Arc 9-03
There is nothing quite like the mix of mind-numbing boredom and burning frustration that comes with listening to other people’s problems all day. A month ago, these people were living in squalor under the threat of death. I would think they’d be happy to have a roof over their heads but, amazingly, my citizens find something new to complain about every day. It’s almost as if they don’t realize that I’m trying to build a city from the ground up.
Talia’s support is saint sent. By lunch, she has to crawl into my lap to keep me calm, but the wonderful woman manages. Her talented fingers and sweet tone keeps me sane as I deal with grown adults whining toward a woman considered walking death about cats scratching their doors at night and birds singing too loud in the morning.
“Tell me it’s over,” I groan to the air, leaning my head against the backrest of the chair.
“Almost,” Leena answers, sounding exhausted herself. Poor girl has to wrangle these idiots before and after I see them. She’s spent twice as much time immersed in their petulant egos and I don’t envy her. “I’ve sent the other petitioners aside from the Rivet brothers home.”
“Rivet, Rivet.” I crack an eye open, glancing at the paper summarizing the petitioners. “Ah. The idiots who are bringing a complaint against one of my guards.” Should I just laugh them out of my face? “Who’s testifying for the guards?”
“The Fish That Swims Backward.”
How…no, best not think about it. “Not a familiar face then.”
“Tired of my company already?” Talia says. She’s back in her chair, enjoying a platter of fruit and a jug of iced water. She’s weathered the tedium far better than me, with only a loose belt to show for the long hours.
“Never. I see you’ve learned to tease.”
“Just for you, Lou. You do like your women mean.”
The laugh bursts out of me. “Send them in, Leena. Let’s get today over with.”
“As you say.”
Soon enough, four bodies join me at the table. Leena stops just short of collapsing into the chair to my left, readying her paper and quill to keep record of the petition. Across from me, the Rivet brothers, hardy men with sour expressions are separated by an empty chair from a Templetee, an average looking man with the distinctive black ring tattoos his people are known for. Unlike the grumpy brothers, my guard grins at me, subtly preening in his uniform. I grace his performance with a quick smile before the frown I’ve been wearing all day comes back with a vengeance.
“For the record, this is the 47th official petition of New Quest. Petitioners are Jon and John…” I have to pause and summon my nonexistent patience. “Rivet, co-owners and co-residents. The defendant is Guard The Fish That Swims Backward. Petition is overseen by Lady Tome-Delarre, governing lady of New Quest and the Delarre territory.”
My hand slaps the table, making the two brothers jump. Fish just raises a brow, thoroughly unimpressed. Fair, coming from a man who likely spent his childhood facing down manabeasts three times his size.
“Normally, this is where I remind you about your rights as a citizen of New Quest, the rules of the petitioning process, and ask you nicely to tell me whatever crap has brought you in front of me. It’s been a long day. A very long day. So, we’re going to do this quick. Right, but quick. Understood?”
I take the brothers’ uncertain glances and Fish’s nonchalance as agreement. “Good. First, you do know how this works, right? Don’t be the first to come in today with no idea what you’re doing.”
“We’re aware of the procedure,” one of the Johns says, trying hard to mask his sneer.
“Good, but I’m still going to reiterate that my ruling is final, for today. You can submit the petition for review but do it out of my face.” Underlined that part several times in the new charter and people still try yelling at me to change my mind. “With that established, the table is yours, gentlemen. Keep it short.”
One of the brothers clears his throat and stands, as if looking down on the table will lend him more authority. “My lady, we are being harassed by an animal called ringaloos. They are quick and clever. Their hands can undo latches. They can open cabinets, for saints’ sake. They are a menace and impossible to keep out. As such, we’ve requested the guard remove them. Yet—”
“Stop.” I hold up a hand as I turn to the accused guard. “You, go.”
“You cannot run without picking up your feet,” he starts, but explains before I can lose my temper at his Temple nonsense. “We have a method of controlling the little thieves. An herb hung in the window that will keep them at bay.”
“One that smells horrible!” one of the Johns shouts. “We can barely stand to be in our own home.”
Fish shrugs. “They chose to ignore us and complain about the circumstances.”
So, idiots. I hate when it hurts being right.
