding an almost... relieved quality to it. A weight seemingly easing off her broad shoulders as she moves aside to let me enter. I take the hint and step in, her shirt sticking to her back in an almost sinful way as she moves over to the still alight forge and begins cooling it to stillness. The heat in the room dropping considerably as she turns back to me and motions to a table with a couple chairs across the way.

I meander over and take a seat, blood rushing in my ears as I realize I haven't even thought about what I'm going to even say now that I'm here. Do I just... apologize again? No, that doesn't seem right. But I don't know how to even bring up what I'm feeling, or ask if she's okay without just blurting it out there. Should... Should I do that regardless? Just go on a classic Amelia 'Aims' Dufort Rant (trademarked) and spill my guts to her? Is that the kind of thing that the situation deserves? Wouldn't that cheapen the impac-

"You know, little pup, you can just speak your mind. You have been silently sitting in that chair for several minutes now doing nothing but staring at your curled fingers and lap." My head nearly hits the ceiling as I squeak in alarm, her once again amused voice startling me to the moon and back. Though, I can't really be upset at her since I was apparently so inside my own head again.

Sam gives a couple breathy laughs as I still glare at her in faux hurt, her hand reaching up on instinct to ruffle my hair before she stops halfway. Both of our eyes wide as I feel the clinch of my heart pull me back from her reach. The immediate, violent lash of fear at her touch making my breath come in hitched, stilted cycles.

"I apologize." She says as the hand lowers to her lap, resting on the thick brown fabric of her pooled apron. "I suppose that is what you wish to discuss between us?" The previous mirth gone, now replaced with a worry and sadness that only brings further frustration to myself. Both from those sorrowful emerald eyes as I pulled away, and the careful tone that followed.

"Y-yeah. I just... I'm so lost in my head about how to even talk to you about it. And its hard enough to keep the dark whispers at bay while I do so." I say in response as I look down at my own hands. Their trembling angering me even further as I press my fingers into a fist and dig them into my palm. "I hate it. I hate feeling this way toward you. In general, really. But I don't know what to say except how sorry I am again. Something that doesn't do shit for either of us."

"Admitting one's mistakes is never a wrong course of action, Amelia." Sam answers, my face rising again to see the loving look that both sets me on fire and further draws the coldness from my chest. "However, you are correct that in this instance, it would do little for your ailing mind nor would it provide me any further comfort. Because, as I stated back in the command room, you did nothing wrong."

Another whip crack of twisted, dark emotions that make me grit my teeth and shut my eyes. My soul avatar springing to life in an explosion of fury as I rip and tear the dreaded tentacles apart until the demon is still once more. Both my avatar and myself saying in unison, "I know that. It took some time, but... I know that now." The demon shrieks and shrivels as the acceptance washes over me. Even if its mutilated, disfigured form still slinks in the shadows. Waiting for any gap or weakness from the conversation about to unfold in full.

I open my eyes again, Sam placing a clean, white cloth on the table between us which I gladly take to wipe away the sweat of exertion from the brief altercation. "But," I begin again with parched lips, "that just brings me back to square one..."

Sam hums as she rests an elbow on the table, then her face in her gloved hand which adds even more soot marks to her shiny, wet skin. An act that I find as adorable as it is alluring. "Now that you have accepted your innocence, what is it that bothers you so about what happened?"

The recently subdued monster in my chest gains a feral gleam in its smile as it lashes out at the question, because the answer... It terrifies me. "I... I don't know..." I mutter back and avoid her gaze, the lie obvious even to me.

"We may have only known each other a short while, but I doubt that you - Amelia Dufort - would not have already determined the solution to that question by now. You are far too intelligent, far too introspective, to let such a painful anomaly stand unaddressed in your mind. I vow that I will not judge you, whatever your answer is, love." She says back with certainty in her voice. Resolve in her tone. My head slowly turning back to take in that same, loving gaze that never seems to falter on her these days.

My heart squeezes with conflict as I stare at her. Ugly whispers coming to my ear as my black tendrils ripple around the soul space. "Yes~." The creature coos, "Tell her what made me, what you can't admit to yourself. Something so abhorrent to your little mind that you're terrified of giving love ever again."

