Chapter 363: Problems for the Future
"So, Evelyn, what do you think of your daughter? Has she helped you? Or, because of the tensions in your relationship, has your daughter just created more stress?" Saluvia asks during our therapy session.
"Eh... it's fine... I like Kali... but Esther's jealousy is... frustrating," I say, staring at the ceiling. My tail rubs against the chain on my ankle as if trying to break it out of stress.
"So Kali isn't a problem?"
"No... I like her a lot. She's like... something special. But while she's a sweetheart, Esther turns everything around her into hell. Everything Esther says makes me think weird things about having a daughter..."
"..." Saluvia jots something down on her clipboard.
"It seems we're back to the same situation as the other sessions. The problem is exclusively Esther. Is there anything you'd like to add?" Saluvia asks, and I know that if I don't add anything, we'll be stuck here, since everything boils down to Esther's jealousy blocking any progress.
"...Esther said my daughter might want me romantically. Is that true? She said that's one of the causes of her jealousy."
"...Hmm... what do you make of that?"
"Disgusting. She's my daughter. I'd never have anything with her."
"I understand your perspective. But what does your daughter think of it?"
"Nothing? She's a baby. Why would she think anything? She doesn't even understand."
"Right. And what do you think your five-year-old daughter would think of it?"
"Nothing."
"And when she's ten? When she's a child entering adolescence and realizes her mother is the only figure she loves in an environment with only three people, while her other mother hates her? Having undoubtedly inherited traits from you, she'll only be able to see you as her safe figure."
"...Sh-She obviously wouldn't feel anything. She's a child!"
"Okay... and when Kali is sixteen? When she learns about her body, about pleasure, about love? When her feelings are all confused?"
"I'll just help her and—"
"Evelyn, be realistic. A baby needs experiences, but you can't mold her mind all the way to the end. When that girl is eighteen, an adult with her own feelings and you as her only anchor, what do you think she's going to feel?"
"That girl, who has undoubtedly inherited traits from Esther and has a high chance of becoming someone jealous — a girl who grew up watching her mother chained to a bed receiving a sick kind of love."
"Do you think your daughter will know how to love like a normal person? Worse, do you think she'll even understand what love is and what's just obsession that's been normalized?" When Saluvia says this, I swallow hard.
"..."
"Silence isn't an answer, Evelyn. Esther isn't jealous of the current Kali. She's jealous of what Kali is going to become. That baby has enormous chances of turning into someone clingy, jealous, and obsessed with you."
"Because the only example of life she has is Esther and you. And all she's going to see is that the mother who loves her lives imprisoned, and the mother who hates her lives free, doing whatever she wants."
"And she'll connect the dots. She's free. And just as you give love to Esther, you give love to Kali. So the logical answer is that Kali will start acting like Esther, seeing your love not as a gift, but as an obligation on your part."
"..."
"Esther knows this. She already understood this before you even thought about it. That girl could only live normally and grow up normally if she had good examples, but both of her mothers are bad examples. So she's going to grow up wrong too, no matter how much you try to protect her."
"It might seem disgusting to you, Evelyn — having your daughter love you romantically might seem terrible. But for a baby raised in this environment, it's a natural consequence."
"It's not a guarantee it'll happen. It'll depend entirely on that girl's personality and what she sees as she grows up. But honestly, the chances of it happening are far too high to ignore."
"..." I understood what Saluvia means. If Kali sees [Esther loves Evelyn. Esther receives affection. Esther receives attention. Esther stays by Evelyn's side.], she'll eventually think [Therefore: "If I love like Esther, I'll receive that too."]
It's childish logic, but it's something that could happen. Not because she wants to be romantic. But because she wants closeness. And that's where the confusion and the problem Saluvia mentioned comes in.
There's no one here to teach Kali what healthy love is, or what kind of love she's supposed to seek from me. All she has as an example is the love I give her, and the love Esther gives me — two bad examples.
