Collide Gamer

“Welcome, one and all, to the first and only John and Jane Animal Show!”

Jeff stood at the edge of a podium overlooking a small arena. The stands surrounding it could only hold 200 people. Below, it was grass and dirt. A small number of earth and water mages stood at the side, ready to lend their power to the competition.

“Are you ready to get hyped?!” the brown-haired announcer shouted. The crowd responded in kind. “I CAAAAAAAAAN’T HEAR YOUUUUUU!” A second wave of voices hit the air, roaring that time. “THAT’S RIGHT! And to our viewers at home, all… 11’000 of you, hot damn! Welcome!”

‘That is a pretty high number,’ John thought.

It was the afternoon of the second day of the wedding now and this was one of the few events that he had managed to pre-arrange himself a break for. He was next to Nia, who was his partner in this competition, though both of them were just decoration for the real star of the show.

Velka twirled around herself, then stretched. Her front claws, bird-like, raked the grass. The feathers at the base of her cat tail fanned out. Her wings extended to the sides. Her beak parted as wide as it would go. Then she pulled back together into a loaf, laying in the grass without a single care in the world.

As per usual, John wasn’t sure how much Velka actually knew about what was going on around her. She was perceptive and smart but she was still an animal. Longterm planning skills and abstractions were not her speciality. If she had known cameras beamed her activities to potential providers of shiny stuff all over the globe, she would have presented herself with greater eagerness.

John glanced to the left, then the right. They were in the middle of the five lanes reserved for the competition. Five teams may not have been a lot, but it was sufficient for pastime entertainment like this. It had been difficult to find adequate challengers for Velka.

On lane 1 was Versa de Medici, also known as Pluton, a high-ranking diplomat from the Sons of Rome. He had been the one to hand John the invitation to the Divided Gates meeting. Beyond that, they had never interacted. John had a feeling that he was still being disliked by that family for his opposition to Mario during the tournament for the crown of Rex Germaniae.

With Versa was a three-headed dog with black fur, its shoulders going up to the waist of the tall, black-haired man. A cerberus, that much was immediately clear, a beast of strength and a belly full of hellish fire (luckily distinct from actual Hellfire).

On lane 2 was the aristocrat Celeste, an adult dragon-panther sitting obediently at her heel. A larger cousin of the dragon-cat, the partly-scaled, horned feline observed its surroundings with dark, disciplined eyes.

On lane 4 stood… a pink starfish man with a pinhead with his pet rock. The reference was not lost on John. He wasn’t sure who had arranged this or if this was a genuine display of meme magic being real. It might have been the Memeshifter himself showing up at his wedding. If that was the case, he was keeping it on the down low.

Lastly, on lane 5, was an African man in expensive garb. John did remember his name, but he was ultimately of little importance. He was one of several who had aided him during the Iron Domain and who had been graciously repaid with economic favours for it. He was the owner of some kind of hybrid between a cricket and a hyena. The mammalian part was dominant, but the extra bulk and chitin plates could not be denied as insectoid influences.

“The rules of this competition are simple! There will be 3 challenges for the animals to complete.” Atop his stage, Jeff gestured wildly as he explained. “Following golf logic, on each challenge, whoever finishes first gets 1 point, second gets 2 points and so on. Whoever has the fewest points after the final challenge is the winner!”

Nia knelt down next to Velka. “You will get many scratches.”

“Mreow,” the bird-cat smugly purred.

“You have to make it conditional on her victory.” John crossed his arms. “If you get first place, you will get many scratches. Nothing otherwise.”

Nia and Velka both looked up at him with big eyes. “That’s too mean,” the blonde said, her calm voice quivering ever so subtly.

“Alright, only some scratches when she loses,” the Gamer relented. “More scratches if she gets first place.”

Already, Nia compromised his declaration by rubbing the back of Nia’s ears. “And a shiny new coin.”

“Don’t promise her coins for everything.”

“She likes coins.”

“Yeah, expensive coins! I spend more money on her than I do on Eliana’s baby room!”

