Walking Disasters and Me

Active Status Effect gained [Guilt (Absolute)] [Terror (Absolute)] [Shame (Absolute)] [Regret (Absolute)] [Panic (High, Growing)] [Grief (Med, Growing)] [Melancholy (Med, Growing)]. Use Resolute Mind to suppress effects? ERROR: Not enough stamina to reduce all effects. Please choose effect to suppress.

Can't breathe. My mouth opens and closes behind my wet hands as I sit on top of the brutalized but recovering Samantha. The iron scented dampness on my palms filling my head and sending my beating heart into overdrive. Trembling fingers against my cheeks smearing the still warm liquid against my skin. The rushing of blood coursing through my ears, drowning out everything aside from an ever-present high-pitched tone.

Blood... I pull my shaking hands down, vision distorted and wavy. Blurry. Making it take me a second to realize what that shade of red that coats my nails is. Who it belongs to. A second sound pierces the static as the memories of what I did come to full clarity. A hoarse, rough sound that echoes inside of my skull. My throat blisters from the scream that bounces off the curved walls around us, my eyes wide open and moving spastically as I witness the evidence of what I've done.

And not just physically. My soul goes dark as the memory of activating [Charm] on Samantha after reactivating [Otherworldly Beauty] hammers into my psyche. Not only am I a monster. A rapist. I also did the same thing to her mind. Something that shreds me with guilt almost more than anything else. Tears that are a worthless apology for my actions fall like a river, splashing against my forearms, the ground. Samantha's exposed stomach.

I jump back in fear, stumbling to the ground while still facing Samantha after I realize I'm still on top of her. My feet kicking wildly against the stone floor as I try and fail to crawl away, to run from what I did. As she tries to sit up, her mouth opening to say something to me, my hand slips on something wet and I fall backwards. I roll, still desperate to flee, to make sure I don't hurt her any more than I already have as my eyes land on the dark patch of floor that caused my stumble.

Another token of remembrance, my clawed hand deep inside her stomach before she ripped it out. The wet and thick splatter of blood that I now look down on with wild eyes framed by red hair.

While my scream hasn't stopped, only being broken by needed shallow and uneven breaths, it renews in intensity as I fumble and claw my way out of the still closed off section of the room. The bile threatening to rise from my stomach only being held back by the sheer primal want to leave. To seal myself away and never return, for the good of everyone. I make it toward the entrance I made in her green wall, the long and dark tunnel a perfect metaphor for where I find myself before a voice calls from behind.

"A-Amelia, wait!" Samantha pleads weakly from behind me, though I only begin to run harder in response. The fear too heavy to allow me to turn to check on her. The guilt telling me I don't deserve to since I'm the one who did those unspeakable things to her.

The tearing of my throat finally stops; its manic sound being replaced by frantic hyperventilation as I stumble into the room proper. A scene of chaos and destruction surrounds every inch of the space. Desks and chairs shattered to splinters, dangling wires holding ruptured glass frames. Shards of metal and stone strewn about amongst the debris of furniture as a still and hazy film of dust fills the air. A shattered drone amidst the remnants of the aftermath.

Run. I go as quickly as my growingly leaden and wobbling legs can carry me, awkward steps that crunch on my actions only further driving the nails into the mental coffin of regret. All in pursuit of the faint outline of the stone doors at the center of the room. Shuddering breaths and off-kilter sobs mark my passage, tears still coursing out of my wide eyes brimmed with pure terror. At myself. At Samantha's reaction. At her words. At how I broke everyone's trust. At what they will think of me. At what Sandra will think of me when she finds out.

"Oh my *heave* Oh my g-go-god!!" I pitifully cry out between a lurch of my stomach, my spasming hands finally reach the doors as my mind and soul nearly break with the image of Sandra rejecting me. Rightfully abandoning me for what I just did. I-I can't stay here anymore. They're going to kick me out, or worse for this. I'm going to be all alone, and I deserve it. A dark kernel takes root next to my soul as it feeds the whispers further. I'll never be able to be around people. Sandra will neverlove me after this. And it's all my fault.

Dust sticks to my wet cheeks as my vision fully becomes submerged in water, unable to find whatever glyph or symbol is needed to get me the fuck out of here so that I can keep running.

