Chapter 235 235: Emotionally Toxic
"...Could Esther let me out?" I ask, frustrated, as soon as I woke up, Esther hadn't let me leave the room.
"No," she denies without even a second thought.
"Why not?" I don't understand why she won't let me leave the room. I want to see Eve. I reconnected with her, and I know she's in the mansion.
"Evelyn, are you hungry?" She questions, raising an eyebrow and giving me a suspicious look.
"No," I deny, after all, I'm not hungry, and I don't want to eat anything after that annoying Arial kept bothering me.
"Then there's no reason to leave. You're in recovery," her words are so certain it's frustrating.
"But my body is fine!" My body has already completely recovered from all the damage I sustained during my time in prison.
"Your mind isn't. You were tortured for a while, and I'm helping you."
"..." I look at her. She's sort of right; my mind isn't in the best state after being tortured.
'Maybe it's a good time to test a nymph's seduction?' I take a deep breath.
"Esther, please, let me out. You can come with me, and I'll even give you a kiss."
"No."
"!!!"
'Damn it!! What good is being suggestively influential if Esther has a mind of steel!!' Seduction probably doesn't have a strong effect on Esther, since it's an effect that depends on the person being suggestible, or else being exposed for a while.
'Arial used water to amplify the seduction effect. Maybe the effect increases if I use magic in the environment? But if I use magic, Esther would obviously notice...' I've practically made no progress again.
'The competition for the throne must be halfway through... this is bad...' My chances of winning the throne are low, and the competition will soon come to an end. There are several ways a successor can be chosen.
As things stand now, Esther has the highest chance of being chosen, winning the title of Demon Queen. And the day Esther wins that title, I won't have the slightest chance of defeating her or stopping her.
"Esther, this is unpleasant..." She's keeping me "trapped" here because I'm unwell from being imprisoned before. Now, how the hell does keeping me imprisoned help me heal from the pain of having been imprisoned? That doesn't make sense.
It's like taking someone who's afraid of water and can't swim, and throwing them into a river. It won't help them; it'll only make everything worse.
"Whether it's unpleasant to you or not matters little. Now be quiet; I'm busy dealing with all the problems that were dumped on me and on you. Without the Demon King, the kingdom depends on new leadership," she says, looking at some papers, but always glancing at me.
"Esther... who do you think killed the Demon King? And why?" I don't understand. Who would kill the Demon King? Could it have been that one called Crimson? But if so, what does she want with it?
"The Demon King isn't dead."
"H-Huh?"
"The Demon King is alive, and it was the Demon King who faked his own death and pinned the blame on you. Although I can't prove it to most, they've already eliminated all evidence and traces. Besides, I don't know what the Demon King wanted by disappearing, nor do I know where he is at the moment."
"...Ah... I see..." I lie down on the bed, staring at the ceiling. Maybe in the past, I'd be hurt, but now I just feel the same emptiness I feel towards most things.
Why do I have memories of this world, I was born here and lived here for 18 years. The Demon King isn't as nice as I expected. In the game, he was gruff and authoritarian as well as cold, but personally, he was someone fair most of the time who wanted what was best for the people.
But in reality, I don't think he was good to his people because he liked them, but simply because it was his duty as the Demon King.
"...Esther, I'm going to kill you..." I say without any emotion, and this catches Esther's attention as she looks at me.
"Curious. What are you talking about?"
"It's all I can try... I'm going to try to kill you for the throne, because it's the only choice left that's truly mine." I always believed that in this world, I should fulfill my goals.
And my goals were to become queen, stop the genocide that Esther would commit, and not be a failure anymore. I've accomplished one of those, but the two most difficult ones remain. And if I give up now, I'd feel so useless and incompetent.
The only thing keeping me going is the "focus" on a goal. I've already worked so hard to become queen that if I stop now, I'll just become a broken toy with no will to do anything else.
"You were right, Esther. If the time comes and it's necessary, I will try to kill you." I don't think I can kill her. She's too strong to be killed by me, and probably my dragon instinct and my emotional dependency will hold me back. But if I say I'm going to kill her, I can at least protect my mind.
"Pfft hahaha how hilarious. You're going to kill me for the throne? Very funny indeed, Evelyn. Honestly, it's so funny it's pathetic." She mocks me as if I don't even stand a chance.