Jeff combed his ridiculous hairdo, fixing up the forward pointing ‘tube’ of brown strands with some fresh gel. “Before each challenge, our elementalists here will adjust the 100 metre track to reflect the challenge. On that note… LET’S GET READY TO RUUUUUUUUUUUUUMBLE!”

The mages combined their might to shape the dirt of the paths into a variety of obstacles. Jumping pads, slopes to climb, even a pond on each stretch.

“The first challenge is to run to the other side and then back!” Jeff commented. “No flying allowed!”

“No flying,” John reiterated to Velka, who warbled in annoyance. “I mean it, you fly and no coin!”

“On my mark!” Jeff shouted. “Ready – Set – Go!”

A recorded gunshot echoed through the speakers and the five animals charged forward. The cerberus trampled down the path and up the slopes with its enormous bulk. The dragon-panther moved with feline grace, leaping smoothly from spot to spot. The rock did not move, receiving head pats from the starfish-man. Hopping and sprinting, the cricket hyena moved ahead of everyone.

Everyone but Velka. A monochrome lighting, the black-white magpie-panther moved across the obstacles with seasoned glee. Not only was she a veteran of a few adventures, she was also a free-roaming agent. No one could beat his pet when it came to romping around in nature!

Velka arrived on the opposite side of the field, then did a smug twirl. She only got moving again when the hyena caught up to her. The fellow chimera barked at the sassy attitude of its opponent. Velka warbled back without a care.

“VELKA IS POSING, BUT SHE DOES NOT REALIZE THAT SHE IS ABOUT TO LOSE! ROCKY THE ROCK IS PUSHING AHEAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!”

Ears flopped from the force of Velka’s confused head-whip. The dark red eyes of the Magryph widened in surprise, spotting the stone that leapt and flipped down the exit slope, then turned on a dime after hitting the halfway point. The pet rock moved rapidly to the giggling glee of its aquatic owner.

Panicked, Velka immediately gave chase. The rock moved fast, lifting itself with invisible force. It looked like hovering, but it was more of a dragging along on telekinetic tentacles. John saw them stretch through his magic sight. ‘Some kind of octopus?’ he theorized.

Velka managed to get ahead of the rock again. The lead was far from comfortable. Hopping up the steps and falls of a staircase, Velka took a long leap for the final stretch. What could have been a clear victory was turned narrow by her need to show off.

‘Whoever would she have gotten that from?’ John asked a self-deprecating question. ‘Stupid love for monologues.’

“After that dramatic round, we have the following ranking! Velka the Magryph at 1 point, Rocky the Rock at 2 points, Mombasa the Chyena at 3 points, Chloe the Dragon-Panther at 4 Points and Bruno the Cerberus at 5 Points!”

A gong sounded, signalling a brief intermission. The elementalists worked their magic, shifting earth and draining the ponds. While they worked, Jeff pranced back and forth across the stage, revving the crowd.

“Such speed! Such smugness! We have seen who is quick, but which one of our contestants is quick-witted? Challenge number 2 shall be a puzzle!”

A multitude of assistants brought out flat, electronic tiles. Each was big enough for the animals to stand on. Arranged in rows three tiles wide and thirty tiles deep, the simple lights within activated once everything was connected. Each tile glowed in a singular colour.

“This is the Luminous Labyrinth! Step on the correct tiles to cross from one side to the other! Step on the wrong tile and you go back to the start! On my mark! Ready – Set – Go!”

Velka padded to the starting tile, her head tilted. The many-coloured lights reflected in her dark red eyes. A single bird-like claw was placed on the glowing surface. It held firm. Velka stepped fully on it. In search for further clues, she looked over to the other lanes.

The cerberus was faring poorly. Its bulk was accounted for, but its three heads had three different ideas on where to go. It took one step, then another, then another, randomly advancing until it took a wrong step. The entire path flared red. Versa whistled to get his pet back to the start.

Chloe, the dragon-panther, was more methodical. Hesitant step, one after another, it progressed. The chyena, meanwhile, was simply frustrated, seemingly incapable of comprehending the task at paw. It elected to just dash forwards, then return when it took the wrong step. Brute forcing the issue would work.