"I-I don't know!" I say back with force, my eyes squinting shut again as my chest heaves in unsteady rhythm. The rising urge to flee sparking within me, to just run away like I did to Sam in the bunker as I try and fail to fight against it.

I similarly fail to notice Sam stand, but her voice sings from right next to me. The aroma of smoke, and citrus, and sweat nearly all but lost in the chaos of my storm cloud mind and heart. "You are not a liar, Amelia, and it does not suit you. What was it that upset you so?"

"Tell her, tell her, tell her, tell her~." The voice in my chest sings to me in a sickly tune that crawls along my skin.

"Stop!!" I scream, hands flying to my ears to silence the voices. Hers and the demons as it sinks its claws into me and finally crumbles my flagging resolve. "T-this was a bad idea, I'm s-sorry, but I can't do this!" I go to stand before a hand lashes around my wrist and stills my escape.

"LET GO!" A feral cry spills out from my lips as I see who is holding me, though not one of anger but one of fear. Primal and pure.

"If you leave now, the beast will only dig in further. You came to me, Amelia. What made you so upset about what happened to us?" Sam calmly replies, her grip unyielding as I struggle in vain.

"TELL HER, TELL HER, TELL HER~." The constant corrupting chant continues, shredding my sanity in its overbearing choir.

I groan pitifully and writhe in her grasp, salty liquid bubbling to my eyes and watering my vision. "No!! L-let me go!!"

"What made you so distraught, Amelia?" Sam gently commands my horrid truth from me one last time. Emotions rising and twisting to a crescendo inside me as the dam finally bursts open.

"THAT I LIKED IT!!" Tears spill from my face as I yell, the inky black monster smiling in victory as I break down and fall back to the chair. "I l-liked what that version of me d-did to you! I liked how you were *sob* broken before me, and how you b-begged. I liked s-seeing you bleed and cry in pain. I liked it when you were so f-full of fear at me, that I could do anything I wanted because I knew you couldn't s-stop m-me. And I liked how r-rough and violent I was at... at the end..."

The wicked smile of the heart demon fills the soul space as my avatar weeps alongside me. Its maleficent voice marauding unimpeded in the lull of my loss of control. "The ravenous wolf masquerading as a sweet little rabbit, bloodied fangs and all~. Even if Samantha may like such aggressive encounters, you'll always be tormented by this unquestionable truth. That you revel in dealing pain, even during soft, intimate moments. In breaking your lovers like your past relationships have done to you. That you're just. Like. Them."

Just as the blackness threatens to expand and further invade my soul space, my own psyche paralyzed at its proclamation, a shining ray of light filters into my ears. "Is that so wrong?"

The beast snarls but stills as light and hope caress my cowering, trembling avatar. A familiar presence speaking words in a tone that is hers yet not, dual voices overlapping from inside and out as both Sandra and Sam's voice reach me in unison. "Is it wrong that you have that side to you, Amelia?"

My avatar opens its eyes, Sandra's gentle face pulling in a soft smile as she presses me into her neck. My real eyes open as Samantha almost perfectly does the same. Again somehow in perfect harmony, their words mirror and resonate inside me. "You are a Berserker, Amelia. It would be stranger for you to be abhorrent to bloodshed and violence than it would be for you to delight in it. And, with consent, there is nothing wrong with being forceful in sex. So long as all parties agree and it is done safely."

"But..." I say out weakly focusing on Sam, my mind too overwhelmed to really make sense of what exactly is happening with the double speak going on, "But you didn't consent. Even if I can accept that it wasn't truly me, I'm no better than those three women on Earth who abused me and took joy from it. From doing something so evil."

Again, the light balloons out as the shadows attempt to encroach. Their tendrils burning away in the combined suns of Sandra and Sam's presence and words. "You are wrong." They reply simply, both of them shaking their heads against mine as they hold me. "Those three were the vile, evil creatures, not you. Ones who sought out weak, troubled persons to enact their wills against and take. Whether they took time, pleasure, pain, or currency, it mattered not. They would manipulate, scheme, and grow dependence so that they could act out their malicious machinations."