"It might seem funny to you, but Esther, you won't kill me." That's the only advantage I have. Esther won't fight to kill me. Unlike the Esther from the game who fought with everything, the Esther who is my wife would never fight with everything to kill me.
"..." She puts the papers down on the table and comes over to me, her gaze cold.
"?"
"You're right, I won't kill you. I'll do much worse..." She climbs on top of me, tracing circles on my stomach with her finger.
"I'm going to break your dreams, your motivations, and all this rebelliousness. I don't mind having a broken little doll. Not anymore. Maybe I cared before, but now I want to have you, whether you're whole or not."
"So, Evelyn, I don't think the day will come when we fight to the death for the throne, because on that day, you'll be so broken you won't be able to do anything without me."
"!!!" She has a look in her eyes I've never seen before. It's so disturbing that my tail curls around my leg as if frightened.
"You and I, we both have an emotional dependency on each other. In these last few months, we've bonded too much, tangling ourselves deeply in this emotional hole... but Evelyn, I never said I needed you functioning."
"I just need you here with me. You can feel whatever you want, you can fight as much as you want, you can irritate me and make me hate you, but all of that will still be for me, and for me."
"So, my cute little doll, you can come to kill me. But be quick and careful, because the more time passes, the more trapped you'll be in this hole, too deep to get out."
"...You're such a psychopath, Esther..."
"Yes, I am. And you knew that very well when you entangled yourself with me like this. So, Evelyn, rest assured, I'm going to make you addicted to me before you can even realize you've lost."
"I'll be worse than any drug in the world, and more poisonous than any poison you could ever see... You can leave the room; I see you're fine now." She speaks with that diabolical, chilling smile.
"Hahaha, why are we such sick people?" I ask, laughing, with a "genuine" smile for finding someone as broken as I am, someone who can be as parasitic as I am.
"...I wish I had that answer too. Maybe we were born to find each other and complete each other. Maybe it's because no one in the world can take the other's place. Or maybe it's purely by chance that two identical, yet opposite souls found each other."
"I love you... Hmmm." I hug her and kiss her, whispering my love for this crazy girl who makes such twisted promises, but they're all for me.
"Esther... if I'm going to be broken, let it be by you. Never let anyone else imprison me again, or torture me. The only one who could ever break me was always, and will always be, you. And I'll be very sad if you fail."
"I'll protect you, Evelyn. You can be sure that I'm the only one who can break you, little doll."
"...I'm going to hurt you a lot when you hurt me, Esther. Is that okay?"
"We'll see. Do your best."
"...So, can I hurt you now?"
"Sure." She smiles confidently.
"What if I slept with Eve?" I have to admit this has crossed my mind a few times. Not out of malice or to betray Esther, who is my wife, but because of the pain. Lust and pleasure are a good anesthetic. And whenever Esther hurts me, I can't help but look for a way to stop the pain, like when I drank to try and forget my problems for a while.
"...Are you fucking kidding me, Evelyn?" She gets furious, and clearly hurt.
"...No, I was serious... Would you accuse me of adultery if I did it?" She pauses for a moment. We're married, and normally with her permission, sleeping with someone else wouldn't be a problem. But doing it behind her back would be.
But it just so happens that there's no divorce among demons. So if someone cheats, the betrayed party can start a "trial" where various high-ranking nobles judge both parties to determine if the "betrayal" is the fault of the one who cheated, or the fault of the dominant partner.
"...Bitch..." She bites her lips. She knows she would be the guilty one. It just so happens that this type of situation is humiliating for nobles, because both sides are judged. And taking into account how toxic Esther is, that would definitely be considered.
And honestly, it would be quite plausible for someone who suffers as much as I do to seek carnal pleasure to alleviate the suffering. I thought about it today because Arial tried to seduce me within the spiritual plane, and I pushed her away and said I wouldn't betray my wife.
But then she temptingly said it's not like we have feelings for each other, and among the nobility, it's not uncommon to relieve stress and pain through "adult entertainment," which is true.
"I do not permit you to do this, Evelyn! NEVER." She seems to burn with rage.
"And I don't want to do it, Esther. Never." I don't want to sleep with anyone but her.
"But then, Esther, if I break and seek comfort in someone else, remember that I said this today. Are you really willing to break me?" Obviously I'm bluffing, even though it could happen. I want her to give up on this craziness she mentioned.