Because I'm far too permissive and protective with both Kali and Esther. I will literally be ruining my daughter by giving her love, but not giving her love would make me feel like a horrible mother. Esther already hates her. If I'm cold to her, I'd feel horrible in a way I could never repair.
"I see that Esther saying your daughter would be incestuous toward you worried you more than thinking about her future."
"N-No... I-I... I didn't think about that... I-I just wanted to take good care of her..."
"So, are you going to stop taking good care of her now, knowing what that could do in the future?"
"No... I can't just stop taking good care of her... she's still my daughter."
"So you're accepting the risks, aren't you? Of course, nothing might happen. That's also an option. Your daughter could grow up healthy, hate Esther, and take good care of you without loving you romantically."
"Anything could happen, and everything will depend on how this child sees the world and interprets it. But honestly, in my opinion, as someone who understands psychology, this is a recipe for disaster."
"Children don't learn feelings the way they learn math from a book. They observe and assimilate them. Kali is going to see these different kinds of love and get confused, completely blurring the proper separation."
"As your psychologist, I suggest you distance yourself from Kali and not love her as much as you do now... but knowing you, I know you won't do that. So I hope you understand, Esther's jealousy will remain the same."
"Esther knows Kali has high chances of practically becoming another Esther. And as long as that chance exists, Esther will be jealous. Or she might develop an extreme fear of abandonment since you'll be her only anchor. There are also chances she'll develop an intense pathological jealousy of you, seeing anyone near you as a threat."
"Just as there's also a chance Kali will just become a mentally weak girl, extremely emotionally dependent on you if she has a weak personality. Honestly, her loving you romantically is just one of many possibilities, and I can assure you, it's not the worst of them."
"Since she could learn that hurting you is a way to show love by watching Esther hurt you. In the end, Evelyn, you reward Esther's obsession with love, and Kali will undoubtedly learn that..."
"Esther and I only keep bringing up this incestuous love Kali might develop because it's what Kali will see the most on a daily basis — the chaotic couple's affection between you and Esther... What will you do, knowing this, Evelyn?"
"Considering so many bad possibilities, is it really worth choosing to love that child the way you've been doing?"
"...Esther's jealousy has been giving me headaches... could you adjust my medication or give me something else?" I ask her, trying to escape this uncomfortable topic.
"...You're going to run away? That's a choice... a pretty cowardly one... but sure, run from the problem. But from this moment on, know that it's just a matter of time. You have seventeen more years until we see the results of Kali's upbringing fully unfold. Maybe less."
"Let's end today's session. It's already been quite intense, and we've uncovered the core of your current stress. Try to sleep a little more, get some rest, and try to avoid fights with Esther. That will help you. I'll adjust your headache medication in the meantime." She stands up, leaving me here as she walks away.
"..." I look to the side, at the crib where my baby is. There's something repulsive about imagining my daughter loving me the same way Esther loves me.
In the end, I think having once been human completely shaped me. To demons, this doesn't seem like a big deal. But to me, knowing this about my daughter is extremely uncomfortable in ways I can't even explain.
When I heard Esther's words, I wanted to believe it was just her jealousy talking, and that nothing would ever happen. After all, I would never have romantic feelings for Kali.
But Saluvia obviously didn't let me cling to that illusion. Maybe deep down I already knew, and that's why I asked Esther to stop fighting, to stop displaying her strange love or begging to devour me in front of Kali.
"...Haa... I think I always knew... I just didn't want to accept it..." I know how sick my relationship with Esther is. I just didn't want my daughter to have to be part of it. But either I love my daughter and leave her exposed to this.
Or I'm cold to her and let her grow up in a loveless home. Both options sound horrible, but I'm too weak to choose to let my daughter suffer without love.
I'd rather gamble that in the future she won't end up like Esther. After all, it's just a possibility, right? Nothing guarantees it'll happen.
And since nothing guarantees it, I'll bet on the future. Even if my luck is the worst of all and fate hates me, I still think I can wait for the future so I don't have to choose something I'd regret for the rest of my life.