Rise

Autumn in Shanghai, The leaves were turning yellow and there was a faint chill in the air. A cool, gentle breeze kicked up across the treetops. It curled through the leaves and danced along the air, growing stronger and stronger, before blowing across a school rooftop as a strong gust. An Xin looked at Lin Feng. She’d been with Lin Feng since they were young. They’d grown up together, through the good and the bad. She knew that he was Maple. She knew of how he found his joy and happiness in life, and how he shared that with those around him. But she also knew his demons, and how he would withdraw into himself to deal with them. How he never asked for help from anyone when things got difficult. She looked at him, worried, and said, “I know about Tian Tian, Lin Feng. I do. And I know about Rake and what happened back then. It’s not your fault.” She waited for a response, only to see him hang his head lower in defeat. “It’s not your fault.” She took one step forward and repeated again, “It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.”

Lin Feng stared at the ground of the roof, though it was hard to see through the tears in his eyes. He blinked, one large droplet falling to the ground. It splashed apart. He sniffed back the tears. “It’s not your fault.” She said it again. He felt a lump in his throat and he bit on his lips. B-but… He sunk through his knees and took a deep, long breath. Then he swallowed and wiped his eyes clean with the sleeve of his jacket. He didn’t look up at An Xin, still staring to the ground, but he did start talking, slowly at first.

“T-that day, Fatty called me. R-right after the... the game. H-he was crying. He was crying, Bunbun. T-then he started apologizing… saying how useless he was… He… he said how he broke his promise to me…” Lin Feng wiped the tears from his eyes again and sniffed his nose empty. He bit his lips, fighting back everything that he’d kept in for so long. “I-i didn’t know what to say. He did amazing. He did so much better than I could’ve ever expected. They were up against SSK. It was lost before it even started… But… but he tried his best. He did so well. And then he called, crying… I didn’t care that he lost. I tried to tell him that I only cared that he did his best!!”

Lin Feng closed his eyes and turned his head away from An Xin. He scratched his forehead, his mouth moving without making a sound. Then he sniffed and continued, “F-fatty kept repeating how he failed everyone. He said it was all his fault. He… He…” Lin Feng tried to get the words over his lips, but they wouldn’t come. He sniffed and took several hasted breaths, then said, “He said that he let me down. H-he said… that he let me down. He didn’t. I tried to tell him that he didn’t let me down, that it wasn’t his fault. That I knew! He can’t do it all on his own, no one can. And I told him that I knew he did his best!”

Lin Feng shook his head and grinned, self-deprecatingly. “After the call with Fatty, I went and rewatched the games. I was just curious to know what might’ve happened if I was up there, playing alongside him. Like back then… I watched the game like six times in a row… I asked myself how I would’ve played the game if I was KG’s Midlaner. How would I have played against Rake? I wouldn’t, Bunbun. That’s the answer. I wouldn’t, because I would’ve never gotten that far into the tournament. KG’s Midlaner is better than I am right now. I wouldn’t have made a difference. No. That’s not quite right. I would’ve made the game even harder for Fatty… Doesn’t that make me useless? It does… I’m useless. Useless…” Lin Feng stared at the ground, anger at his own inability masking the pain, making the tears disappear. “It’s not even that I can’t help Fatty. I can’t even help my friends at school. A stupid high school League tournament and I can’t carry them to a win. A stupid school tournament! I’ve played at Worlds, and look at me now. I’m losing in a high school tournament. I’ve been trying to think of ways to carry the game. But I can’t think of any. However I look at it, I can’t win. I’m not good enough... See? I told you that I’m useless. I can’t do anything right…”

Lin Feng pushed himself to stand up and looked at An Xin. There were streaks of tears on his face, and his nose was runny. He smiled, bitterly, and said, “See? I told you that I’m useless. I’m useless. Absolutely useless…”

An Xin stared at Lin Feng, listening to his words. Her eyes went from concern to anger, but Lin Feng was so consumed in his own misery that he failed to notice. He continued, “Let’s not talk about Worlds anymore, or Rake. It’s pointless. I can’t even win some stupid high school tournament. Why am I even trying to become the best player in the world? I’m useless—OW!” Lin Feng rubbed his cheek, fresh tears in his eyes. “Ow!” he said, again. “What the fuck.” He looked up at An Xin, confused, and asked, “What was that for?”

An Xin glared at Lin Feng and said, “Well, someone has to knock some sense into you! Idiot. Useless? How dare you call yourself useless? You were the best Midlaner in China! You carried your team to the Finals of Worlds. The Finals! That’s not what constitutes useless. You are not useless.”

“You’re right. I was…” Lin Feng mumbled.