"LET ME OUT!!" I scream, the room shaking as I hit the door with everything I can. Fear mixed with adrenaline mixed with guilt. Logic thrown to the side. The only thing left is escape. The stone, however, is uncaring to my plight. Fit to maintain my internment until the closing judgement can be passed.

"LET. ME. OUT!!!" My voice shouts like a banshee, the silver band on my wrist transforming into a gauntlet as I take in and pour every scrap of Qi into the now partially protected arm. Before I can lash out again, to try to free myself before my sentence is passed, a pair of hands grab me from behind.

"NO!!LET MEGO!" The wailing command leaves from my lips, arms and legs thrashing wildly in my manic state. Fully forgetting who else is in the room with me as panic drives me to near insanity. I struggle as hard as I can against whoever is holding me, someone who is undoubtedly here to take me away or to my deserved death for what I've done. In one last desperate struggle, I try to turn and strike my captor only for the madness to be subsumed once again by the crushing black wave of guilt and fear.

"N-NO!" I cry out in pain as I make out Samantha's form behind watery eyes, my flailing becoming even more active as the want for escape instantly becomes a need. "Don't TOUCHme!! Get away!!" My sobbing voice pleas. Half in fear of her, half in fear of hurting her again.

"Amelia! Stop!" She commands from behind me, though the words are lost in my sea of despair. Whether because I am so frantic, or she is still recovering, I manage to break out of her hold and mindlessly dash as far away as I can in a blind panic. The walls close in around me, the space seeming to shrink in tune with my heaving chest before my legs finally give out from underneath me.

Sliding across the dust and debris, I right myself on hands and knees just in time to see a humanoid shadow slowly approach from behind. Pure instinct takes over as I crawl away, wooden splinters and shards of metal and glass digging into my palms as I furiously try to flee. Not knowing where I'm heading, only the wordless and pitiful sobs racking from my chest guiding me.

My trek does not last for long, as soon I find myself accidentally in one of the corners of the room. My eyes too useless to have seen where I was going. My heart swells in a crescendo, a cocktail of emotions spurring its beating to new heights as I realized I have nowhere left to go. In one final act of preservation, I curl my legs to my chest as it rises and falls in erratic pattern, wrapping my arms around them as I squint my eyes shut. My last refuge against what awaits me.

Slow footfalls make themselves known to my ears. The crunching of the chaos I had just crawled over sounding out underneath their feet as they approach in careful steps before stopping an arm's length away. I pull in on myself as tight as I can, head buried between my legs as my entire body quivers and shakes with terror. Neither of us says anything for a good while, long enough for my breathing to become marginally steadier as the maelstrom of emotions moves from overwhelming to violent.

"Amelia..." The stoic tenor of Samantha calls to me just as I begin to calm down, "I am not going to hurt you." I cringe inward on myself as the night dark ember begins to thrum inside of me, my mental scream shouting out Liar! Why wouldn't she want revenge on me after what I did to her?! It would be completely justified! I'm a monster!

I jump as a hand rest on my shoulder, screaming in fear from between my knees as I pull deeper into the corner, "Don't touch me!! I don't want to hurt you again!! Just leave me alone!!" My voice screeches as it bounces against the walls and off the floor in a minor echo.

"I know. You said as much the last time we fought." She says softly, though her hand doesn't try and touch me again. "Amelia, dear. That was not you. I do not blame you for anything that happened in this room."

More lies!!Why is she acting like this?! Why put me through this... this fake attempt at consolation for something I can nevertake back?! That I don't deserve to be forgiven for?! Is it just to make me feel even worse? A way for her to guarantee that she inflicts pain on me in return for what I did?? I... I guess if that's the reason then I can't fault her... I just wish she'd lock me up or something instead of dragging this out...

"Amelia, please look at me." She pleads gently, my fragile mind whirring between thinking this to be the final nail in the coffin or some other trick or ploy she has up her sleeve.

"Just..." I pathetically reply, "Just leave me here to rot until A-Akiko and the others come back. Then you all can be r-rid of me. One way or the other..."

