Chapter 167: A racing mind and a tired body
Cass spent the whole night tossing and turning. He was exhausted, but his mind wouldn’t rest. It kept spinning, kept turning. Kept thinking.
About the fact that he could never have breasts.
He hated that his mind kept circling that damn thought. The worst part? This wasn’t even his first or second time hating that idea. He’d struggled with those kinds of thoughts for a long time. He had always felt a little inferior to his sister. He found that she was prettier, smarter, kinder than Cass ever could be.
He had considered that maybe he had some gender dysmorphia, but then he’d pushed it away because he didn’t have time to deal with that while also being an orphan, poor, and he needed to appreciate his body for what it was. It was what was able to keep him working, alive, and able to help his sister out.
Plus, it wasn’t like he hated being a man, and he didn’t want to be a woman. He didn’t look at the life that they lived and was envious of all aspects. He was just...he just knew he couldn’t compare to a woman if someone was given a choice.
If a man was given a choice.
Thoughts like that plagued Cass’ mind, even long after Lord Ridgewood entered the tent after his drinking session with Vespertine. He was quiet, respectful, and shortly after he settled down, Cass could hear him fall into a deep sleep. The soft breaths from his mouth told him so.
Cass wished he was able to do the same.
There was another aspect that Cass hadn’t considered either. For some reason, he was cold as hell. His whole body was shaking, trembling the longer he remained in contact with the floor. Or, the ground, to be precise.
It didn’t start right away. It was a slow leeching of all heat that he had in his body until his teeth were chattering and he was worried he was going to wake up Lord Ridgewood. At some point, Cass just had to give up the ruse and get out of the bed. He somehow managed to open the tent flaps, and close them again, before heading towards the dying embers of the fire. He sat as close to it as he could, the dying heat giving him some warmth.
"My Lord?" Cass nearly jumped out of his skin at the sound of Ser Hune’s voice. He turned, spotting that she had been nearby his tent, in the shadows.