“When you bought your home, were you told about the environment plan for the district?”
“Yes, but—”
“In said plan,” I hiss over him. “Were you told about the creatures that would be relocated to the area?”
“I suppose, but—”
“And when you were told about those creatures, were you not also told about the methods used to control their population?”
“That is hardly fair! They told us we would have to put potted plants in our windowsills, not that they would smell like moldy cheese and feet!”
I turn to Fish. “Tell me honestly. Do they smell that bad?”
“Not when cared for properly.”
“We aren’t gardeners!”
“It requires nothing beyond discipline. The plant’s aroma reflects what it is fed. Its food must be varied or its aroma will become concentrated and unbearably strong.”
“This food, what is it? Blood? Feces? Bunnies and kittens?”
“Cooking remnants, ground up and mixed with water.”
“What, like carrots and onion peels?” I gape as the guard nods. I turn my incredulous expression on the brothers, whose expressions remain stiff. “Seriously?”
“The bottles are incredibly similar, with minimal differences on the label,” a brother tries to defend feebly. “We are busy men with complicated schedules. We can’t be expected to do servants’ work—”
“You can’t be expected to pour water into a pot,” I push past gritted teeth. “Tell me, how hard do you struggle to pour wine down your throat? Or slurp soup? Can’t be that hard.”
“Why must we live under these unbearable conditions for vermin? Why are pests more important than your citizens?” the man rages.
“Well, the pests don’t waste my time so that’s one thing they’ve got over you.” I massage my brow, fighting off the imagined tension there. “Fish? These ringaloos?”
“They eat the real vermin. Harmful bugs and mice.”
“Oh, so they’re probably doing more for the city than you too.”
“They are also cuter,” the guard adds with a smirk.
“I’m convinced. Give the things their house.”
“This isn’t the time for jokes!”
“Oh, so you figured that out? Great. Would have been better if you put that together before making things official but I suppose we’re a city of progress. I’m tempted to spend an hour detailing exactly how annoyed I am with you two, but, like I said, it’s been a long day. In my own words, I’ll keep this short. You’ve got three options. One, stop being lazy fucks and feed your plants the right food.”
“This is an official proceeding,” a John practically growls. “Have some decorum.”
“Two. Move.”
“No! Do you know what we had to—anyway, moving is out of the question!”
“Three. Sleep in the streets.”
“This isn’t a game!”
“No, but it is over.” I push to my feet and hold out a hand to Talia. “Leena, their petition is officially dismissed with prejudice.”
“…what does that mean?” one of the brothers asks.
“Guess you don’t know how this works. It’s my answer to the rampant stupidity and arrogance this kingdom suffers from. If a petition of yours is dismissed with prejudice, you can’t bring another before any official body until you complete a mandatory course regarding our new charter.”
“You can’t do that!”
“…this is why I reiterated that point earlier. My. Words. Are. Final. I can do this and I am doing it. Dismissal with prejudice means the petition shouldn’t have been brought to begin with. Only reasons it would be are arrogance or ignorance. Either deserves correction. Go, get corrected.”
“I knew this was a joke.” The standing John grabs the sitting John by the shoulder and practically hauls him to his feet. “We shouldn’t have expected anything from you.”
“No, you shouldn’t have. Now get out before I do something to really reinforce that reputation of mine.”
The brothers leave in a huff, muttering insults I’m sure they think I can’t hear or they’d never have the guts to say them. Fish is much calmer as he rises to his feet.
“Thank you for your hard work, Guard Fish.”
“For the good of our shared territory.” He waves over his shoulder and jogs out the door, filled with energy that makes me feel heavy and listless.
“Is it over?” I groan.
“Yes, my lady,” Leena replies, head bowed as she scribbles busily.
“Didn’t need an answer but thank you. Don’t worry about writing a full report, this was a joke anyway. Go home and relax.”
“I’ll just be a moment longer.”
I shake my head at her earnest efforts. Ah, but if she weren’t so dedicated, she wouldn’t have caught my attention.
“You do good work, Leena.”
“Thank you.”
Should she be thanking the one who threw her from a life of luxury into this crushing grind? No, but the world has always been unfair. I’ll give the girl a bonus this month. Maybe send her home with some of Geneva’s baking, yeah.