A pause. "Is that what you want? To leave us?" She answers after a moment in neutral tone, happier memories of Akiko and the girls flooding my mind. The love, the care, the warmth that comes with the beginnings of feeling like family. All of it tarnished now by what I've done.

"N-no." I sob out meekly, "But I ruined it. All of it. I did something so awful to you, something unforgiveable." A choke of air before I whisper out, "I don't deserve to be here now."

Without hesitation, Samantha answers back easily, "That person was not you, Amelia. And that is what I will also tell the Mistress when she returns. You have my word."

Another pause, minutes stretching on before I ask, "Why..." My voice teary after her words sink in, my mind growing less and less confident in her seeming treachery. "Why are you being so kind right now? Why don't you hate me? How can you even stand to look at me after what I did to you?"

"Because I know that you would never do those things in your right mind. That you are not that kind of person." She replies matter-of-factly, though not with a single hint of harshness.

A wet scoff escapes my lips, my arms crushing around my form as I reply, "Obviously I am. I used a skill that fucked with your mind!! I have your blood on my hands! Literally! Look!!" I angrily cry out as the tears splash to the floor, my head finally lifting from its sanctuary as I raise my hands for inspection. It is then that I finally fulfill her ask from earlier, our vision meeting as I take in the softly smiling face full of kindness. Her emerald eyes holding compassion as well as sorrow, but seemingly for me. Her hands neatly folded in her lap as her curly blonde hair dangles to her shoulders.

"I know." She says with a soft smile that catches my breath. "And it is okay. I forgive you for it."

"No..." I plead, my back pressing into the corner of the wall as I try and flee her forgiveness. "You c-can't do that. I d-don't deserve it! I don't WANT it! I want you to h-hate me like I ought to be hated for this!! Stop!!" I beg, her body scooting closer as she shakes her head softly.

"I will never hate you for something outside of your control. For my own weakness at failing to stop you." Again, her hand inches forward towards me. I pathetically try to slap it away, my eyes wide with confused terror and frustration. The blackness near my soul screeches, asking why she is doing this, why won't she hate me like I hate me right now?! The anger being consumed by the weight of sorrow. Instead, she catches my fragile attempt by the wrist, her grip just enough to arrest movement as she inches forward ever more, until she is nearly face to face with my terrified form.

"I will never hate you, Amelia. I love you, and I forgive you. For everything." Gargantuan bubbles of tears well and then drip from my teal eyes, the dark coal in my core withering slightly before becoming silent as I wrap my arms and legs around Samantha as tight as I can. My body heaving with every strangled cry and wail as her forgiveness washes over me.

"I'M SORRY!! I'm sosorry, Sam! *Hic* I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm s-sorry!! *Sob* I'm sor-" I repeatedly scream against her neck as she wraps me in an embrace, wetness splashing on my face from above as I stain her shoulders with my tears. I keep saying it over and over, more times than can be counted. All the while she just rubs my back and my head. So lost in my constant stream of apology, I barely notice that we've arrived back to my room, her laying on the bed with my still attached form as she shushes me softly.

"It is well, my dear. Just let it out. Say it as many times as you need, and my answer shall always be that I forgive you yet again." I weightily cry once more into her skin, my limbs squeezing her enough to make a little forced exhale of breath come out that terrifies me all over again before she leans back and smiles.

"You have grown so strong~. I shall be the one trying to keep pace with you now. Do not worry love, I am more than fine." My whimper wordlessly sounds out before she tucks me softly back against her skin, her usually firm voice taking on a near etherealness as she begins to sing some song. One that begins to ease me to sleep.

Waving winds of westerly make,

Here to bring the sun and the rain,

For we who travel 'round the lake

March along to the weathervane

Warriors home, warriors lost

Families kept, and memories cost

For glory and pride and all in between,

Sing 'Fear not my love, I shall see you again.'

Pill and blade and hide to make

All at hand to weather the pain,

Bonds of kinship that can ne'er be faked,

For we are the Nomads who roam these plains.

For we are the Nomads who roam these plains.

My eyes grow heavy by the beginning of the third verse, my snores following shortly after as my exhausted mind and body succumb to slumber before she finishes the song in her lovely voice.