Chapter 255: Side - - Who have I become?
Casper didn’t sleep a wink that night. Or the night after. He spiraled, his brain being his worst own enemy as he drank shakes, paced his apartment, and drank more shakes.
He hadn’t felt okay before this, but having that whole interaction with Gunther had only made things worse.
The longer he remained on his own, without anyone else around, the more he fell down the rabbit hole.
Maybe it was a good idea that he left the Guild? If this was the response he was going to get, if this was how he was going to react, he didn’t want to do this anymore. He NEVER wanted to hurt others, and he couldn’t believe himself that not only had he considered hurting Gunther, but that he’d gone through with it.
He’d already called Pamela sobbing and had her talk him down, but he still didn’t know what to do. He’d never been a violent person. He never even thought himself capable of doing something like this. Sure, he’d been happy when Kellen or Captain Thatcher punished people, but he’d never thought he’d be able to do the same.
But he hadn’t done that to some random person who had caused others harm. He’d done it to Gunther. The man he’d been dreaming of pairing with for damn near 10 years. Forget everyone else, forget Captain Thatcher or even those Guides who’d almost killed innocent civilians with their actions, Casper was a monster. No one good hit their partner, and Gunther wasn’t even that to him.
Gunther didn’t want to be that for him. Shit.
Casper felt his eyes water for the 1700th time and just pushed his glasses up and into his hair. It was too late to stop them at this point. He was basically a leaky faucet. The taps to turn off his tears were broken, and he didn’t have the tools to fix them, and everyone else who did?
They were too busy to be able to help him, and he didn’t want to bother them. Pamela was up to her neck in all of the shit involved with the shooting and the gates, and the declaration that the Guild wasn’t allowing civilians without a pass into the building anymore. Not even into the lobby.