A pause as they both lean me back and wipe away my tears that fall without a care. "But you are so against such notions that even displaying a more dominant side terrifies you. The brief thought that you would truly, actually come anywhere close to their actions making a heart demon become entrenched inside of you. That is not the sign of an abuser, Amelia. It is a sign of a young woman who has been hurt before struggling to come to grips with her own truths. About herself, about this world, and about growth and healing."

"But I am like them!!" I cry back under the protective bubble of their love, the admission strengthening the inky black tentacles to no avail as the sunlight dome surrounds me. "You didn't-"

Sam solely cuts me off, Sandra's visage holding my avatar firmly and lovingly in her arms. "I did not give the initial plea to halt because I did not want it to occur, Amelia. I asked you to stop simply because I knew that you wanted our first time together to be special and at your own pace. Something that the enraged version of you was certainly uncaring of as it sought to satisfy its primal urges. No, I actually thoroughly enjoyed what came after. Even if the charm effects were slightly dubious in nature, it only elevated the pleasure and joy I felt from our entanglement."

I blink a couple times in disbelief. I knew she probably wasn't too upset with what happened given her nature and preferences, but I still thought she... I thought my Berserker self just forced her into it between the charm and actually physically dominating her. "W-what? So the only reason you even said 'no' in the first place was because..."

"Because I knew you did not wish for that to be our first time together, yes." Again, her singular voice responds as she smiles to me unashamedly and with a charming sparkle to her emerald eyes, "I was very keen on everything that followed~. Though we should discuss boundaries on when and how to use those charm skills of yours, everything else was quite pleasant from my perspective."

I falter - both physically and mentally - as an indescribably heavy weight suddenly gets lifted from my shoulders. Even if I wasn't in my right mind, the thought that I enjoyed forcing myself onto Sam and the resulting further pleasure from what followed now cast in a different light. The shame, regret, and guilt of it slightly slipping away. The entire concept molding into a confusing gray area hard to pin emotion to. Relief? Concern? A bit of trepidation about the underlying aspects of it, regardless of absolution?

"There's nothing wrong with having multiple sides to yourself, baby girl." Sandra coos softly as she strokes my hair, an action mirrored by Samantha as she picks me up and curls me to her chest. The light expanding and growing inside me until the heart demon screams and retreats to its previous depth, and then even further into darkness.

"You never truly got to healthily express yourself in sex until you landed here. Never really found out everything about yourself. Too stunted by those three whores - who you are nothing alike - to explore much further than surface level enjoyments and fetishes. Passion and intimacy are complicated, multi-faceted things. Things that take years of self-discovery, time, and patience to fully come to understand. And just because you may like being on top and rough once in a while doesn't mean you automatically can't enjoy being on bottom or being soft either. Nor does a kink define who you are. All that matters is informed consent between partners, safety in the act, and the grace to accept things about yourself and those you love."

As the sheltering light blossoms to blinding within and without, they once more mirror themselves and pull me back a touch. Just enough to plant a soft, loving kiss on my lips which I return with messy, tear stained cheeks and a choked sob. After they break away, their dual voice fills me with nearly heart stopping devotion as they lock eyes with me and say, "I love you, Amelia. And it is okay for you to love yourself. All the parts of yourself."

It's then that something clicks inside of me. The fear of hurting those I love cast in a new light, one of their combined intent and words that fill me and my mind. That the fear is natural, needed. And that the whole purpose of consent, communication, and boundaries are the guardrails we erect to mitigate it. The implements that allow us to truly be open and free with our wants and desires between each other, not just formalities to be stated for personal safety. Though a portion of that is still true, the underlying reasoning behind setting those stipulations based in the safety of all involved.

So long as everyone comes to an agreement, and we respect each other, then there is nothing to fear about the how's and why's that we express our love to each other. That me liking a break in the social contract while under the full effects of a Berserker fueled mania - something I will be striving to make sure never happens again - doesn't mean I'm some assaulting lunatic. A wild beast one step away from doing the same to the others I love.