Rocky the Rock was once more still to start with.

Finding no clues on the other paths, Velka instead focused on her own way ahead. She stepped out randomly, warbled in annoyance when she tripped the reset declaration, returned to the starting position, and tried again. She advanced again, getting four tiles deep that time. Then, she grasped the pattern with intuitive, predatory clarity.

It was an overlap of two rulesets. Green, blue, then red and never yellow was the primary one. Then, if a column did not have the next appropriate colour, the rule was left, middle, right.

Once again, Velka’s primary foe was Rocky. Once the telekinetic stone had realized the pattern, it moved swiftly after the Magryph. Arrogantly, Velka did stop on the halfway point again, letting the rock catch up before racing it to the finish line.

“Can no one check the attitude of that bird cat!?!” Jeff shouted in fake outrage, while the crowd cheered.

“Many scratches,” Nia reiterated her promise, already administering massages to the Magryph’s neck. “Smart girl. Rich girl.”

“That smugness will bite her one day,” John cautioned. Being the stern one was his job when it came to raising this greedy shiny seeker.

“After challenge 2, Velka is at the top with 2 points, Rocky is behind her with 4 points, Chloe is third at 7 points, tied with Mombasa, while Bruno is dead last at 10!”

‘To be fair to the cerberus, the challenges weren’t exactly favourable to him,’ John thought. He had nothing to do with that. The people in the stands had voted from a selection of 10 different potential challenges on what 3 they wanted to see.

“For the third and final challenge! Weight dragging!” Jeff announced. Electronic tiles were carried away and five weights moved to the starting position. Each was attached to a long rope, perfect for dragging. “Simply move it to one side of the arena, then back to the other! Simple! Ready – set – go!”

Velka was not in her element. Pinching a rope with a beak was already less effective than a jaw, but she wasn’t built for power either. Only her high level kept her competitive in this at all. Claws dug into the dirt with every backwards step.

The dragon-panther, chyena and even the psychic squid that was Rocky were all struggling in their own way. The weight was heavy, the path long. All three of them were neck and neck with Velka.

Bruno the Cerberus, meanwhile, trudged along casually. Rope stretched out across three maws, weight dangling, he walked forwards. His gait had the bounce of a particularly happy dog carrying a very nice stick. By the time he had returned to Versa, the other four hadn’t even reached the halfway point.

“Good boy,” the black-haired Italian man praised.

Velka let out a frustrated warble, her beak slipping on the rough rope for a third time. The weight was caught on a mound of its own dragging. Claws designed for snatching prey grabbed the lump of iron, turning it over, just so she could continue dragging it along. Every backward step was a little victory bought with sheer, stubborn will.

John watched, smiling at the humble pie she was being served but upset with seeing his pet struggle so much. “You can do it!” he shouted, encouragingly.

“Do your best, Velka!” Nia echoed, her raised volume carrying over the field.

Velka responded with angry warbles. The message clear: this was grunt work, beneath such a proud creature. All the same, she turned around, to now drag the weight back to the starting point.

With a final, guttural heave, the dragon-panther crossed the finish line. Scaled sides heaved, but the animal’s steps were still sure. Celeste petted her pet, murmuring quiet praise. A few seconds later, Rocky approached the end, the starfish man applauding enthusiastically. The weight moved smoothly, until the psychic tentacles faded and the stone settled on the ground.

Velka came in second to last, the Chyena barely behind her. Deeply frustrated, she dropped the rope, then tossed it about with claws and beak, glaring at John all the while. An accusatory warble echoed from her throat.

“You win some, you lose some,” John spoke plainly.

The Magryph hissed, then began to meticulously clean her beak, as if trying to wipe away the very taste of manual labour.

Jeff announced the final results: “Velka scores at 6 points total, putting her one point ahead of Rocky and getting her first place! On third, we have Chloe with 9 points, fourth is Bruno with 11 points and last is Mombasa with 12 points!”

“Alright.” John approached the ego-bruised Magryph and scratched between her ears. “Time to get you your shinies and some meat.”

Velka meowed quietly.