"Oh yes, I am. If you're going to act like a slut, I don't care. I can easily keep you on a leash, because in the end, your heart will always be mine." She's right. My heart is already exclusively hers.
And even if my body has been touched by Arial, for example, it really doesn't matter, because my first time was with Esther.
"I know exactly why you warned me. You're insecure, aren't you? Am I hurting you so much that you'd rather seek relief, Evelyn?"
"Y-Yes... but I don't want drugs, or gambling... I don't want to get drunk either." This is ironically common. When toxic relationships form, the inevitable is that one or both sides seek relief.
Sex isn't the only thing. I could seek recreational drugs, gambling, drinking, smoking, or other small vices.
"Alright. So if you want relief, I'll give you that carnal relief you desire. Take your clothes off."
"N-Now?" I look out the window; it's still daytime.
"Yes, right now. Isn't that what you want?"
"..." I bite my lips, because I do. Even though I said all those things today, even though I pretended indifference when I said I'd kill her, my heart is full of pain. I feel like I want to cry, even though I can't cry, because all my courage is fake.
"You know me so well..." I rub my hands over my face, swallowing the sob.
"Do what you want, but please, take my pain away." I let her do whatever she wants, because unfortunately, this is the only way I've learned to numb my pain.
"Great. After this, you can go back to the mansion. I'll still be at the castle for a while, dealing with some matters." She smiles at me, that malicious smile of someone who's winning.
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A Note from Galaxy!
Hello, readers!! I thought it was important to give this warning because this chapter is quite intense and emotionally charged, full of subtext!! First, let's talk about the theme of "Betrayal" brought up by Evelyn.
What I want you to understand is that the story, in this scene and regarding this subject, is not talking literally about partners cheating on partners with other people.
Rather, it's addressing addictions in general that arise in toxic relationships. Evelyn's romance with Esther, as seen by the two of them, romanticizes their own self-destruction, which is bad and should never happen, but unfortunately does happen in many relationships.
And in these relationships, people seek "anesthetics," often in small or large addictions. Sexual acts are just one of the addictions; others, as mentioned in the chapter, are smoking, drinking, gambling, betting, among others.
Secondly, it portrays [Control] and fear of abandonment, as well as traumas trying to heal themselves in the wrong way.
Although it's obviously fiction, the subject portrayed is real and serious, and in real life, it's just as destructive as the relationship between Esther and Evelyn. Perhaps slower and less visually degrading, but just as emotionally exhausting.
I know the last few chapters have been loaded with a lot of emotion, drama, and bad things, and it was clearly intentional, and it shows exactly how bad things can happen non-stop.
Making partners become even more dependent on each other, worsening the relationship even further. Relationships depend on trust and some degree of dependency, but too much dependency becomes bad, and that's what I tried to show.
So when Evelyn talks about "cheating" and Esther curses her out and says she would never allow her to do it, but that she wouldn't care if she tried, it's literally Esther perfectly understanding how much she destroys Evelyn's psyche.
She doesn't say she doesn't care because she truly doesn't care; she says she doesn't care simply because she knows she's leading Evelyn to a slow collapse. Just as she said, she is Breaking Evelyn. Whether unintentionally or intentionally, it's a fact that she hurts our protagonist!
Around chapter 100, I said that Evelyn would have sexual relationships with other characters. In this chapter, I better explain the reason for this dynamic, and why it happens.
It's literally an emotional anesthetic (I'm not saying it's right to do it, because it's not right to do it). Evelyn's heart and love will always be 100% Esther's. That's been said since the beginning of the story. But love doesn't cure pain. Love isn't something that only helps. Love sometimes hurts, it wounds you, and it destroys you.
And it's up to you to decide if that love is really worth your health, your sanity, and your body. Many in toxic relationships can't leave, and the main culprit isn't always obvious.
In the story, both Evelyn and Esther are toxic. It's not just Esther; it's Evelyn herself who accepts, encourages, and validates Esther's toxicity, increasing the problems, which, surprisingly enough, is common.
Emotionally toxic relationships start small and grow based on the partner validating, accepting, and sometimes indirectly encouraging it. That's why I leave this reflection here in this chapter for you readers.
Because fiction is fun, but fiction also shows sides of reality in a way you normally wouldn't see!! I hope you're enjoying it so far and having fun!! Now, have a good read.