It just means that I discovered a new - albeit still a bit scary - part of myself. And that fear is also natural and healthy, a warning to myself to sit down and think on it further and talk with my cherished people about how it makes me feel. Not to hide it away or be ashamed of it just because it clashes with how I see myself. Or how it reminds me of my past.

All of these signals and signs combine into a more profound realization, one that sees the heart demon screech yet again as the two women holding me smile in understanding: "I'm nothing like Mary, Jennean, or Taylor. And even though its new and scary, it's okay to accept that I find it thrilling and empowering to be in control. To enjoy being rough, so long as the other person is okay with it too."

A horrid, retching scream gurgles out from the soul space after Sandra kisses my cheek and whispers in an affectionate tone, "Well said, my precious baby girl~." I turn to look at the disgusting noise to see her form now a mountain that harkens over the putrid black mass of the heart demon. Its limbs and shadows restrained by countless blinding white chains radiating the awesome power of light and sun and music and vines. Its struggle feeble and meek, its form now - ironically - a shadow of itself from before I walked through the door to the forge.

"I told you, mother fucker." The words curl dangerously off Sandra's lips and suddenly pointed teeth that rival skyscrapers as she sharpens her sweltering black fire vision down to her quarry. Her tone dripping in sunlight venom as the ugly creature writhes and burns in her innumerable restraints. "That I would be here to watch you fuckingdie. Your pathetic existence as short as it was worthless. Your only purpose a steppingstone on my sister's path to growth and peace. I will enjoy watching you be erased from reality by her hands, and revel in your screams for the rest of my life. Despicable fucking worm."

Her gaze softens as it leaves the captured prey and falls back to my avatar, lips that were once pulled back to her ears in a feral, menacing grin now human once again. "It's time, baby girl. This piece of shit has nothing over you anymore." Heavens, that was hot. I pointedly ignore the dazzling flash of pink at her monstrous display and walk forward. The banded rings on my wrists transforming into the only weapon suitable for such an execution.

As the scythe materializes in my hands, the demon shoots one last attempt at survival to my ever-encroaching footsteps. It's face twisting into a distorted, wretched visage of my own, "I'm still here even after all of your little 'self-discoveries'. That means there is still something that you fear, some kind of realization that brings you pain. Therefore, you cannot smite me down now, only wound me further! Only stave me off!"

Sandra looks like she is about to snarl down to the miniscule shadow before I shake my head and close the last remaining distance. The radiant light of the chains not bothering me in the slightest as I stare down to the soon to be erased monstrosity that has caused me so much pain. And now so much growth. "Nope~." I reply back easily as the malice grows in my core, "You're only still here because I want to kill you myself."

The being screeches and writhes in pain as I summon everything that is me. The strengthening techniques, my resolve, and my acceptance. Even the [Berserker Intent], its immediate blood red haze now the backdrop for Sandra's golden white chains. And, as I do so, something I didn't expect also flashes into my mind. Part of truly accepting myself is accepting my own power, regardless of origin. Just like the towering form of Sandra was brave enough to do.

After the slew of buffs land upon my person, the heart demon trembling even more now at its assured destruction, I close my soul avatar's eyes and whisper out: "[Soul Empress' Domination]."

Sandra's eyes go wide with pride, her smile following suit as my avatar turns from its pure white form to distorted void black. A pointed, golden white crown resting on my head as my eyes open with the blast of blazing white bonfires. No ear-splitting gong to be heard, nor impossibly ancient presence. Just me and my soul that explodes in invisible, overwhelming power. The arrested mirror of my face now pale and still with fear as my true and full unleashed aura washes over it.

In a further spark of understanding, the memory of the Empress when she was mortal briefly comes to mind. My smile deepening as I raise the scythe to the air, its metal now gleaming in pure, white soul energy. A singular word brings the blade downward, an arc of pure white banding across the soul space until it cleaves the bound creature in two. Both halves then instantly disintegrating in white motes of light, its ugly stain on my heart and soul silenced forever as its dying scream echoes and fades into the nothingness.

"[Reap]."